It’s refreshing to see Jack Nicholson dancing with a girl a third his age and not breaking his hip. This gives me hope that when I’m 72 like Jack I won’t be resigned to begging the nurse at the hospital to give me a sponge bath in order to get some action.

Up top is Jack vacationing on the French Riviera and doing the old timey twist while his lady friend limbos. It took him five minutes to straighten himself.

Here’s Jack enjoying a nice swim with a cigarette. As you can see, he’s very talented. I can barely stay afloat without half my lungs filling up with water. Knowing this is Jack, he probably had some chick blowing him underwater too.

Jack Nicholson was recently interviewed by Parade magazine where he talked about a variety of stuff like his childhood, family, death, moving, acting and more specifically, women. Jack says the issues between man and woman aren’t psychological, they’re glandular.

“These issues between men and women are not psychological. Look, remember what a gland is. Most of these are glandular issues. A gland is what allows that mother to lift that truck off a child. Whatever intelligent design is, it’s not going to leave the continuation of the human species up to fashion-crazy, flitting mentalities. It’s in those glands.”

“The infatuation cycle of 18 months hasn’t changed a lot since the monkeys. Look at the numbers. Eighteen months is nine months doubled. A woman’s entire system is set so that when you’re having that procreative act with a woman, you’re dealing with a being whose actual cycle is nine months. It doesn’t have to do with her brain. It has to do with her entire bodily system, which is there to overcome the brain. We don’t legislate this stuff. We don’t out-think it. You cannot change these fundamental things that we are as human beings–but you can adjust to it.”

*Profusely nodding head to hide my blank stare* Uh-huh, totally. Glandular. Right. So, uh, can you say, “Herrrrrre’s Johnny!,” into this tape recorder? It would make a really great sound-byte.

Jack Nicholson has been drinking a lot of water lately. Not because he’s thirsty, but because his saliva glands have stopped functioning. A source tells Page Six that Jack has to continually drink or he won’t be able to swallow anything.

That sucks for Jack. I don’t know what I’d do without my saliva glands. We’re really close and share this kind of “bond” if you will. I’d be so lost. I might even die. Don’t ever leave me saliva glands. Sniffle.

Jack Nicholson is around 70-years-old and he gets hotter ass than I ever will. God, this is depressing. He looks like he’s about to have a coronary. At his funeral, they’ll be talking about how he died while banging some 20-year-old doggy-style while at my funeral they’ll be talking about how I died trying to open a jar of mayo.

Photo: Daily Mail

Jack Nicholson is too horny for his own good. During filming for The Departed which is, surprise, surprise, a remake of the Asian film Infernal Affairs, he convinced Martin Scorsese to put in a scene of him in a threesome and a strap on.

“I thought it would be more frightening if my character had a sexual component . . . so I called Marty up and said, ‘Look, I just thought of what would be an interesting scene of [my character] having wild sex. And in this scene with two girls, one of the girls is wearing a strap-on’ . . . This was my idea and improvisational, and Marty went for it.”

I’ve seen this movie and nowhere is there a sex scene. Kudos to Jack for already defiling a good movie. His reasoning for a threesome was to make his character more frightening… That’s exactly what someone does to instill fear in people. It’ll scare them shitless. I can’t remember how many times guys have pissed their pants when they’ve caught me sandwiched between two strippers.

The only way I would be frightened is if Jack did full nudity and I found out at that instant I couldn’t move my legs because they were asleep. I’d probably start screaming like an 8 year old girl after a boy with cooties kissed me. Cooties are icky.

Jack Nicholson decided to go on a little boat trip the other day. He took Lara Flynn Boyle with him after mistaking her for an oar. Even though he couldn’t get the boat back to shore, he and Lara hit it off. Both of them are reportedly happy and enjoying golden showers with each other. If you don’t know where the golden showers reference comes from, it’s because Jack Nicholson is rumored to take home prostitutes and then give them golden showers. If you don’t know what a golden shower is then may I ask you out on a date?