Former Us Weekly intern and recently outed part time stripper/society reporter for The Houston Chronicle/Diary of an Angry Stripper blogger Sarah Tressler penned a post (via Gawker) about the time she interviewed Entourage’s Jeremy Piven who she let take her home and go down on her. To make a long story short, it wasn’t as magnificent as she imagined it would be.

This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV—a football game was on mute—and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.

I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.

To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.

“Jeremy! The candle— !”

Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.

Sarah has since set her Diary of an Angry stripper blog to private, but like all things internet, content never just disappears. Back to the story though. Ari Gold is terrible at giving head. I thought that was pretty obvious.

Side note: This part of the NYDN article was pretty enjoyable. Apparently Tressler’s colleagues at the Houston Chronicle were mad at her “for flaunting the designer clothes she purchased with ‘stripper money’ while regular reporters struggle to make ends meet.” Oh boo hoo. Nothing is stopping these people from making a little cash on the side themselves. If I was her, I’d walk into that office every day and ask all the whiners “u jelly?”

Jeremy Piven told E! that he must be an 18-year-old girl because he had such a great time hanging out with Miley while filming So Undercover. Jeremy squealed,

“I think I must be an 18-year-old girl because we got along really well,” Piven told me while promoting his new drama I Melt With You at the Sundance Film Festival’s Bing Bar. “It was just so much fun. I had so much fun with her and we had great chemistry. It was really really weird—we’re like polar opposites.”

As for the Miley haters, Piven’s got her back. “You know, you can judge her, but what were you doing when you were 18?” he said. “She’s kind of amazing. There’s something so incredibly refreshing about someone who is exactly who they are. There’s nothing pretentious about her. She’s this force. She loves to laugh.”

The only reason Jeremy Piven prattles on and on about Miley Cyrus like this is because she probably has pretty good weed hook-ups. The inside of their trailers must have looked like someone set off a canister of tear gas.

Jeremy Piven continues to blame his bad health, appearance, and overall douchery on excessive exposure to specific foods. This time around, food detective Piven discovered his mysterious growth in man teats was due to soy milk. Perhaps he should do us all a favor and stop eating altogether. The Huffington Post reports,

“I was the guy that dabbled in soy milk, but now I’ve found out soy milk has enough estrogen for me to grow breasts,” he told STV (via Digital Spy). “I had to put the soy milk down. It was a very confusing time.”

And in other news, trannies have depleted the soy milk supply in grocery stores across the world. And when I say trannies, I’m referring to myself. These A-cups can’t get enough help. Cheers!

Dane Cook, Jeremy Piven and Kid Rock were all in Vegas and huddled together to take this picture of them giving the camera the finger. So. Bad Ass. If this picture was scratch-n-sniff, it would probably smell like vinegar.

Page Six Magazine via PEOPLE said Jeremy Piven was a grade A asshole during a photo shoot meant to promote his play Speed the Plow. This was before he claimed to have contracted mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi.

“This isn’t my first time on the merry-go-round,” he said when asked to pose for a traditional head-shot. “You want mediocre? I can give you mediocre.” His pose? A DMV-worthy grin.

But, as you can see here, Piven didn’t want to give mediocre a little later. He popped his collar, and “letting out a guttural moan,” ripped the sleeves off a $350 Giorgio Armani shirt, the mag reports. (result above)

Bravo, Jeremy Piven. You’ve earned the title of the biggest dick in the world. You must want your prize. Here it is. Two scoops of “die in a fire” with a side of “being extinguished with a bat.” Bon appetit.

As you know, Jeremy Piven dropped out of the Broadway play Speed the Plow amidst claims that he suffered from mercury poisoning due to eating too much raw sushi. Piven claimed that he was having trouble remembering his lines and fainting in his room.

Piven then made an appearance on Today to explain himself saying the only protein he’d ever gotten for the past 20 years was through eating fish. So you would see how Piven would have come down with mercury poison at some point.

Regardless, the National Fisheries Institute took offense to his comments. They ended up annotating Piven’s Today interview with facts of their own such as “there is no peer-reviewed evidence that anyone in the U.S. has ever suffered from mercury poisoning from eating commercial seafood,” and “Jeremy Piven is a big fat head.” The NFI has a really good point with that last one.

While people can get mercury poisoning from fish, it doesn’t happen often, but there have been instances where high levels of mercury have been found in tuna sushi. Decide for yourselves, I guess.

