Jason Biggs has the best vacation story ever. It started out innocently enough with him and his wife Jenny Mollen traveling through Spain when they decided to take a detour to pay a visit to the nature preserve at the Rock of Gibraltar.

Biggs said they were told to not mess with the monkeys but being that his wife Jenny is so awesome, she decided to do the exact opposite and fiddled with a tampon in her purse making it seem like a bag of chips. That’s when a bunch of apes rushed them down to get to the tampon. One of the female apes was probably on the rag. Typical.

“They have have these crazy apes there… they are called Barbary apes and you take a gondola, like a tram, up to the top of the Rock and you get off and there are signs everywhere that say, ‘Don’t feed the monkeys, don’t touch the monkeys, don’t look at the monkeys, do not make eye contact.’

“My wife, of course, seems to think that the rules do not apply to her… (and) much to her dismay, did not have any snacks, but, what she did have was a tampon. She was like, ‘Well maybe if I keep the tampon in the purse but kind of play with it a little bit so it sounds like a bag of chips…’ So she does this, and next thing you know, I swear these apes are coming out from every direction thinking she’s got a thing of kettle chips.

“They jump on her, they jump on me, they ripped the tampon out of her purse. The one monkey opened the tampon, put the tampon in his mouth like he was smoking a cigar, (and) ran away with it.” StarPulse

Oh, you saw the Taj Mahal on your vacation? Well, we were mugged by a bunch of apes who stole my wife’s tampon. Winner: us. The only way this story could get any better is if the ape did a Groucho Marx impression while he ran away with the tampon in his mouth.

Jason Bigg’s wife, Jenny Mollen, wrote an article for Playboy’s The Smoking Jacket about the time she hired a hooker for Jason. Jenny thought this would be a great birthday present for Jason. If you looked up dream girl in the dictionary, you may see a picture of Jenny Mollen.

Turns out she went through a couple of hookers before fate delivered her the right one. Well, as right as hookers can get. Turns out this one wasn’t into girl-on-girl. Boo. Hiss.

“You didn’t tell them…” I started and then revised my question. “I mean, they didn’t see you come in here did they?” I said.

“No! I am really discreet! Even if they had, people never think I’m a working girl. I usually just get away with saying I’m somebody’s cousin,” she explained. “Somebody’s cousin who sucks dick for a living.” I thought to myself. The chick was wearing five-inch heels and had tits that seriously could have knocked anybody under six feet tall unconscious. There was no way she was passing for anything other than maybe Barbarella. In other words, she was hot. I took my cues from the previous day’s disaster and cut to the chase.

“We want you to go down on him for six hundred bucks,” I proclaimed. Keisha, being the professional that she was, didn’t bat an eye.

“Great,” she said plainly. In that instant I realized, I love this whore. First, she informed us that she wasn’t into girls and that if I wanted any action it would only be coming from my husband. I was fine with this at the time, but in retrospect, what the fuck? For six hundred bucks, I’ll be telling you what you’re into! She walked us through all the potential upsets: Wife gets hurt and wants to stop, husband can’t get erect; wife and husband can’t focus because they are too aware of the other’s emotions etc. I felt like I was in driver’s ed. and I loved it! This is exactly the type of information I wanted to be armed with. My husband, however, didn’t have the same reaction. With sweaty palms, clearly a bi -product of all the newly discovered potential for failure, he undressed and sat on the bed. Keisha instructed me to do the same. 

By the way Jenny describes the whole experience, hiring a hooker to go down on your husband while you sit on his face isn’t as cool as it is in those pornos.

The bronzed buxom beauty climbed up on my husband, fastened a condom over his semi erect penis and went to work. This was awesome for me. I didn’t have to do anything. For a split second I got worried. “Why am I the wife who isn’t freaking out?” “Do I not love him?” “Oh my god! I am a monster!”

Luckily, her long sparkly nails distracted me from my future couple’s therapy sessions and I was back in the game.

At least this whore knew how to put a girl’s mind at ease. First rule of hooker club, compliment the guy’s wife on her bj skills.

“Do you want to go down on him a bit?” Keisha suggested. In my mind I was thinking, “No, dude, that’s why I paid you the six hundred dollars, to do the work for me! I’m going to be over here eating chips.” Of course, there was no way my husband was going to let me get away with that so I obliged.

The most exciting part of the day was Keisha complimenting me on my blowjob skills. I love approval of any kind. Sadly, however, I think it was pretty obvious that my husband and I were both bored. He quickly became flaccid and we were left with nothing to do but stare at each other. 

Second rule of hooker club, don’t let the wife ruin the mood.

“I kind of feel like you are a giant baby and we are putting a diaper on you,” I blurted out.

