Contrary to earlier reports, Jean-Claude Van Damme says he didn’t suffer a heart attack. He wrote on his Facebook, “Hours ago, I read a rumor online about me suffering heart attack!! Please, do not believe all what you read from rumors on any unofficial JCVD sites. Jean-Claude Van Damme is 100% healthy, training well for taking the fight and sending his fans & friends much love.”

To reiterate, no one attacks Jean-Claude Van Damme. Especially not a puny heart. Hi-ya!

Update: Maybe not?

The always inappropriate and handsy Jean-Claude Van Damme suffered a minor heart attack in New Orleans on Tuesday. Van Damme was on set filming Weapon when he collapsed, only one day after turning 50. Jean-Claude’s reps say he’s okay but filming has been put on hold.

Three things I have learned from Van Damme movies. One: Van Damme will seek revenge on his heart for giving out on him. Two: there will be a stylized montage of him training and flexing his muscles. Three: at some point, they will have a prolonged sex scene as indicated in Van Damme’s contract. His cowardly heart better watch its back.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHJ0v4RPfEs&feature=player_embedded

White Power Ranger Jason David Frank, who made a “successful” MMA debut last month (video below), has challenged Jean-Claude Van Damme to an MMA fight.

Recognizing he needs a valid storyline for people to care, Frank says he’s still pissed about how Van Damme snubbed him at a Power Rangers movie premiere in 1995.

It was a damn Power Rangers movie premiere. Kermit the Frog would have snubbed Jason David Frank. Even I would have ignored the dude and I liked Power Rangers back then. If anybody asked me what I was doing there, I’d tell them I was taking my little brother… who’s in the bathroom and he’ll be done soon and what’s with all the questions, man! Is this an inquisition? God, this is so embarrassing.

Also, “successful” is in quotes because, although Jason won, it was unimpressive. White Power Ranger got rocked early on but managed to secure an omaplata after a sloppy takedown. [TMZ]

Last week, Jean-Claude Van Damme did an interview with Newsweek’s Sarah Ball about his very meta indy film JCVD. The conversation started out great… for about four questions. After that, it pretty much devolved into Jean-Claude Van Damme awkwardly hitting on Sarah.

Beautiful? Why?
I really opened myself up in “JCVD.” I peeled back the skin of the fruit, cut the pulp and then took that very hard seed. In this film I cut that hard seed, and inside that seed was a kind of liquid cream substance of the man I am, or the woman you are.

OK —
It was like being naked—I would love to be naked in front of you.

Well, I —
Not being naked being naked. I say such things in Hong Kong and they thought I was being a crazy Frenchman. Being naked of protection.

So you’ve no regrets at all?
Believe me—I’ve done very good stuff and very crazy stuff, and I don’t regret the crazy stuff. So are you in New York?

Yes, I am.
And are you 27, or 32?

I’m 22.
Oh, f–––. That is very young. Will you come to the premiere?

I don’t know. When is it?
I don’t know. You will wear all black, a black dress and high heels?

Uh —
You can come find me, I will be the one with the very broad shoulders, dark hair and a simple suit. We can have some champagne, you and me.

You could actually hear Jean-Claude salivate and his pants tighten when Sarah said she was 22. I think Sarah should do it. You only live once and who hasn’t wanted to fend off creepy, sexual advances and be inappropriately fondled at a premiere by Jean-Claude Van Damme?

By the way, I’m putting up that JCVD dancing boner video again. It goes really well with this post.

[Image via Splash News]

Well, uhh, that server move didn’t go as well as I had hoped. Things are being fixed left and right and you should notice everything is moving a lot faster now. Because I feel so bad, I posted a video of Jean-Claude Van Damme getting an erection on a Brazilian TV Show. Yea, I didn’t know he was still alive either.