James Blunt and Gary Dourdan were hanging out at the beach the other day, surrounded by topless chicks who were sucking on each other’s tits. It must be boring to have nothing to do all day but this. I bet they wish they had my life. I surf the web for the first half of the day and bury my head into my hands and cry for the second half. It’s really much more fun than it sounds.

While performing in Asheville, North Carolina last month, James Blunt jumped off stage into the crowd. When women and men began chasing him, he ran away like a pansy and broke his finger. Doctors now need to break then reset his finger or he will never play piano again.

“It was a funny moment being chased, but when I got back on stage it was nerve-racking looking down and realising the finger was pointing the wrong way.”

“Upon reflection, it was dumb to jump into the crowd but in a way it was my own fault. I had leather-soled shoes on and just slipped.”

“I need it fixed. I need all my fingers to work properly. Not just for performing but for partying.”

Note that James Blunt is rumored to have taken the virginity of hundreds of Swiss chalet girls who proudly wear shirts acknowledging that fact. Jerk. I think a funny joke would be for the doctor to break all his fingers and not fix them and then shout, “April Fool’s!” Hehe. Get it? Because it’s not April 1 anymore!

Today might be “kill yourself” day because in addition to Jessica Alba’s pregnancy, there are reports that James Blunt has taken the virginities of hundreds of chalet girls in a Switzerland resort. But, wait. There’s more. Each of his victims conquests proudly wears a shirt that reads “James Blunt took my virginity”.

“He does very well for himself when he comes here,” a resort regular said. “Last season, I saw loads of the chalet girls working out there wearing T-shirts emblazoned with ‘James Blunt took my virginity’.

“I can’t believe he’s had all of them but, going on his previous form, I suppose you can never rule anything out.”

I don’t know how this goofy looking bitch does it. He literally looks like Goofy from Disney. He should be living in sewers not taking the virginity of hundreds of snow bunnies. He has that one song. This story doesn’t even make sense. Unless they forgot to put in the part about him holding their families hostage, in which case, then it makes perfect sense. What would add more credibility to this story are pictures of the girls wearing this t-shirt and pictures of the same girls naked. That way I can extensively study them. In the bathroom.

Here’s Petra Nemcova because she used to date James Blunt and if I see Blunt’s face one more time, I’ll punch a hole through my monitor.

While Nicky and Cameron were popping zits Wednesday night, Paris Hilton had her heart set on a different goal. Namely, seducing the self-absorbed James Blunt which shouldn’t be hard provided you have a vagina. A source says,

“They were all over each other. They both ended up back at Paris’ house.”

James Blunt really didn’t deserve Petra Nemcova. It was like pairing a platypus with a, umm, supermodel. Damnit. That analogy was lame. Whatever though. Paris Hilton and James Blunt go well together. I can’t stand either of them which works out quite well since they’ll probably be standing together when that huge government commissioned meteor falls from the sky and crushes them. No, I’m not crazy. Why would you say that?

Here’s the insipid bimbo trying to tell time. “Little hand on the 3 …. Big hand on the 5 …. 35 o’clock?”

People have confirmed that James Blunt and Petra Nemcova split in February which lends more credence to the Blunt and Lohan rumor. They say the split was very amicable. Sure, if by amicable you mean James Blunt was clinging to Petra’s leg begging her not to leave. I could hear James shouting from where I live, “Please don’t leave me! Who will love me now? I’m the Elephant Man!” Then I heard he put a paper bag over his head and ran out crying, but knocked himself out after he charged into a telephone pole because he forgot to cut out little holes for his beady eyes. James Blunt is ugly.

James Blunt and Lindsay Lohan were spotted leaving a club together which apparently is enough to make them a couple. Blunt has even been rumored to have spent the night at Lohan’s. The sorcerer James Blunt has long been attached to model Petra Nemcova, but it makes more sense for him to be paired with Lohan because they’re both overrated.

On the other hand, Lindsay has been a busy girl as well. On Saturday morning, Lindsay met up with Paris’ ex, Stavros Niarchos, at Les Deux. They left separately, but met up later at a Brazilian eatery.

Hollywood life sounds tough. There’s so much sleeping around to do that there’s almost no time for a job. Luckily, they’re paid $5 million for 10 hours of work.

• Are Blunt and Lohan in ‘Beautiful’ relationship? [MSNBC]
• Lindsay Meets Greek For Brazilian [X17]

The LAPD have opened an investigation into a hit and run by James Blunt and Petra Nemcova. Several witnesses claim James ran over the leg of an autograph seeker with his SUV as he pulled out of a Hollywood party with girlfriend Friday night. LAPD have yet to identify the driver despite paparazzi pictures showing James Blunt in the driver’s seat. Way to go LAPD.

Meanwhile, P. Diddy is being investigated by the LAPD for assaulting a guy at an Oscar party. Around 2 AM at the Roosevelt Hotel, Gerard Rechnitzer was walking to the bathroom when he noticed his fiancee was surrounded by six men including Combs. Mr. Mouth Breather chatted up his girlfriend for five minutes before Gerard asked her to leave with him. Diddy invited the woman to his party and Gerard once again asked his girlfriend to leave with him. At that point, Sean Combs punched Rechnitzer in the jaw.

These guys should have been locked up ages ago. Sean Combs because he’s obnoxious and can’t close his mouth. James Blunt because he’s some sort of warlock who uses magical powers to trick supermodels into sleeping with him. It’s a skill I would learn, but this damn spell book is written in Latin. Oh wait, the book was upside down. And as it turns out, it’s not a spell book, it’s a Playboy magazine. I guess that explains why my pants are around my ankles.

Petra Nemcova is not the hottest model around. Still, she’s not even in the same orbit as James Blunt. New reports are out that the old reports of them breaking up are false. Petra tells People that she and Blunt are “very much in love.”

“We never got separated. There was some stuff going on in the press, but it didn’t come from a right source, obviously.”

James Blunt can score a supermodel and all I can score are these Barbie dolls. They’re pretty hot and stuff though they lack the anatomical correctness of real girls. Or so I’ve heard. All I know is that my penis is bigger than their torso. God I’m huge.

These pictures of James Blunt and Petra Nemcova have inspired me to write some music. I bet when these two walk around together, people think James Blunt is Petra Nemcova’s unfortunate little brother and when they pat him on the head while hitting on Petra, he just stands there enjoying it while tapping his feet on the ground.

Coincidentally, I was listening to You’re Beautiful again and I noticed the beginning is just like the beginning to The Incredible Hulk theme song. If you don’t believe me, then listen for yourself.