The 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards took place last night where celebrities sat around at tables while their peers gave them verbal handjobs. And for those people that didn’t win anything like Jessica Alba, at least she could revel in the fact that she’s had two kids and still looks hotter than 90% of the actresses last night.

Jessica Alba also spent the holidays near the water but in her case she spent it on a beach in Cabo. Oh, how bourgeoisie. What? A kiddie pool filled with stagnant still water isn’t good enough for you? Pfft. Pfft, I say.

This should really become a daily thing. How many magazines are out there? Christ. Enjoy.

- Abby Elliott in Maxim.

- Aimee Teegarden in an unknown photoshoot. She sort of looks like Elisha Cuthbert here.

- Annaelle in FHM France. Honestly, I don’t know who this chick is but you can see through her bra.

- Beatrice Chirita for Vova’s Fall/Winter campaign. I have it on good authority this girl is a model.

- Dianna Agron does Nylon.

- Emmy Rossum in Malibu Magazine. Sadly, not nude.

- Gina Carano does GQ. I wonder how long it took them to photoshop that fat off her. Everyone knows she blows up when she’s not training for a fight.

- Hilary Swank in Gotham not looking like a dude.

- Jessica Alba does In Style.

- Joanna Krupa in CKM Magazine.

- Kat Dennings in Bust Magazine.

- Kate Beckinsale in Flaunt.

- Kim Kardashian does Marie Claire.

- Lady Gaga gets made-up in GQ India.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley poses for Harper’s Bazaar

- Yvonne Strahovski for Allure

The Beauty Book for Brain Cancer is a new coffee table book with photos of celebrities including Leighton Meester, Eva Lonogoria, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Alba and more. All money from the sales of the book go towards charities for brain cancer research.

Here are a few of Jessica Alba’s shots from the book. They were taken by Darren Tieste I think. Anyway, this book is like a more awesome version of Maxim. It’s 312 pages of celebrity photoshoots without all those cumbersome words.

Sort of. Not really. Jessica Alba simply hosted Swarovski Elements and Rodeo Drive Holiday Lighting Ceremony in Beverly Hills on Monday with Cash Warren. The entire event was made up just to get Jessica Alba to come out because she’s so pretty. At least I assume so. I don’t see any other reason for a Swarovski lighting ceremony.

Jessica Alba was spotted in Brentwood today with her baby and a girlfriend going on a lunch date. A bandage was also spotted wrapped around her right forearm. Speculation is it might be a tattoo removal or Cash Warren had to tell her more than twice.

Jessica Alba was at some Ralph Lauren event hosted by Oprah a couple days ago in New York and she looked absolutely fantastic. You wouldn’t even know two kids popped out of her unless you took a close look at her vagina. Coincidentally, that’s next on my todo list.

Fame says that Jessica Alba isn’t wearing any makeup in these pictures of her after lunch at the Tavern for a business meeting. Clearly that’s a lie since you can see a little bit of makeup. And wasn’t she just pregnant for the second time? Why does she still look hot? Jesus. Madonna probably pointed her bony finger at her minions and sent some of her people to collect DNA samples to see what’s up with that.

Jessica Alba is pregnant but you can’t really tell because she stays in shape and wears loose-fitting clothes. Unlike some other pregnant celebs who just balloon up. Someone give this girl a medal.

The bad news is Jessica Alba was pregnant causing her to balloon to an ungodly weight (almost to that of an average American woman!!) that not even I could masturbate to. The good news is she gave birth over the weekend.

What popped out was a 7lbs, 19 inch long baby girl named Haven Garner Warren. She announced the happy news on Facebook.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Even better news is she’s going to be working out every day to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight and her boobs will be swollen for a while. Hopefully I can make due with what little consolation that brings me.

Jessica Alba showed up at the Spy Kids: All the Time in the World in 4D premiere in LA on Sunday and if you’re wondering, the fourth dimension they created is smell. So not only will your nose be assaulted with bo and buttered popcorn while you try to un-stick your feet from the floor, you’ll now be able to smell what the characters smell in the movie. Mainly sadness and despair.

But I digress. We’re here to talk about Jessica Alba not this terrible movie. She looks great. And still skinny even though she’s obscenely pregnant. Other women look like a hideous lump at this point in their pregnancy. Not Jessica though. Suffice to say, I’m sure she’ll be thrilled to know I’d still do her.

Jessica Alba showed off her baby bump yesterday proving just how terrible these parasitic embryos are. Why any woman would want to carry one inside them is beyond me. They get fatter, they crave food, sex is harder and they get generally unattractive. Pregnancies are nature’s cruel joke on pretty people.

In an interview with Latina magazine, Jessica Alba talks about her second baby, showing off her pregnant belly and the insecurities she had as a kid. She also talked about her breakout role in Dark Angel and how a lot of people in Hollywood glossed over her based on her racially ambiguous look. Huh?

“I certainly knew the significance of Dark Angel because I knew how difficult it was just to get to that point. A lot of people didn’t even give me a chance based on how racially ambiguous I looked.”

I just don’t see a casting director sitting on his couch and telling Jessica Alba that she wasn’t good for this part because no one could figure out if she was Mexican, Puerto Rican or a really tan white girl. His raging erection would have clearly undermined his argument.