Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem’s son’s name has been shrouded in mystery ever since his birth. But Spanish film director Santiago Segura, a friend of the two, may have given up the goods. While criticizing a group of reporters, Segura referred to the baby as “Leo”.

“I know what you want and you don’t understand why they don’t come running to show off the baby and say, ‘Look, here’s Leo,’ ” Segura reportedly told reporters when discussing the press-shy couple.

When pressed about the name, Segura reportedly replied, “Yeah, Leo. I think so. That’s what I think I heard. But they haven’t said anything.”

There you have it. His name is Leo. My god. Finally. I feel like a weight has been lifted. I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve been kept awake wondering what that kid’s name was. No, but really. Leo? *Holds wrist limply*

In Spanish. On Tuesday morning, Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem welcomed their first child at Cedars-Sinai as reported by Hola!

El primer hijo del matrimonio vino al mundo el pasado sábado en el centro médico Cedars-Sinai de Beverly Hills, lugar elegido por muchas estrellas para dar a luz. La actriz, tal y como era su deseo, ha estado rodeada, por su madre, Encarna y sus hermanos, Mónica y Eduardo Cruz, quienes compartieron los nervios y la alegría del nacimiento.

My Spanish is a little rusty but I think they just called Penelope Cruz a fat cow and double dog dared her to have sex with me. Oh, ‘dems fightin’ words! And also, challenge accepted.

Esquire interviewed Javier Bardem where he talked about being a hypochondriac and his tiny penis. Huh? What?

Bardem climbs down to the diving platform, but he sees another boat that has closed within maybe a half mile and changes his mind. “I don’t want them to see my tiny penis,” he says, seemingly ignorant of the fact that his penis would have to be as big as his head for his fellow boaters to catch sight of it. He drops belowdecks instead.

Don’t worry. I don’t pee out in public either. Not because I’m embarrassed but because it just takes so long to roll it back up and stuff it into my pants again.

Turns out Penelope Cruz’s reps are liars and Life & Style isn’t. A rep on Tuesday told Us that Penelope is actually four and a half months pregnant. Cruz was sporting a baby bump recently on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. So it turns out, their shotgun wedding was because of a baby. I knew it, you whore!

Remember when someone said this about her pregnancy in July: “It’s [Pirates of the Caribbean] not exactly the kind of movie you want to be doing if you’re pregnant.” Well, don’t they look like an idiot now. I bet this anonymous source is about to die from embarrassment.

Reps for Penelope Cruz have denied earlier reports that she’s pregnant.

“It’s not exactly the kind of movie you want to be doing if you’re pregnant,” a source said. The Spanish stunner joins the Johnny Depp Pirates franchise as Angelica, daughter of high seas villain Blackbeard. The flick is set for release in May 2011.

Good news for Javier Bardem because, holy crap, a baby? I’d rather Godzilla come out of her womb than a whiny baby. At least with Godzilla, you don’t have to feed and change him every two hours.

Life & Style says the main reason Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz married is because she’s pregnant and all of Javier’s attempts at pushing Penelope down the stairs have failed.

A movie insider tells Life & Style that the couple wanted to get married before their baby arrives next year.

The Spanish actress is currently filming Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides, the fourth installment of the franchise, in the Bahamas. She’s playing the feisty daughter of Blackbeard played by Ian McShane, the nemesis of Johnny Depp’s character, Jack Sparrow. “There’s a little romance between [Depp's] Captain Jack and the character that Penélope plays,” producer Jerry Bruckheimer said recently.

So Penelope may be almost a month pregnant. Is that too late for Javier to move to another city and change his name? Because you have options here, Javier. You don’t always have to marry the first girl you get pregnant. Or the second or third for that matter.

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz exchanged vows in a small, private ceremony at a friend’s home in the Bahamas early this month. The two started dating in 2007 and have kept it on the down low since then. Hence, there’s nothing interesting to say about these two. I could have written about a piece of chewed gum I found under a desk and it would have been more exciting.

[Fame]

Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem hit up the beach in Brazil to play a little “No, YOU’RE ass is firmer!” before Penelope left for Rome to attend the premiere of Nine. Here they are frolicking in the waves and grabbing each others asses. And here I am staring outside wondering what it would be like to bask in the sunshine without it burning my fragile skin.

Update: Pictures taken down by request. Here’s Victoria Beckham instead.

Did I say humorless? I meant humorful. Is that a word? I don’t think so because it’s being underlined in red. I’ll have to look that up. Anyway, in an effort to generate more publicity for his new movie Vicky Cristina Barcelona, Woody Allen wrote a fake production diary for The New York Times. He touches on various subjects including, but not limited to, Javier Bardem’s need for direction, flirting with Scarlett Johansson and Penelope Cruz and a three-some which almost became a four-some, but turned back into a three-some.

JUNE 15

Work finally under way. Shot a torrid love scene today between Scarlett and Javier. If this were a scant few years ago, I would have played Javier’s part. When I mentioned that to Scarlett, she said, “Uh-huh,” with an enigmatic intonation. Scarlett came late to the set. I lectured her rather sternly, explaining I do not tolerate tardiness from my cast. She listened respectfully, although as I spoke I thought I noticed her turning up her iPod.

AUG. 20

Made love with Scarlett and Penélope simultaneously in an effort to keep them happy. Ménage gave me great idea for the climax of the movie. Rebecca kept pounding on the door, and I finally let her in, but those Spanish beds are too small to handle four, and when she joined, I kept getting bounced to the floor.

Woody Allen is 98 years old and had this diary not been filled with self-deprecating humor, it would have turned creepy really quick like that one time my parents left me alone with some old guy who kept giggling and asking if I wanted a lolli. Dude, I’m nine. I’m over lollis. But if you have a ring pop…

I’m not sure why you’d care, but Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem are planning to marry. The National Enquirer said his mom told him to do it.

“Pilar took her son aside and told him, ‘What’s the matter with you? She’s perfect! You love her, she loves you. Get married.’”

The foundation for a happy marriage always begins with your mom talking you into it. The next step is having your mom in your hotel suite on your wedding night telling you you’re “doing everything wrong” and that you’re “supposed to go like this,” making a hole with one hand and thrusting her index finger from the other hand in and out of it. Your wife will see family means a lot to you and will love you even more. That or she’ll freak out and run away like a cougar was chasing her.

Penelope Cruz hung out with Javier Bardem in France over Easter weekend. She in her bikini, he in his trunks. They made out on the balcony and relaxed in sun chairs lazily reading side by side. Later, they probably ordered room service which they put on their black AMEX card. After a lavish meal of oysters, caviar and chocolate covered strawberries, they most likely finished the night with mind blowing sex after which their naked bodies collapsed on a bed made of crumpled $100 bills and the fur of endangered pandas. Of course, I only tell you this to remind you that your life isn’t nearly as fantastic as theirs. Loser.