Snooki went on The Tonight Show Tuesday to talk about the new fragrance she’s releasing. Many assumed it would smell like pickles and it actually did for a second. “It smelled like pickles and grass and it was just gross,” Snooki told Leno.

So she’s going back to the drawing board but promises the new concoction will be “flirty and bubbly, you know, like my personality and obviously something DTF.” Snooki explained to uninformed Jay Leno and Jeff Bridges that DTF means “down to f**k.” Whoops. My monocle has popped out again.

Per that description, this fragrance will smell terrible. DTF for Snooki means smelling like sweaty armpits and runny spray tan with a strong vodka musk and a hint of desperation.

Lindsay Lohan’s pre-taped interview The Tonight Show aired on Tuesday and it wasn’t surprising the entire thing sounded like Lindsay went over bullet points she and her publicist discussed hours before. The interview is basically what you’d expect for someone sentenced to 120 days in jail.

She’s already putting this behind her even though it’s still not over yet, she says she’s learned from her mistakes and is ready to move on and she wants people to know her for her work and not for her screw-ups.

Lindsay also says she was shocked at her jail sentence even though she was specifically told it would happen. Although she did partially own up to her actions. When asked if she feels she was treated unfairly, Lindsay says she’s been treated the way she should be treated.

Then came her comedy bit. Lindsay told Jay that in six years when she’s 30, she sees herself having already won an Oscar. Hilarious. The only way I see that ever happening is if Oscar is the guy that slammed her night before.

Lady Gaga made an appearance on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno on Monday to talk about her upcoming album, new single Born This Way and accusations that she ripped off Madonna’s Express Yourself. Turns out everyone but Madonna cares about the “homage.” Well, that’s good enough for me. Gaga said,

“There is really no one that is a more adoring and loving Madonna fan than me. I am the hugest fan personally and professionally … Well, the good news is that I got an e-mail from her people, and her sending me their love and complete support on behalf of the single, and if the queen says it shall be, then it shall be.”

Thank jeebus Lady Gaga isn’t completely ripping off Madonna or else we’d be watching her flash her tits and be naked in sex books. I don’t think I need to tell you how absolutely terrifying that’d be. I’d rather chew glass.

Gaga also clarified that the egg she arrived and popped out of during the Grammys wasn’t an egg, but a vessel designed by Huseein Chalayan. A totally gay vessel! Amirite? High five.

Four months after forcing Conan O’Brien off the Tonight Show, Leno’s ratings have dropped below Conan’s. Not only does Leno have fewer viewers, his show also costs more to produce. $10 – $15 million more a year than Conan’s. Bwahahaha.

Leno’s higher salary — $30 million per year, compared to O’Brien’s $15 million — plus the cost of his bigger production staff was pushing the show into the red, according to insiders.

“It’s got the potential to be a huge embarrassment,” said the source.

NBC is about to be taken over in a $28 billion deal with cable giant Comcast.

“You can’t figure they’re happy about this,” the insider said.

Leno has at least two more years to go on his NBC deal.

But, as Leno himself joked at the height of the late-night mess last January, “NBC stands for ‘Never Believe your Contract.’”

Even though Leno beats rival David Letterman most weeks, ABC’s nightly newsmagazine show “Nightline” is now the top-rated show after 11:30pm.

Conan is a hundred times funnier than Leno and cost half as much. NBC in their infinite wisdom decided that something needed to be done about that. So they paid Conan millions of dollars to quit and signed back the less funny Jay Leno and now his ratings are even lower. “Ahh, job well done,” NBC execs said while wiping their asses with $100 bills.

Jay Leno’s one man peanut gallery may leave The Tonight Show after it returns on March 1. No word on who may replace him, but how hard could it be to find a black guy who plays guitar, laughs and agrees with everything the white man says? [Fox 411]

Jay Leno told Oprah that Jimmy Kimmel “sucker-punched” him by going on Jay’s 10@10 and sounding off on the late night controversy. Last night on Jimmy Kimmel, Kimmel said Leno going on Oprah was more of a sucker-punch then what he did on Jay’s show. Kimmel explained that Leno’s people wanted him to talk about pointless things like his junk food weakness instead of discussing what people wanted to hear about which was the Leno-Conan situation.

“I figured I’d start in, he’d get into it and we’d mix it up,” Kimmel said. “You know, at one time [Leno] was a comedian. But he didn’t do that. He stood there and he just kind of read through the questions like a robot.”

For his part, Leno told Winfrey that he was taken aback by Kimmel’s remarks but ultimately decided not to edit them out of his show. “I said, ‘No. Put it out there. I walked into it,’ ” Leno told her, explaining that when you get hit, “You get right up again. You don’t whine and complain.”

But at the end of his monologue Thursday night, Kimmel had the last laugh – for now. “Watch out Oprah,” he said, “don’t think he won’t take your show next.”

It’s going to be interesting to see how Jay’s ratings are when he returns. NBC jerked Conan around firing him only 7 months after he took over the show and Jay was more than happy to stab Conan in the back. He’s like the village idiot. If in another 7 months The Tonight Show tanks, NBC will probably replace Jay with a bear balancing on a ball and all Jay will do is stand there with a stupid grin while NBC bends him over and rapes him.

Jay Leno sat down with Oprah Winfrey and Oprah was disappointed. Oprah basically said America hates Jay and thinks he’s a selfish asshole who screwed Conan O’Brien out of the Tonight Show gig. Jay’s response was that it all comes down to numbers and that neither Conan nor Jay had them. What Jay glossed over was the fact that he was giving Conan a crappy lead-in unlike the much better news lead-in he had. One could even argue Jay sabotaged Conan. Maybe he planned it all along. Jay seemed bitter at being forced into retirement. He also said he “thought” Conan was going to take the deal to move back half an hour later without even confirming with Conan.