“Umm, that’s not what I wanted to hear, Jen.” my husband laughed. The Smoking Jacket

Ugh. That’s the worst. If I had a dollar for every time a girl compared going down on me to putting a diaper on an adult baby, I’d be a thirteen-dollar-anaire. Although in their defense, I should stop shouting “goo-goo ga-ga” when they’re down there.

The Hollywood Reporter released salaries of all the actors in the American Pie Reunion movie. They say the studio wanted to meet two requirements. Reunite the entire cast and not go over $55 million. Oh and see how little they could pay Tara Reid. Bwahaha.

Naturally, the two integral characters played by Jason Biggs and Seann William Scott, are getting the biggest piece of the… pie. Damnit, puns. The two also negotiated a small slice (arrrgh) of the first dollar gross. Alsyon Hannigan, who doesn’t really need this as she’s in her 7th season of How I Met Your Mother, is getting a nice chunk of change as well. Tara Reid on the other hand. Let’s just say she won’t have to scrounge for food in dumpsters for the rest of the year. No word on what the pie from the first movie is getting or if it’s even coming back.

According to sources, Universal is paying Jason Biggs and Seann William Scott a robust $5 million each, plus a small slice of first-dollar gross, to reprise their roles.

Alyson Hannigan, star of CBS’ How I Met Your Mother, is getting about $3 million. And veteran Eugene Levy, who starred in four profitable direct-to-DVD Pie films that helped make the property a billion-dollar franchise, is said to have received a payday also in the $3 million range.

The rest of the cast — which includes Chris Klein, Eddie Kaye Thomas, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Natasha Lyonne, Jennifer Coolidge, Mena Suvari and Shannon Elizabeth — is being paid far less, say sources, most in the $500,000 to $750,000 range (though bonuses for some could kick in if the film is a hit, as expected).

Rounding out the list is Tara Reid, who is said to have joined Reunion for close to the $250,000 that Universal initially offered. A studio rep calls the figures “inaccurate” but declines further comment. The Hollywood Reporter

They’re right. That figure for Tara Reid sounds entirely inaccurate. I’m told the studio originally wanted to pay Tara $500,000 but being the master negotiator that she is, she got them down to $200, a cameo on Jersey Shore and three rounds of liposuction.

Remember when American Pie came out and people couldn’t stop talking about Jason Biggs f**king a pie? I bet he wishes he could go back to those days because he’s now resigned himself to making fun of Heidi Montag on Twitter. Which is actually a pretty awesome thing to do when you’re a bored actor.

Biggs went on The View to talk about “collaborating” on a romance novel with Heidi Montag over Twitter. “Collaborating” is in quotes because Jason was actually being sarcastic and making fun of Heidi. But all that plastic seeped into Heidi’s brain and destroyed her sarcasm detector so she didn’t know what was going on. Or did she?

“She wrote something like, ‘Chapter One, Jason Biggs sits on a tiger-skin rug wearing nothing but a yarmulke,’” he said, “which actually is pretty funny.” Biggs then picked up the action, having his faithful steed accidentally kick Montag in the chest and then he comes to her aid.

Spencer Pratt heard about this and warned Jason to stay away from his woman. Since Pratt is about as scary as a miniature-miniature poodle, Biggs told him, “No, I won’t stay away from your woman.” Then nothing happened because Spencer Pratt is a douchebag.

Jason Biggs, who will forever be remembered as the guy who screwed a pie without even buying it dinner first, almost had his face bitten off by a monkey in Gibraltar.

“Jason and Eddie [Kaye Thomas] decided to go on the trip to celebrate the ten-year anniversary of Pie,” a source told US media.

“They were hiking in the woods when this monkey suddenly leapt on Jason from a tree and tried to bite his face off.

“Jason’s travelling companions managed to fend the beast off and Jason thankfully wasn’t seriously hurt, just shaken up.”

Isn’t it depressing that even in real life Jason Biggs is typecast as the bumbling idiot who finds himself in retarded situations that no normal person would ever find themselves in? Wait, did I say depressing? I meant hilarious. He almost got his face bitten off by a monkey! If his life progresses accordingly, next month he’s going to be almost decapitated after a pigeon flies full speed at his head and the month after that he’s going to almost choke to death on a ball of pubes caught in his throat. “Oh, that Jason,” people will say as they watch him almost die from a distance. “Always getting himself into HAIRY situations.”

[Image: Splash News]

In news that will surely stun you, Jason Biggs secretly married his fiancee Jenny Mollen last Wednesday in LA. It was just them. No family, no friends. A source tells Star:

“They thought it would be a lot more relaxing to do it just the two of them with no pressure. It was a very private wedding and that is exactly how they wanted it.”

Right. Okay. “Secret wedding.” I beg to differ. I think it’s more like no one cared. The same way no one cares about my secret rendezvous with that delicious mousse cake every night. *Wipes tear from eye* Why doesn’t anyone care?!