When you’re at home alone with your cats, like I assume Jennifer Love Hewitt is all the time, besides checking out those three wedding rings you’ve picked out for your future fiance to buy you and making a list of all the single celebrities to ask out in the next issue of Us Weekly, there’s not a lot to do.

Which is why JLH had time to vajazzle (vagina bedazzle) herself in preparation for A&E Networks 2012 Upfront event. JLH told NYDN she stuck Swarovski crystals on her vagina because it was a special occasion, adding, “I’m full of good energy.”

Thus, another reason is added to the ever growing list titled, “Reasons Jennifer Love Hewitt Is Still Single,” or, alternatively, “Why Jennifer Love Hewitt Seems Batsh*t Crazy.”

PS: I know the title is a little repetitive so just deal with it.

Jennifer Love Hewitt went on the Wendy Williams Show to promote her OK! Cupid jerk off reel The Client List and to also share her bucket list. One of the top things she dreams of doing is becoming a Victoria’s Secret Angel for a day appearing on the cover of the magazine.

I want to be a Victoria’s Secret Angel so bad. Just for the day. Look I want to wear the wings. I already wear the lingerie for a living now, so I’m working out and I’m ready. I just want to be on the cover of the catalog. I think it would be really nice of them, so thanks. Wendy Williams via Celebitchy

These stories should really come with warning labels. I tilted my head back so hard to laugh that I almost broke my neck.

Lifetime has finally figured out the best way to promote Jennifer Love Hewitt and her new show The Client List, where she gives a new guy a happy ending every week. The trick is to put her in a bandage dress to tightly wrap and hide any fat, squeeze her between two hefty girls and mostly shoot her from the waist up. The only question now is why it took them so long to figure this out?

Jennifer Love Hewitt posted a makeup-free photo of herself on Facebook the other day. She captioned it, “The no make up look… Glam look to follow.”

She didn’t look too bad. But keep in mind she filtered the photo softening it and blowing out the colors which hid a lot of imperfections. For all we know, a before-filter and after-filter version of this photo could be like one of those videos where you stare at a person and a creepy undead girl pops out and screams at you.

Last week, Jennifer Love Hewitt spent two or three days publicly hitting on Adam Levine promising him massages and handjobs. When he didn’t respond, JLH thought she had embarrassed him in some way and that he’d never speak to her again. Well, Jennifer can stop carving the word “fatty” into her arm because Adam Levine finally responded.

Speaking with Access Hollywood, Levine says, “It’s very flattering and very sweet and lovely to hear.”

A short, to the point acknowledgement of Jennifer he gave out of courtesy which she’ll probably over-analyze for the next week in order to find a deeper meaning that doesn’t exist. “Ah ha! It’s an anagram for ‘get you wet,’” she’ll proudly say to herself on day 5.

Not even the promise of massages and handjobs could get Adam Levine to respond to the whirling dervish of crazy that is Jennifer Love Hewitt. So she’s decided to cut her losses and focus on a new man. Dancing With the Stars’ Maksim Chmerkovskiy, the dance partner who somehow resisted the charms of Kirstie Alley.

JLH was in the audience at DWTS on Monday night “trying to get Maksim’s attention.” A witness says “She was wearing a skintight dress, sitting front-row and smiling at him all night.”

Thankfully, Jennifer sounds a lot more coy now. Unless the source left out the part about her making a hole with her thumb and forefinger and then jamming the index finger on her other hand in and out of it when they made eye contact.

When Jennifer Love Hewitt isn’t offering Adam Levine a massage and a handjob, she’s giving dating advice. Obviously, she’s an authority on that stuff.

She tells Us Weekly that she dabs pure vanilla extract on her neck and carries around Booty Parlor’s Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Breath Spray just in case a guy wants to make out with her. Presumably before they realize she’s a lunatic who carries around Booty Parlor’s Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Breath Spray.

“I carry McCormick’s Pure Vanilla [in my purse] — the baking kind — and dab it on my neck,” she tells Us Weekly. “Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, ‘You smell amazing!’” Us Weekly

They could have followed that up with, “I’d love to take you home and grind your bones into a fine paste to use as the special ingredient in my human desert,” and she still would have giggled thinking they were hitting on her. Oh and about those impromptu make-out sessions I mentioned earlier.

“I love Booty Parlor’s Kissaholic Aphrodisiac Breath Spray,” she says. “You never know when a make-out moment is coming!”

Because guys just love it when the inside of your mouth smells like a Victoria’s Secret.

