FADE IN:
INT. CEDARS-SINAI HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY
A scream pierces the maternity ward. Ben Affleck holds up a misshapen object with a heartbeat. Jennifer Garner lays unconscious on a hospital bed. Doctor William Thompson has a hand on Ben’s shoulder.
BEN (O.S.)
But..but..we are BEAUTIFUL! How could this be ours?!?
DOCTOR WILLIAM THOMPSON (O.S.)
It is God’s test. We must …

Continue reading "She’s beautiful on the inside…"

Jennifer Garner was on some German show “Wetten Das?” where I assume she was either promoting her movie or doing the Soulja Boy. I really don’t know. I’m only posting these pics because I think she looks weird. Not weird weird or funny weird, but weird strange like this dead hooker I thought I got …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner is animated"

A few people have been saying Jennifer Garner’s baby, Violet, isn’t blessed with her mother’s good looks. I think that’s mean. Aside from the fact Violet likes to feast on human souls and virgin blood, she’s like any other baby. This reminds me. One time I was walking behind Jennifer and all of a sudden …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner walks around with her baby"

Jennifer Garner was in Santa Monica the other day buying fruit. She also managed to show her whale tail when she bent down to unstrap her kid, Violet. I’m not sure why this makes me feel pervy when it shouldn’t, but I’m just going to stuff that feeling down much like I do with anger …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner buys fruit, wears panties"

Here’s Jennifer Garner hugging Shaq which is pretty weird because you don’t expect her to be hanging out with the guy. I guess there’s an interesting connecting between these two. I’m not sure what. Their hatred of starring in good movies? Their love of cuddling with Ben Affleck?

Continue reading "Did he just fart?"

Jennifer Garner was out surfing with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in Hawaii and damn, she’s got a nice body for someone who had a kid. Ben Affleck lucked out with this one. Judging by his failed relationship with Jennifer Lopez, his string of box office bombs and living in Matt Damon’s shadow, by now, …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner wears a bikini and surfs"

Still on vacation, Jennifer Garner was snapped with a pronounced belly that could indicate she’s pregnant again with Ben Affleck’s hell-spawn or that she’s a little tubby. I have no clue, but I do know everyone says her daughter, Violet, isn’t blessed with her good looks. Whatever. I think the baby is pretty cute. She’s …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner might be pregnant"

Listen Jennifer Garner, I don’t know why you’re paddling on a surfboard instead of in a canoe or in some other boat-like structure, but I do know what you’re wearing isn’t acceptable beach attire. Sure, you probably have leftover pregnancy fat, but that’s no excuse not to wear a bikini top. When I see pictures …

Continue reading "Jennifer Garner paddles a surfboard"