I mean, technically he does but it sounds more girly than it really is. Jesse Metcalfe tells OK!, “I collect antique pieces, taxidermy – a wild Russian boar, a ram, a water buck, a peacock that’s perched on my mantle. They’re incredible.”

Whatever. Jesse probably said he collects stuffed animals like bunnies and Pooh Bears and realized at the last second that made him sound totally gay. So, he kicked his dolly under his bed, lowered his voice and said, “You know, like taxidermy. Dead animals and stuff. Grrr!”

Jesse Metcalfe, the man with the impeccably groomed face, fell 30 to 40 feet from a balcony in Monaco on Sunday. The Desperate Housewives gardner was taken to Grasse hospital to be X-rayed and brain scanned. After being discharged on Monday, he went to London to get a CAT scan. Metcalfe ended up with only a fractured fibular.

“To have fallen that distance and not have any major injuries was a miraculous escape,” says the rep. “It was a very scary experience for him and those of us who saw him. It was a nasty fall. He was found face down on the floor … It could easily have been fatal.”

Jesse looks like a pretty boy so you can bet when he bounced off the ground, drunk off his ass, the first thing he did was cry because he had a couple scratches on his face. Good thing he didn’t see what happened to him while he was unconscious. Who knew something that big could fit in a hole that small?

Late last night outside Boulevard 3 nightclub, Jesse Metcalfe, of Desperate Housewives fame, made some remarks about Taryn Manning. A friend of Taryn took offense and delivered a beautiful haymaker which knocked Jesse flat on his ass. He managed to recover pretty quickly, but the punch must have shook his brain loose because the only thing he could say after standing up was, “What the fuck?! What the fuck?!” Etc., etc.

Jesse Metcalfe has checked into rehab for alcohol issues. I’ve heard of this Jesse Metcalfe guy before. I just can’t remember from where. Maybe his publicist can help out.

“On Monday, March 19, Jesse Metcalfe entered a rehab facility to deal with alcohol issues. He realized he had a problem and was anxious to deal with it immediately. The actor, best known as the hunky gardener on the ABC show ‘Desperate Housewives’ and the star of the film ‘John Tucker Must Die,’ hopes that the media will allow him the privacy to deal properly with his treatment.”

Oh, he’s the hunky gardener on Desperate Housewives and was in John Tucker Must Die? Silly me, I thought he was someone famous like Leonard Nimoy. I can’t say I’m surprised though. He’s been around town humping everything in sight. Oops, my mistake. That’s that Paris Hilton dude.

Jesse Metcalfe from Desperate Housewives and John Tucker Must Die was at SoHo House talking on his phone when the bartender asked him to take it in the lobby because there were no cellphones allowed in the bar and restaurant. He ignored her and she told him again but louder. He then started talking on his phone again 10 minutes later and again the bartender tells him take it to the lobby. Jesse then tried to flirt with her, but she was unimpressed and told him not to do it again. After that, he left.

The interesting thing about this is I have no idea who Jesse Metcalfe is. I’ve only seen one episode of Desperate Housewives and John Tucker Must Die isn’t out yet. To pull the flirt card, you have to be an A-lister like Hasselhoff or incredibly sexy like me. I once flirted my way out of going to jail after rear ending a police cruiser. Before the officer met me he was a straight man, but after, he became a flaming homosexual. I credit my piercing eyes and rugged good looks.