When you’re as desperate as Jennifer Love Hewitt to find a guy who’ll pick up one of those three wedding rings you’ve pre-chosen, you’re going to have to violently snuff out feelings such as shame and dignity. That’s exactly what happened before JLH went on Ellen to publicly hit on Adam Levine who recently split from model girlfriend Anne V. If you asked her about it after the fact, she isn’t even embarrassed. In fact, she went one step further and offered him a massage with a happy ending at the launch party of her new tv series.

“Put it out there,” Hewitt told me last night at The Client List launch party when I asked about her maybe crush on the Maroon 5 frontman and The Voice coach. “Why not? Let’s see if he comes a-knockin’.”

Or how about getting him a gig on the Client List? Based on her Lifetime movie of the same name, the series again stars Hewitt as a masseuse who provides happy endings. “Yeah, I should massage him,” Hewitt said. “I mean, I really should.” E!

But even though JLH is without shame, she’s still capable of feeling bitter disappointment.

In a radio interview with Texas DJ Bobby Bones on Friday, she said, “Is there nothing else to talk about?”

And when the radio presenter asked her if anything had happened after she opened up about her celebrity crush, she added, “Absolutely nothing except that everybody is talking about it and Adam Levine will probably never speak to me.

“I feel like I should write him an apology letter on Twitter or something just to say I’m so sorry… I wasn’t thinking that it was gonna turn into this whole thing and I feel bad.” StarPulse

Don’t be mistaken though. She’s not giving up just yet.

“I was kind of hoping that he would say thanks for at least thinking that he’s hot. He is hot!”

You know why Adam Levine hasn’t said anything yet, Jennifer? It’s because he’s been backing away slowly for so long that he’s in Switzerland where the extradition laws are lax.

And just so we’re clear, while men like women who are forward, there’s a fine line between forward and crazy and Jennifer is about 20 miles past that line.

Jennifer Love Hewitt has been on a desperate search for a new man to buy one of the three wedding rings she’s pre-chosen. Now with news that Adam Levine is single, Jennifer thinks she’s found the perfect one. Good luck with that, JLH.

“I always have my eyes out,” the Client List actress, 33, says in an interview airing Thursday on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. “I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again … I’m just saying.”

“Look, we would be cute,” she says, as DeGeneres shows a photo of Levine, 33. PEOPLE

Whatever you do Adam, don’t stare into her bedazzled vagina. I hear that’s how Jennifer hypnotizes you.

According to Crazy Days and Nights via The Superficial, Jennifer Love Hewitt has been tapped to be the new spokesperson for eHarmony. I haven’t found any other sources to back this up but CDaN says they’re paying her and even flew a guy to LA for a date. Hewitt, who plays a hooker on The Client List, was said to be bored, disinterested and looked to just be doing it for the money.

Once again, Jennifer Love Hewitt bedazzles her vagina, has three wedding rings pre-selected and ready to be picked up and hit on a Bachelorette reject through Twitter. Clearly she’s the perfect spokesperson for eHarmony. That is if eHarmony’s tagline is, “More clingy and psychotic girls than you’ll know what to do with and who you’ll still not be good enough for.”

Jennifer Love Hewitt covers the new issue of Maxim and they did a great job photoshopping her lower half. You can’t even tell she’s a centaur in these.

Inside, Jennifer tells the mag, “It’s horrible to say, but I like my boobs.” Whoa, hey, me too. Turns out we have a lot in common. “They’ve always served me well. They’re good.” Jennifer then adds that despite taking pole dancing classes, she has no one to watch her.

Hewitt, who will play a prostitute on Lifetime’s The Client List series, says, “It’s a great way to get in touch with your sexuality. I also love to cook, so I can have a cake in the oven while I do a pole dance.”

But lately, the currently single starlet says there doesn’t seem to be anyone to watch her sexy moves.

“It might sound so stupid, but guys do not hit on me,” she notes. “I’m not really sure why.” PEOPLE

Gee, I wonder why. Do you think maybe guys are a little scared because she bedazzles her vagina? Or that she already has three wedding rings picked out and on hold? Or that she may have tried to pick up a Bachelorette reject through Twitter? These are all red flags for “this b**ch be crazy.”

Here’s Jennifer Love Hewitt on the set of The Client List in her new goto bandage dress. Her handlers must have seen Kim Kardashian wear this and finally realized this is the exact type of dress to wear if you don’t want people to know you have a fat ass.

Jennifer Love Hewitt turned 33 yesterday and she did what any self-respecting D-list celebrity named Jennifer Love Hewitt would do and that’s go to The Ivy to stuff her face and get papped by photogs. What a wonderful birthday gift to herself. Food and attention. She couldn’t have asked for more. Except, seconds and maybe dessert.