Jay-Z looked suspicious while leaving Zuma restaurant in London yesterday. Possibly because Kanye West and Kim Kardashian joined him. He probably got a weird vibe when Kim joked, “Haha, wouldn’t it be funny if you and Beyonce showed up in my reality show? Haha. Hilarious. So, uh, what do you think about that?”

Beyonce and Jay-Z hit up St. Barths on Monday to take a break from that god damn screaming kid. As it’s only been four months since she popped that little girl out, there’s no way Beyonce is slipping into a two-piece or even turning around to show her stomach for that matter.

In fact, all of these photos are either of Beyonce’s top half or back. Odd considering the photog must have been there the whole day and there’s no way he missed Beyonce walking out of the water and onto the beach unless she’s Flash Gordon. It’s as if they somehow convinced the agency to not post the photos. *Rubs fingers together*

Update: Or check here for the full frontal shots.

If you’re wondering why we haven’t seen any pictures of Blue Ivy Carter since Jay-Z and Beyonce posted a few on their blog, maybe this new story will give an explanation.

“Beyonce says Blue changes every day and looks just like Jay now,” Toronto native Fiona, 28, recently told Us Weekly.

Blue Ivy is transforming into Jay-Z. Oh… now it all makes sense.

At a performance for BBC Radio 1 in London, Katy Perry put on an NY cap and did an instrumental cover of Jay-Z/Kanye West’s N**gas in Paris. Perry sang “ninja” because she doesn’t have enough street cred to pull off “n**gas.”

She should have sang it anyway. It’s always funny when a white person shouts the n-word and see everyone in the audience try to find the nearest black person to see whether or not they should be offended.

Over the weekend, Jay-Z and Beyonce skipped the Grammys for a pizza date in Brooklyn where a fellow diner congratulated him on his baby.

Instead, Beyonce, 30, and Jay-Z (real name: Shawn Carter), 42, took a Maybach from their home in downtown Manhattan’s Tribeca neighborhood to the cute Carroll Gardens section of Brooklyn — where they tucked into pizza at their favorite posh pizzeria Lucali.

Leaving one-month-old daughter Blue Ivy at home, the music super couple “were just like a regular couple talking and whatnot,” a witness tells Us Weekly, adding that other patrons failed to notice them. “They were sitting in front of the place closer to where they make the pizza.” Us Weekly

Meanwhile, Beyonce’s stylist, June Ambrose explained why the two chose to release their baby photos on Tumblr instead of a weekly.

“B really really thought about this,” Ambrose told Us Saturday, “and she really wanted to do it this way. She just couldn’t imagine selling pictures of her baby.”

And the pictures are “accurate,” Ambrose added. “A girl with big full lips, she’ll be a supermodel, I can’t wait! And her eyes — she’s gorgeous!”

If the litmus test for whether or not babies will become a supermodel is big, full lips, then why do parents complain when I punch their annoying, screaming  babies in the mouths.

Most celebrities start negotiating deals with magazines for exclusive shots of their baby when their kid is still a zygote. They want to squeeze as much money out of that stupid kid before they become a pain in the ass. However, at least two celebrities still have their dignity. Jay-Z and Beyonce. Sure, they’re trademarking Blue Ivy Carter’s name, but they opted to post her baby pictures on a Tumblr blog instead of a 10 page spread in PEOPLE magazine.

Kris Jenner and Dina Lohan almost died of a heart attack when they heard about this.

Vice had a theory. A theory that Jay-Z, having already cornered the male rap market, had set out to dominate the female one as well. The tool he’s using to do this with? Nicki Minaj.

To prove this theory, Vice slowed down Nicki’s Super Bass and proved without a shadow of a doubt, that Nicki Minaj is actually a sped up Jay-Z. Need to see for yourself? Watch below.

Jay-Z is a man of many talents. Clubs, alcohol, clothing and male and female rap markets all cornered. No wonder Beyonce told him to put a baby in her. Even I’d tell Jay-Z to put a baby in me now and I don’t even have a uterus.

Jay-Z’s daughter Blue Ivy was born just a week ago and she’s already turned Jay-Z into a big softy. In a new poem dedicated to his daughter, Jay-Z vows never to use the word “bitch” again.

