A good way to get your ass kicked in school is to dance like how Jayden James and Sean Preston did to Toxic during a music break during Britney’s tour. This may be surprising, but if you’re a dude, writhing around like your mother isn’t something other guys find “cool”.

Waiting with baited breath for updates on the Jayden James hopsitalization situation? Well, wait no longer. PEOPLE says Jayden is fine and only suffered an allergic reaction. “He had hives, was itchy and irritable.” No word on what caused it or why Jayden whispered “rosebud” while laying motionless on the hospital bed. “Do you think he wants another frappucino?,” wondered Britney.

Jayden James must have got into mommy’s special medicine cabinet because he went into a “vague and unresponsive state” and was rushed to the hospital. Doctors couldn’t tell what was wrong and held him overnight for observation. K-Fed is reportedly flying from Los Angeles to Louisiana to be with JJ. The Daily Mail details:

Sources say chaos erupted when Jayden suffered a suspected seizure out of the blue, at about 3pm yesterday.

‘One minute Britney and her sons were relaxing and enjoying their first visit to Kentwood in months, and the next minute Jayden had fallen ill,’ said a source.

‘He was vague and unresponsive so Britney dialled an ambulance. But she was told it would take half an hour to arrive, and she was best trying to get Jayden to the hospital herself.’

‘Jayden James had to be kept in hospital overnight for observations,’ said the source. ‘We don’t yet know what’s wrong with him.

‘Britney was insistent that wouldn’t leave him. She asked for a bed to be made up in the same room so she could be there at his side.’

A vague and unresponsive state? I’m pretty sure that was Jayden’s last ditch effort to flee his corporal prison. Previous attempts at a physical escape were foiled by his nanny who caught him trying to jimmy open the lock to his room. Interestingly enough, Jayden also pinned a “Do Not Resuscitate” note to his body but since he doesn’t know how to write, it turned out to be a picture of a blue jay instead.

Britney Spears finally attended her deposition yesterday, but decided to go bat shit insane later in the night. Police were called to Britney’s house at around 8 p.m. to resolve a custody dispute between the pop star and her ex-husband, Kevin Federline, after the train-wreck refused to hand over Jayden James to K-Fed’s bodyguards (Sean Preston was taken earlier in the day). While mediating the dispute, the cops discovered Britney Spears was “under the influence of an unknown substance.” Ambulances, fire trucks, multiple police cruisers and even a police chopper soon made their way to Britney’s house. She was then strapped to a gurney and taken to Cedars-Sinai where she flipped off the paparazzi as she was wheeled out of the ambulance. She is now on “medical hold” which is just a fancy way of saying she’s undergoing a mental evaluation. The LAPD told OK! Magazine,

“We are concerned about her mental state and believe she may be under the influence,” an LAPD officer reveals to OK!.

While witnesses describe Britney as definitely being on drugs,

“She was sobbing as she was taken out of her house on a gurney.” When she arrived at the hospital, she had managed to force herself to sit straight upright, despite being strapped into the gurney. “Her eyes were like pinholes,” another witness recalls to OK!.

*cough* Attention whore *cough* So, not only is she sleeping with married paparazzo, Adnan Ghalib, she’s also holding her babies hostage. Fantastic. Although, if you think about it, Britney holding her kids hostage is no big deal since rescuing them is easy. According to that episode of MythBusters I saw, all you have to do is distract Britney by dangling a pork chop covered in whipped cream and chocolate syrup in front of her while someone goes to grab the children. Then when the kids are safe, hit her with a shovel. That last part wasn’t in the episode. Could you tell?

Here’s the first picture of Jayden James Spears scanned from OK! Magazine. He’s dressed in pink because that’s the color most commonly chosen for male babies on the go. And that vacant stare you see is Jayden no longer crying for help. He’s accepted the fact that there’s no way out of the whorish clutches of sometimes mother, always hungover Britney Spears.