Anyway, Jay comes off as a sneaky rat in the interview. The only way this could get worse is if when Oprah turned her back to get a glass of water, Jay pushed her over in her chair and took over the show. Part 2 & 3 under the cut.

Made popular with the whole Tiger Woods thing, the “explaining things with Chinese and CGI” is back. This time they take on the late night battle between Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno. The video is pretty good and makes a lot of sense. It accurately portrays Jeff Zucker as an idiot who doesn’t know his head from his ass and explains the situation pretty well despite being in a foreign language. Although, it gets sort of ridiculous when it devolves into a superhero battle royale at the end. Only because Conan is more like Noid from Domino’s Pizza instead of The Hulk.

Jimmy Kimmel was a video guest on Jay Leno’s 10 at 10 segment last night where he turned every answer into a Leno insult. To his credit, Leno managed to get through the probably planned segment without cutting him off. A few choice highlights.

Jay: “You’re known for pranks … what’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled?”
Jimmy: “I think the best prank I ever pulled was… … I told a guy that five years from now, I’m going to give you my show. And then when the five years came, I gave it to him and then I took it back almost instantly. It was hilarious.”

Jay: “Is there anything you haven’t hosted that you want to host?”
Jimmy: “Oh, this is a trick right? Where you get me to host the ‘Tonight Show’ and then take it back? You’ve got $800 million. For God’s sake, leave our shows alone.”

I wonder if now that everyone thinks he’s a jerk, Jay still finds comfort in his millions of dollars. I know I would. Looking at my stacks of bills shaped into a life-size Megan Fox, all my troubles would melt away. Mmmm, I love you, blood money.

NBC insiders have told The Hollywood Reporter that despite NBC denying rumors of Jay Leno striking a deal to return to his previous time slot, everyone fully expects Leno to host an hour long show at 11:35 PM called The Tonight Show now that Conan has refused to be banished to 12:05 AM.

Meanwhile, reps for Conan have denied the reports that his last day will be next week on January 22. Reps say “he has a scheduled hiatus the week of January 25.”

At the same time, everyone is scratching their heads wondering what the hell is going on? Each statement brings more unanswered questions. Like, is Conan leaving or not? Is Leno really that much of an ass? How will my DVR handle this? Do you think it will blow-up? And why am I so handsome? Genetics?

Conan is 100 times funnier than Jay Leno. Everyone knows it, except for NBC. That’s because they’re a network run by monkeys making decisions by slinging poo at a wall and attempting to decipher it like some primitive Rorschach test. Consequently, the latest news is that Conan will be done by next week.

Late-night funnyman Conan O’Brien’s last night as host of “The Tonight Show” will likely be next Friday, allowing Jay Leno to reclaim his old time slot.

“Conan does not currently plan on doing any more new shows after next week,” a source told People magazine’s Web site this afternoon.

TMZ.com reported today that Leno struck a deal with NBC to reclaim the 11:35 p.m. to 12:35 a.m. “Tonight Show” slot.

You know those reports that said if Conan left, Jay Leno would also leave NBC in show of solidarity? That was obviously bullshit. Leno just doesn’t want to be remembered as the guy who retired from NBC after two years of record low ratings. He wants to go out on top and if that means screwing Conan over in the process, then so be it. He’ll stab Conan in the back himself and then frame the knife.

Popeater says after Conan O’Brien announced that he’s leaving NBC, Jay Leno is also contemplating leaving the network. Sources say Jay is “furious” over the way NBC is treating him and Conan and hates how NBC is making it look like he’s the one who pushed Conan into the unemployment line. Not only that, there’s no trust anymore. Jay’s wondering what will happen if he can’t get his audience back within 7 months. NBC will probably kick him in the nuts and send him packing. Popeater says that there’s a good chance Jerry Seinfeld will be the new Tonight Show host if all this happens.

It makes you think. Was Seinfeld masterminding this whole thing all along, egging on NBC, Jay and Conan? He’s like the little devil that sits on your shoulder whispering into your ear, but in an annoying, unfunny sort of way.

NBC confirms that Jay Leno is now officially moving back to his 11:35 PM time slot. NBC Universal TV Entertainment chairman Jeff Gaspin said, “I can confirm that starting Feb. 12, ‘The Jay Leno Show’ will no longer air at 10 PM.” Gaspin insists the show was performing at “acceptable levels” and they were making money off it, but added, “While it was performing at acceptable levels, it did not meet our affiliates’ needs. My goal right now is to keep Jay [Leno], Conan [O'Brien] and Jimmy [Fallon] as part of our late-night lineup. As much as I’d like to tell you we have a done deal, we know that’s not true.”

No word on if Conan is going to agree to this or walk. TMZ says he has three options:

1) Quit the show and be paid the value of his contract for the next four years. Conan might bank $80 million with this option.

2) Jump to FOX or ABC. If he does so, NBC won’t have to pay him his entire contract, but will have to pay his old contract less his new contract.

3) Take the 12:05 – 1:05 time slot. With this, NBC would negotiate a new contract with the same salary he was getting before. This would be cheaper than paying him off. Obviously, NBC prefers this because Conan wouldn’t be drawing viewers away from Jay Leno.

Although, I think option 4, my option, would be best. Option 4 is just a combination of option 1 and taking a crap on Jeff Gaspin and everyone else’s desks and giving them the finger while they look on in shock. I don’t handle stress very well.