In the latest issue of W Magazine, Jessica Biel says she’s never identified with girls. Which is weird because I assumed she was a prissy chick always gossiping about the 350 pounds she can bench, how she wrecked some guy in a pickup football game last weekend and how HGH makes her feel young again.

“[The first movie I remember seeing was] The Goonies. I never identified with girls, and the cast was all boys. Girls were nervous about going into caves; they were scaredy-cats—and I wasn’t into that at all. I loved the idea of being with a crew and having an adventure. I was really interested in pits full of snakes.”

I’m guessing she had more guy friends than girls as a kid because, for whatever reason, most young girls don’t find it endearing when you tell them to “grow a nutsack.” But her personality probably had more to do with her dad wanting a boy.

We lived in Colorado, and my parents were outdoorsy mountain people. My father would always say, “Go out and don’t come back until you have something to show me.” Which meant he wanted me to come back with a scraped knee or an injury. When I went out to play, I felt like I’d better get hurt.

I actually think that was a hint she should go out and kill a deer with her bare hands so they could eat but kids suck at reading between the lines. Not that her entire childhood was tomboyish though. She did have Barbies.

I did, but it was always, “Let’s play sex with Barbies!” My Barbies were usually naked. Once, I took their heads off, cut their hair, drew on their short, spiky hair with some markers, then stuck the heads on Christmas lights. Every year, we’d string our tree with those Barbie heads. It looked demonic. My parents were so cool—they saw it as a form of self-expression.

Ok, nevermind. I stand corrected. At least her upbringing led to a healthy appetite for sex which you can see in the quote above and the three selected out of context quotes below.

I’ve always been physical. I have no concept of what life is like without physical activity.

In truth, I like doing anything that requires breaking a sweat.

That’s going to be my new thing: Go dark and unhealthy. It’s time to be very, very bad.

Sex with Jessica Biel would be exciting and terrifying at the same time because you know at any moment she could fracture your penis with her vise-like vagina grip from those years of kegel exercises.

This was reported two weeks ago, but now Us sort of confirms it saying Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel in the mountains of Wyoming.

“Justin knows how much she loves snowboarding and the mountains, so it was the perfect place,” one insider explains.

After a brief three-month split in 2011, Biel made it clear that she wanted to spend her life with Timberlake, 30. “When they reunited, they had a conversation about taking the next step.” Us Weekly

Justin Timberlake was rumored to have been with Mila Kunis, Olivia Wilde, Olivia Munn and Amanda Seyfried. Basically all his co-stars. Proposing to Jessica Biel was obviously the next logical step after running out of vaginas.

If you missed this from the morning round-up, let me repeat it. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel might be engaged per Lainey. A tweet from an art gallery in Jackson, Wyoming read, “Word on the street is that Justin Timberlake proposed to Jessica Biel at the Amangani last night…we’re picking out post-engagement presents for them just in case they come in! Trying to play it cool…”

The Amangani is a luxury resort in Wyoming. There’s no confirmation yet so who knows. Maybe Jessica Biel finally convinced Justin to marry her by mercilessly beating him and asking, “Why are you hitting yourself? Why are you hitting yourself?”

Jessica Biel went to the Ed Sullivan Theater to promote New Year’s Eve on The Late Show with David Letterman in a white dress. Did I mention it was raining? Naturally some dildo with an umbrella ruined everything. This had the potential to be the classiest wet t-shirt contest ever. Thanks a lot, jerk.

No one really knows if Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are still together but it looks like they are because they were at her dinner for luxe leather brand Tod’s at the Chateau Marmont. PEOPLE says they engaged in some PDA, shared food and were “very sweet” together. Then Justin left to nail some whores in his secret sex dungeon.

I like The Enquirer and their made up stories. They’re entertaining at times. I wonder if they just sit around a boardroom coming up with insane but somewhat plausible gossip they can print? Because that sounds pretty fun. The latest rumor they started is that Jessica Biel, hoping to tie down Justin Timberlake, is going off birth control and getting pregnant.

One insider told The ENQUIRER: “Jessica is convinced that Justin is going to propose soon and they are destined to spend the rest of their lives together.

“She’s also telling her friends that she can’t wait to be pregnant.”

Still, Justin and Jessica don’t seem to be on the same page when it comes to having a baby, said another source.

“Justin is going along with it, but the feeling is that he’s just saying what he has to,” explained the source. — TNQ

Going along with it? Sure. I guess that’s why Justin spent the night of Sept. 14 at Scarlett Johansson’s house. Sleeping with other women is usually what I do when someone wants to have a baby with me. Because clearly my condoms are going to have pin pricks in them and cheating is the next best contraceptive.

Sort of. It’s a fake pregnancy for her film New Years Eve about several couples and singles in New York whose lives intertwine during New Year’s Eve. It’s like Crash for people with vaginas.

The film also stars Sarah Jessica Parker, Katherine Heigl, Ashton Kutcher, Robert De Niro, Carla Gugino, Sofia Vergara, Zac Efron, Lea Michele, Abigail Breslin, Josh Duhamel, Alyssa Milano, Hilary Swank, Michelle Pfeiffer, Hilary Swank, Halle Berry, Sienna Miller, Frankie Muniz, Julie Andrews, Ludacris, Ice Cube, John Stamos, Seth Meyers, Ryan Seacrest and the rest of Hollywood.

