Jesse James is returning to reality tv, probably because he’s running out of money, with a new show called American Chopper: The Build-Off. And guess what? He’s still bitter he got caught cheating. In the beginning of the first episode, James says, “I became a big shot and married some Hollywood actress and didn’t talk to anybody anymore, so I feel bad.” Of course, that “some Hollywood actress” is Sandra Bullock. People are going to love this guy.

James creates a stainless-steel “middle-finger” bike which is apparently the first motorcycle he’s personally built in five years and he explains his reason for returning to TV.

“I feel obligated to reconnect with all these people and show ‘em that I’m still the same fabricator motorcycle guy. I’m not what I became.” Radar Online

Oh look at Jesse James. What a badass. He’s brash and offensive and doesn’t care about anything. No woman can change him. What a rebel. Just don’t show footage of him getting a mani/pedi in his trailer or else his cover will be blown.

Like any progressive woman of the 21st century, Kat Von D took to Facebook to passive-aggressively bitch out her now ex-again-boyfriend, Jesse James. She begins by nothing that, today, she met the 19th girl Jesse cheated on her with. Ouch, this Facebook note isn’t getting off to a good start.

Today I encountered the 19th girl to add to the list of people Jesse cheated on me with during this last year.

I kept going back and forth in my mind as to what the best way would be for me to release and let go of any residual feelings remaining from that toxic relationship. All of this may sound petty or immature to some, but I assure you this is coming from a place of pure honesty and love. Facebook

Kat continues that she didn’t go into this relationship with the express purpose to change Jesse but it would have been nice if she did. Should we start laughing at her now or later? Sounds like she has a lot more to say.

There was a time when I was confident and excited at proving the world wrong, because I believed so deeply in people’s ability to change for the better. Although this was not a primary purpose in the relationship, I did feel like it would be a positive thing for those who judged Jesse solely based on what they read in tabloids, to see that change is always possible – even in the people who seem hopeless.

I still believe that, even if that change never occurs inside of him – because I see proof of change everyday – in others, and in myself.
I’m far from perfect, but am willing to examine myself, and my patterns of dysfunction, and then put in the work to better myself. It’s a daily practice, but it’s working.

Sure, its easy to tell someone, “I told you so” especially if you’re criticizing someone from the outside, but that attitude comes from a place called Ego, and not Love.
I know I deserve a big fat “I told you so,” from everyone, and wish I didn’t have to say, “You all were more right than you’ll ever know” but you were.

Not to worry, I’ve gladly paid the consequences for every mistake I’ve ever made, but learned so much from each of them.

Also, she’s not the girl who broke up Jesse and Sandra Bullock so get off her case already.

Yes, I am pretty tired of getting mistaken for the girl who everyone believes to have broken up Jesse and Sandra’s marriage, just because I have black hair and tattoos like that other gal. That does get a quite annoying at times, and it would be nice to not be associated with her, but that’s trivial in the grand scheme of things.

Kat wonders aloud why Jesse would rather bang a bunch of whores than be a good person. Um… *points to new vagina*

I think it just made me sad today to imagine him still in that dark place – where seeking validation through the attention of women takes precedence over being a good father, a sincere friend, a better coworker, and a happy individual.

I tried my best to go through all of this without venting, or complaining, or fueling more tabloid mumbo jumbo – but this isn’t about any of that.
This is about me making peace with myself, and forgiving myself for making some bad mistakes.

At least Kat says it’s time to move on for real.

I don’t want to sink into the feelings of regret, or resentment.
Because right now, for the first time in my life I have felt regret, (for someone like me, who’s never felt that before, this is hard to say out loud).

Time is something you can never get back, and what we do with this very present moment is the most real thing we have. So if that’s the lesson Jesse forced me to face and learn by all of this, than all I can say is Thank You.

It would be nice to move on now, and kindly thank you all in advance for your support, love, and positivity.

Life is far too grand to focus on the negative and put each other down.

Translation: I know I’m a complete idiot for thinking Jesse James wouldn’t cheat on me even though he ran through the entire Suicide Girls catalog while he was with Sandra Bullock but can you stop making fun of me for thinking he wouldn’t do the same with me?

Well, we could, but how else are you going to learn from your mistakes if we don’t make fun of you for it? That was a rhetorical question, by the way. No need to answer.