“Before I got in the game, made a change, and got rich/I didn’t think hard about using the word bitch/I rapped, I flipped it, I sold it, I lived it/Now with my daughter in this world I curse those that give it/No man will degrade her, or call her name/I’m so focused on your future, the degradation has passed/I wish you wealth, health and insight/Forever young you may pass/Blue Ivy Carter, my angel.” NME

Bitch, please. Will Smith laughs at this promise. He’s been doing this for years. In fact, I don’t think that guy has sworn since 1998. Where’s his NME post?

Blue Ivy Carter isn’t even two weeks old yet and Beyonce and Jay-Z are already spoiling her rotten. They’ve already spent over $1.5 million in toys and equipment for the kid. What have they bought to ensure every other kid in the world will hate her with a passion?

- A $15,000 Swarovski-studded high chair by Carla Monchen
- A Fantasy ‘posh tots’ coach carriage crib for $22,000
- A $600,000 solid gold handmade Ginza Tanaka rocking horse
- A $30,000 magical windmill playhouse and mini-Bugatti
- $350,000 ensuring the nurseries in their three homes are identical
- A wardrobe of one-off designer clothes that the kid will outgrow in a year

This kid is going to be such an entitled princess but loved by all. At school, she’ll be all like, “Hey, guys. Let’s take a ride in my mini-Bugatti to my solid gold rocking horse located in my magical windmill house.” Meanwhile, little Timmy listening within earshot, rocking on his homemade rocking horse, will be all like, “Aww, f**k you!”

In honor of Blue Ivy’s birth, Jay-Z dropped a new single titled “Glory” where he reveals that before there was Blue Ivy, there was a miscarriage. Jay-Z rapped, “Last time the miscarriage was so tragic/We was afraid you’d disappear/But nah baby you magic.”

The track, produced by Pharrell, also features Blue Ivy crying at the end. Most likely after seeing Jay-Z for the first time.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2011 took place on Wednesday in New York. Nicki Minaj, Kanye West and Jay-Z performed while models such as Adriana Lima, Miranda Kerr and Alessandra Ambrosio walked the runway modeling outfits you’ll never see a normal person wear. We in the business call that “fashion.” All the models looked pretty hot. As they should considering all the dieting they do leading up to this day. But, jesus, what’s with blurry pictures. Doesn’t anyone know how to focus a camera? You click the shutter button halfway and then press it down after it focuses. It’s not hard, people. It’s not like trying to find the clitoris. I mean, can someone draw me a map or something?

Congratulations, Jay-Z, you’re going to be a father. Un-congratulations, Beyonce, I forgot to add “again” to that sentence.

According to Star, Jay-Z had a secret son with Trinidadian model Shanelle Scott nine years ago. Shanelle’s ex-boyfriend, Malik Sayeed, thought the kid was his at first. That is until after she popped out a baby camel. That’s when DNA tests supposedly proved the kid is Jay-Z’s.

“Malik threw [Shenelle] a baby shower and bought all this stuff to prepare for the arrival,” the source said. “However, after the baby was born, friends and family told him he needed to get a DNA test.

“Everyone knew she was sleeping around and sleeping with Jay,” the source said. “There was a good chance it was his.” — Radar

Jay-Z reportedly paid Shanelle $1 million to keep her mouth shut. Shanelle used the money to buy a house in Trinidad and now lives off of Jay-Z’s child support checks. How does Beyonce feel about this?

A source told Star that while Beyonce was initially livid about the secret son, she’s stood by her husband. The boy closely resembles the 99 Problems singer, who’s reportedly paying Shenelle child support.

Beyonce was probably angrier about having to share publicity with this kid than the fact Jay-Z had a bastard son. Beyonce’s fetus probably felt the same way and snapped its fingers in its amniotic fluid and gurgled “oh, no you di’nt,” when it heard the news.

According to MediaTakeOut, Beyonce enhanced her baby bump by wearing a prosthetic belly at the MTV Video Music Awards. An insider tells MTO that while Beyonce is pregnant, she’s not in her second trimester and is little more than 8 weeks pregnant. “She wanted the announcement to be dramatic, so she made sure she had a bump.”

The picture of Beyonce on MTO shows her in Venice with Jay-Z for her 30th birthday over the weekend. The bump in that picture does seem a little less striking.

I already mentioned after the VMAs how Beyonce definitely wanted to drive home the fact she was pregnant. The over-the-top way she announced the happy news made me want to give her a virtual kick in the belly. Not to cause a virtual abortion or anything, but just to virtually give the baby a “WTF was that?!” moment.

To add a different perspective, here’s a pregnant Beyonce in a bikini.