In her latest iVillage blog, Jessica Alba explains that she’s finally come to terms with her disgusting body.

Before becoming a mother of two, Alba “couldn’t even say the word ‘sexy’ to describe [herself] without feeling funny and awkward.” Nevermind all those covers she was on and those top 100 lists she was in and the notes I sent her that read, “You’re hot, look out your window.” Alba was still “super-critical” of her looks and worried about the inevitable changes to her body. That’s all changed now after two babies have ravaged her. Go figure.

But becoming a mom has definitely made me feel more confident and secure than I ever did in my 20s. Even though I can’t ever get down to my pre-baby weight before having Honor, my jeans don’t zip up the same way, and things just hang differently (all moms know how that goes!), I feel completely comfortable in my skin and my idea of perfection has changed. I don’t really care about my body image anymore because it just doesn’t matter now that I have children. Instead, I focus on my health, feeling strong, and making sure I’m up and running so I can spend that all-important time with the girls.

Having babies also helped me embrace my sexuality. Up until then, I was quite shy about it. But once I experienced how incredible and amazing it was to create a life, it was empowering. Now, I feel freer to express myself and just be me. Through motherhood I really came into my own and, for me, feeling sexy is all about this type of comfort, confidence, and true happiness.

Ugh, I can tell Jessica doesn’t care about body image anymore. Just look at this ugly turd. She’s probably ballooned up to a size 1 now. Geez, lose some weight, fatty.

Here’s Jessica Alba covering the April 2012 edition of Jack Magazine. Mainly to remind us that she’s still one of the hottest celebrities in Hollywood and has been for well over 10 years. Sure, her career hasn’t quite taken off but there’s always a chance she’ll get back into TV now that the world has had enough time to wash the taste of Dark Angel out of their mouths.

You know why James the masseuse is standing behind a chair giving Jessica Alba a massage? It’s so his erection doesn’t keep poking her in the back of the head. This may surprise you, but that sort of thing is frowned upon. Shocking, I know.

The 69th Annual Golden Globes Awards took place last night where celebrities sat around at tables while their peers gave them verbal handjobs. And for those people that didn’t win anything like Jessica Alba, at least she could revel in the fact that she’s had two kids and still looks hotter than 90% of the actresses last night.

Jessica Alba also spent the holidays near the water but in her case she spent it on a beach in Cabo. Oh, how bourgeoisie. What? A kiddie pool filled with stagnant still water isn’t good enough for you? Pfft. Pfft, I say.

This should really become a daily thing. How many magazines are out there? Christ. Enjoy.

- Abby Elliott in Maxim.

- Aimee Teegarden in an unknown photoshoot. She sort of looks like Elisha Cuthbert here.

- Annaelle in FHM France. Honestly, I don’t know who this chick is but you can see through her bra.

- Beatrice Chirita for Vova’s Fall/Winter campaign. I have it on good authority this girl is a model.

- Dianna Agron does Nylon.

- Emmy Rossum in Malibu Magazine. Sadly, not nude.

- Gina Carano does GQ. I wonder how long it took them to photoshop that fat off her. Everyone knows she blows up when she’s not training for a fight.

- Hilary Swank in Gotham not looking like a dude.

- Jessica Alba does In Style.

- Joanna Krupa in CKM Magazine.

- Kat Dennings in Bust Magazine.

- Kate Beckinsale in Flaunt.

- Kim Kardashian does Marie Claire.

- Lady Gaga gets made-up in GQ India.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley poses for Harper’s Bazaar

- Yvonne Strahovski for Allure

The Beauty Book for Brain Cancer is a new coffee table book with photos of celebrities including Leighton Meester, Eva Lonogoria, Miley Cyrus, Jessica Alba and more. All money from the sales of the book go towards charities for brain cancer research.

Here are a few of Jessica Alba’s shots from the book. They were taken by Darren Tieste I think. Anyway, this book is like a more awesome version of Maxim. It’s 312 pages of celebrity photoshoots without all those cumbersome words.

Sort of. Not really. Jessica Alba simply hosted Swarovski Elements and Rodeo Drive Holiday Lighting Ceremony in Beverly Hills on Monday with Cash Warren. The entire event was made up just to get Jessica Alba to come out because she’s so pretty. At least I assume so. I don’t see any other reason for a Swarovski lighting ceremony.

Jessica Alba was spotted in Brentwood today with her baby and a girlfriend going on a lunch date. A bandage was also spotted wrapped around her right forearm. Speculation is it might be a tattoo removal or Cash Warren had to tell her more than twice.

Jessica Alba was at some Ralph Lauren event hosted by Oprah a couple days ago in New York and she looked absolutely fantastic. You wouldn’t even know two kids popped out of her unless you took a close look at her vagina. Coincidentally, that’s next on my todo list.

Fame says that Jessica Alba isn’t wearing any makeup in these pictures of her after lunch at the Tavern for a business meeting. Clearly that’s a lie since you can see a little bit of makeup. And wasn’t she just pregnant for the second time? Why does she still look hot? Jesus. Madonna probably pointed her bony finger at her minions and sent some of her people to collect DNA samples to see what’s up with that.

Jessica Alba is pregnant but you can’t really tell because she stays in shape and wears loose-fitting clothes. Unlike some other pregnant celebs who just balloon up. Someone give this girl a medal.

The bad news is Jessica Alba was pregnant causing her to balloon to an ungodly weight (almost to that of an average American woman!!) that not even I could masturbate to. The good news is she gave birth over the weekend.

What popped out was a 7lbs, 19 inch long baby girl named Haven Garner Warren. She announced the happy news on Facebook.

Hi Everyone,

Hope you’re enjoying the weekend. Cash and I are so excited to announce the birth of our daughter, Haven Garner Warren. She was born on Saturday, weighed 7lbs, and was 19 inches long. Healthy and happy! Big Sister Honor couldn’t be more excited about the new addition to our family.

Thank you for all of your support during my pregnancy. It means the world to me.

Even better news is she’s going to be working out every day to get back to her pre-pregnancy weight and her boobs will be swollen for a while. Hopefully I can make due with what little consolation that brings me.