In a last ditch effort to save her just cancelled reality show, Kat Von D and Jesse James have become engaged again. I think this way because I’m cynical.

Jesse confirms the news to PEOPLE and says Kat is wearing her ring again. “Sometimes you are only given one chance in life,” he says. “It was up to me to open my eyes and see it. That girl is my chance. I will never stop fighting and striving to hold on to her. Showing her how special she is, and how much I love her.” He also tweeted, “*para siempre*” with a link to the photo above.

I imagine after this Kat went to the TLC execs to plead her case and said, “Maybe THIS will change your mind,” while waving her engagement ring in the air. When execs shook their heads, that’s when Kat got really desperate and started juggling and tap dancing at the same time.

Jesse James’ penis is like a divining rod for tattooed whores so it’s no surprise that his split with Kat Von D may have been because of another woman.

An eyewitness reports that Jesse and Kat argued outside of her LA home on Monday about another woman and how she didn’t like him living so far away.

Jesse, the image of level-headedness, said, “Fine, f**k you!,” and sped off on his little motorcycle. Ooooo, what a hard-ass tool.

The most confusing thing about Jesse’s cheating is that he cheats down. All of his affairs are with women less attractive. It’s like he expects them to be more discrete even though it’s common knowledge ugly people can’t keep secrets.

The bad news is that before Kat Von D and Jesse James split, Kat tattooed Jesse James’ 10-year-old face on her left side. The good news is that with the amount of tattoos she has, her body looks like someone threw a bottle of ink at it meaning no one gives a sh*t. You’re not going to be able to tell Vanilla Gorilla’s face from the rest of that mess.

In a sneak peek of the season premiere of LA Ink, Kat says, “I’m getting his face tattooed on me and I have no idea how he’s going to react.” When Jesse comes he jokes, “I feel like I’m in court,” sounding pretty nervous about Kat’s surprise.

He seems happy with her new ink – saying “you’re crazy,” but ultimately telling Kat “yeah” he loves it, and “I love you.”

Perhaps foreshadowing the future, Kat says she was scared about Jesse’s reaction. “I thought you were going to tell me you were breaking up with me.”

Haha, it’s funny because he did break up with her. Now she forever has a reminder of the Vanilla Gorilla as a little boy. I bet the other guys she sleeps with will love that!

Everyone saw this coming a mile away so nothing abut this Jesse James and Kat Von D split is particularly surprising except for the fact they didn’t announce it after their marriage to maximize the publicity. The two had been engaged for half a year and were planning a summer wedding although rumors of an impending breakup were already spreading.

The reason for the split seems to be distance. The commute between LA where Kat shoots her reality show and Jesse’s home in Texas was too much. James tells PEOPLE “I’m so sad because I really love her. The distance between us was just too much.” That is to say, it wouldn’t be long before Jesse started trolling tattoo parlors for new tail.

Kat Von D confirmed the split on Twitter and asked for privacy. “I am no longer w Jesse,” she writes, “and out of respect for him, his family and myself, thats all the info I’d like to share. Thanks for respecting that.”

Haha, isn’t she adorable? This girl who makes a living off reality tv thinks she gets to pick and choose what to keep private. You sweet, misguided fool. You’re lucky no one cares about either of you.

Jesse James denied rumors of an impending split to PEOPLE. James said, “That is absolutely not true. We’re still going strong. Things are completely good with us.” Kat Von D added, “That’s the furthest thing from the truth.”

In fact, the two are planning a summer wedding on the one year anniversary of their first date. “Everything is on track,” says James. “I am absolutely more in love today than I was a year ago. She’s the one for me.”

Much like Sandra Bullock was the one for him. Guess how that turned out? I give it one year before James cheats on her with a woman with an iron cross tattooed on her forehead.

A series of tweets and insidery info have lead many to believe that the Cinderella love story between cheating Jesse James and fame whoring Kat Von D may very well be over. Everybody all at once now. Awww.

A source tells Life & Style that Jesse has been telling friends it’s over between he and Kat explaining that there’s too much drama.

Tweets between the two have helped further the rumor.

“I guess I was trying to take too much from the world. Funny how things go from amazing to s–t in the blink of an eye,” Jesse tweeted on June 5. “I have no regrets,” Kat tweeted the same day. [L&S]

Whatever. These two would have lasted at most 1 year before they got fed up with each other. The Roadrunner and Wil E. Coyote could last longer together than these two.