Here’s a rundown of what’s been going on with Jeremy Piven and the Broadway production of Speed-the-Plow. Last year, Piven was signed on to make his Broadway debut in David Mamet’s Speed-the-Plow. After a few shows, Piven then decided he didn’t want to do it anymore and requested an early release due to exhaustion. His request was denied. In mid-December, Piven’s doctor wrote him a little note saying he couldn’t perform because he had “elevated levels of mercury” from eating too much fish. Piven is an avid sushi eater.

Backers of the show called BS and investigated Piven’s claim of mercury poisoning in an effort to “squeeze some money out of him.” Page Six says that Jeremy Piven has already been examined by another doctor, but Jeffrey Richards, the lead producer, would not reveal the results citing confidentiality. However, Jeffrey added ominously, “We’re in the process of discussing what our next step will be.”

Jeremy Piven should have come up with something better than mercury poisoning from too much sushi. That’s like saying I’m too tired to work because I’ve been making out with these models every night and I might have gotten mono or I might have herniated a disc from playing too much Wii.

During the Spike TV awards airing this Sunday, Jeremy Piven attempted to hit on Megan Fox, but failed miserably. Piven opened with,

I don’t know you, but I should,” said Piven, staring at her like she was a lamb chop. He went on: “I know you’re getting an award.” Said an unimpressed Fox: “Do you even know which one?” The “Entourage” star was ready to answer, but she’d already walked away.

Personally, I open up girls by threatening their family and if that doesn’t work, I turn on the charm by pulling out a gun. I find that works pretty well too.

Entourage star, Jeremy Piven, still hits on the ladies even though he says he’s in love with Lillian Grant. At a Microsoft party at Twelve21 on Monday, Piven “got a lot of numbers.” Except, later that night, he didn’t get laid.

“…he was texting two different models he picked up separately, telling each, ‘Come meet me.’ He had no clue they knew each other and were laughing about the identical messages.” Piven, who is staying at the Mercer Hotel for two months, told us, “It was my hope that in texting both ladies, I would make it onto Page Six, so everybody wins.”

I’ve never been invited to a Microsoft party so obviously they’re pretty crappy. But, Piven and I are a lot alike in thatI get a lot of digits too. The funny thing is everyone I pick up lives in the same area. I can tell because their numbers all start with 555. That’s somewhere in LA, right?

Jeremy Piven has been sent to the streets from Hollywood to save rap. His head bob and no-no finger wave will bring the dying genre out of the stagnant waters it’s been wallowing in for the past few years. Step aside Kanye and 50 Cent, compared to Piven, your street cred couldn’t even buy you a bus pass.

Jeremy Piven has been banned from Nobu following an incident at Nobu in Aspen. Jeremy was in town to appear on a panel with fellow Entourage stars when one night he came to the restaurant with 12 or more people and asked for a table. Despite being extremely busy, they found him one. After he finished, he told the manager, “Thanks for nothing” and tipped the waiter a first season Entourage DVD. As he left, the waiter ran up the stairs and chucked it at him.

This is pretty much what happens to me when I go out to eat. Except, instead of a DVD, I leave them used underwear. And instead of throwing it back in my face, they take a big whiff and swoon. Sometimes there’s even fainting. Like I told the manager, this is perfectly normal. Hey, why are you calling the police, you should be calling the ambulance.

• Piven commits a Nobu no-no [Gatecrasher]

• Black Snake Moan is Ricci porn. [Pajiba]
• Jeremy Piven flips his wig. [CityRag]
• David and Victoria Beckham no friends of the environment. [HB]
• We find out the Osbourne with HIV is a cousin. [SOW]

• Beyonce Upgrade U video – [Popbytes]
• Eva Longoria does the Desperate Housewives thing. [Celebrity Smack]
• Coco has an interesting stain on her pants. [Bastardly]
• Izabel Goulart likes them chubby. [Grumpiest]

• Kate Beckinsale looks cold. [NinjaDude]
• Naomi Campbell says no to drugs. [Celebslam]
• Juliet Binoche’s toddler peeled all the gold off her Oscar. [Celebitchy]
• Chris Evan wants to make one thing clear. [ICYDK]

Lindsay Lohan fainted today on the set of Georgia Rule from dehydration. She was taken by private car to a hospital where they gave her a vitamin B shot. The reason was probably the gang bang at Piven’s birthday bash. Those things are tiring. Look closely and you can see the sex bruises. As a bonus, you can see her attempt to read 100 Things To Do Before You Die. It seems like just yesterday she was reading Dr. Seuss. But that’s ok, I like them dumb and whorish.