What the hell is this? Did someone drop a stack of flyers over Southern California promising gifting suites? Is this movie just a bunch of celebs crawling out of their homes like zombies mumbling “paaaaycheck, paaaaycheck.” Because that’s what it sounds like.

Gerard Butler can get any woman he wants. So that’s what he’s doing. Next up is apparently Jessica Biel. Us says Gerard gave Jessica a ride on his hog. I thought that was a euphemism for penis at first but Us killed the mood by clarifying it was his motorcycle. *Pulls pants back up*

Anyway, Jessica was seen on the back of his motorcycle riding up the Pacific Coast highway. “Biel kept her arms tight around her pal as they drove along the coast, winding up in Topanga Canyon.”

The two became friends while filming Playing the Field in Shreveport, Louisiana in March. Since Jessica Biel recently broke up with Justin Timberlake, she’s probably looking to rebound. But a rep for Butler insists, “They’re just friends!” But are they… “Friends With Benefits” coming out July 22? *Looks at ad rep, ad rep nods, gun is lowered from head*

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake just split up recently so it’s the perfect time for Gerard Butler to hit that. And he possibly has. The two are costarring in Playing the Field and have been spending a lot of time together.

According to US Weekly, they’ve spent not one, but four nights out together in Shreveport, Louisiana where they are currently filming.

Apparently Gerard made a beeline for Biel on March 15 when they were out for a crewmembers birthday party at Tokyo Japanese Restaurant & Bar, where the two certainly were batting eyelashes at one another.

Two nights later the pretty duo did margaritas at Superior’s Steakhouse, went out on March 19 to Stray Cat, and finished the weekend off with a group at a bar called Blind Tiger.

Don’t worry though, fake boyfriend of Jessica Biel. It’s nothing serious.

“Gerard says he wants to settle down eventually, but he won’t anytime soon, promise,” a friend close to the notorious bachelor tells us sassing, “and not with Jessica.”

Wow. Really? Sassing? Okay. I guess it’s easier than writing, “and not with Jessica,” said the friend snapping their fingers three times in the air in the shape of a Z and then doing a flamboyant head roll.

Granted, I don’t see why Gerard wouldn’t want to settle down with Jessica. She’s a fine thoroughbred. Look at those traps. I hear she can pull a plow for days.

Days after Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel announced their split, people with too much time on their hands began speculating that Mila Kunis was the cause of the break-up because she co-starred in the movie Friends with Benefits with him. Ah ha! If the title of their movie isn’t solid evidence of what they’re doing in real life, then I don’t know what is. Movies don’t lie. However, a source close to Justin says it isn’t true. Suuuure. “Source.”

“Mila had nothing to do with their break-up,” the source says. “In fact, no one came between them. They decided their relationship ran its course and it was time to move on.”

“They’re not in a relationship,” the source says. “They star in a movie called Friends with Benefits but they’re just friends. That’s it. They are not together.”

Is this source Justin’s mom? Because it sure sounds like it. All that’s needed is another quote that reads, “Now leave my baby alone! Justin is a nice boy.”

After three years of dating and what seemed like years of break-up rumors, a source and their reps tell PEOPLE that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have split.

According to the source, “there are no hard feelings. It was completely mutual and they both decided it was time to move on.”

Reps confirmed the split releasing this statement: “Addressing the media speculation regarding Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake’s relationship, we are confirming that they mutually have decided to part ways. The two remain friends and continue to hold the highest level of love and respect for each other.”

I knew that dork couldn’t handle Jessica Biel. I heard it didn’t work out because Justin couldn’t even be a power bottom since Jessica would just rape choke him during sex. Afterward, he’d just roll over and cry.

Jimmy Kimmel debuted his new workout system as part of his Hottie Body Hump Club and I can’t believe it took this long for me to find out about this. Kimmel brings out all the big hitters, Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Sofia Vargas, Emiliy Blunt and Kelly Ripa and tricks them into humping a ball. Apparently it’s a great workout system if you’re not forced to do it at gunpoint.

My favorite was Jessica Alba. Only because with her I wouldn’t be the only one crying during sex. Also, Jessica Biel scares me. If I ever had sex with her, I’d make sure there was a safe word.

Us Weekly reports that Justin Timberlake cheated on Jessica Biel with Olivia Munn. Yea, that Olivia Munn who panders to the disenfranchised. Timberlake and Munn met on Sep. 26 at a MySpace event. They exchanged numbers and Justin “started chasing her immediately.”

At first, Munn told him that she wouldn’t do anything since he was still with Jessica but that problem was easily taken care of by telling Olivia the lie she wanted to hear. That he and Jessica Biel were over. Turns out “the reality is he’s just doing it behind her back.” Suckkkkkaaaa! Of course, Justin’s reps deny this and Olivia’s rep has no comment.

Believing he had left Biel and that her relationship with Timberlake might develop into something serious, Munn took him to her hotel, the Gansevoort Park Avenue NYC, Sept. 27 and 28, where “they were openly affectionate,” the insider adds.

The insider tells Us the two “had amazing sex” that night.

HollywoodLife adds,

Sources say the pair were openly affectionate on Sep. 27 while sitting at a back table at Avenue nightclub. “At one point, Olivia did a seductive little dance with Justin,” one said. “Then, while he was dancing, she came up behind him and he held her hand behind his back.”

I’m a little curious as to how easily Jessica Biel would break Olivia Munn. A catfight between those two would last all of two minutes. One minute to chase Munn down like the T1000, 30 seconds to knock her out and another 30 seconds to flee the scene.