Jesse James kept it classy by going on the Howard Stern Show today and telling everyone Kat Von D is a much better lover than Sandra Bullock.

There to promote his book American Outlaw, the conversation turned to who’s better at sex.

“That one is an easy no-brainer,” Stern said after wondering who’s better. “Kat Von D.”

“One hundred percent,” James replied. “She’s a vixen. If she cheated on me, I would forgive her and still love her.”

Way to throw in a jab at Sandra Bullock not taking his dumb ass back. By the same token, if she didn’t forgive him, does this mean he sucks in bed too? We’ll probably find out when Kat Von D goes on Howard Stern after their divorce.

James also played the victim implying Sandra Bullock drove him to cheat.

“She could stand there in front of the world and say she loved me, but in my mind I was thinking, ‘Yeah? Bulls**t. You don’t love me. I’m just some biker kid,’” he confessed, adding that he began straying from the Blind Side star two years after their 2005 wedding.

If you were wondering if it was possible for Jesse to sound like a bigger dbag, then here you go. Note that Jesse had a world famous bike shop and a tv show. He’s so far removed from being a “biker kid” that if he met a real biker kid, his monocle would pop out of his eye and his bow tie would spin around in a 360.

Last year, a photo of Jesse James in a Nazi cap hailing Hitler was leaked. Today, two more pictures of Jesse James with Nazi imagery were released. In one of them, he’s riding around in a convertible smiling while his friend gives a sieg heil. In the other, he dresses a children’s book character, Flat Stanley, up as Adolf Hitler.

An “insider” explains “he’s into history.” They added that Jesse isn’t a skinhead, “The swastika deal is to scare people. It’s part of biker culture.”

You mean, to scare people like, oh, I don’t know, Jewish people along with other minorities? Because I’m pretty sure that’s the point of the swastika. That’s why you don’t see any skinheads spraying a happy face on the side of someone’s house. It doesn’t exactly strike fear in their victim’s hearts.

According to reports, Sandra Bullock was aware of Jesse James and Kat Von D’s engagement before they announced it to the whole world. That makes him only 99% asshole-ish now apparently.

Anyway, not ones to waste time, Radar says the two are getting married next month in a small ceremony outside of California.

“Jesse and Kat don’t see any reason why they should wait to trade vows,” a source close to the couple explained.

“They are madly in love with each other and want to make everything official.”

Please don’t tell me they’re marrying on Valentine’s Day and that they’re getting tattoos to celebrate their marriage. I’m tired of groaning and I can only shake my head so much before I suffer brain damage.

Jesse James used to have a good thing going with Sandra Bullock but he chose to torpedo that relationship by cheating on her with multiple women including a tattooed hussy named Bombshell McGee. Sorry, every time I read that name I think of Mr. Magoo so excuse my giggling. Anyway, he dumped them and went to a slightly more famous tattooed idiot, Kat Von D. Now they’re getting married. Take it away, PEOPLE:

“You know sometimes the public and press gets it wrong. This is one of those times. 2010 was actually the best year of my life because I fell in love with my best friend. An amazing woman who stood behind me when the world turned their backs,” James tells PEOPLE exclusively. “I have never met anyone so kind and loving and committed to making the world a better place every day. My love for her is beyond description. So honored that she said ‘yes.’ Growing old with her is going to be a f—-n’ blast!”

“Stood behind me when the world turned their backs.” What a dick. This guy repeatedly cheated on his wife while she was out working and adopting babies and now he’s the victim. Oh boo hoo. I’m sure the world sympathizes with you, Jesse James. You were undeserving of all the criticism. It’s like people turned on you for no reason at all.

Sandra Bullock tells PEOPLE magazine that there will be no reconciliation between her and Jesse James. Bullock says, “I support Jesse in his move to Austin. We have both  moved on with our lives and only want the best for each other. Anything else that is said on my behalf is inaccurate.”

Which is great because if she did get back together with Jesse then the message Kat Von D just tweeted, “And yes, Jesse and I are dating,” would have made things real awkward. More awkward than the time I lay naked in Megan Fox’s bed and shouted, “Hi, it’s me. Brian Austin Green,” when she walked in.