A pregnant Jessica Simpson attended a bachelorette party over the weekend and because she’s Jessica Simpson, tweeted a photo of her wearing a gigantic, fleshy penis mask complete with eyes, nose and mouth. Maybe to cover that bump on her right eye.

Also, I have some serious concerns about the ball to dick ratio. That penis must be on roids.

Update: According to the comments, it might be her friend Cacee. Which doesn’t help get rid of that huge penis face off my screen.

Remember how I said Jessica Simpson’s kid was going to be worthless? That’s still true for the most part but what that kid couldn’t give Jessica in magazine covers, it’ll give her in $3 million worth of excess fat which she’ll now struggle to lose.

According to Page Six, Weight Watchers, tired of looking at fat Jessica like the rest of us, has promised to pay Jessica $3 million to lose the baby weight. “The deal is in place, and after having her baby, she’ll start with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.”

Finally. Jessica might eventually get back down to her awesome skinny days. Too bad it had to take a hefty (giggle) sum to convince her.

Bad news for celebrities looking to sell their baby photos. The golden age of using your kid to turn a profit is over. Jessica Simpson, for example, is going to have a hard time selling her pictures. Experts predict she won’t even get above six figures for her baby photos. Contrast that to Nicole Richie in 2008 who banked $1 million from her stupid kid.

“Jessica isn’t as relevant as she used to be,” said “Cult of Celebrity” author Cooper Lawrence. “She’s making shoes now. Her baby daddy [fiancé Eric Johnson] isn’t famous enough for anyone who doesn’t know her personally to care, and the trend of celebrity baby photos is done for the consumer as well. Let us know if when the kid is 10 it has its first kiss with Mason Kardashian. Then we’ll talk.” Huffington Post

I’m pretty sure you could pay Jessica Simpson in donuts and pies and she’d be just as happy. Just don’t tell her how many donuts and pies she could get if you paid her real money. First rule of negotiations, know your subjects and their propensity for being a fatty.

Jessica Simpson went out with her sister and her nephew Bronx in New York the other day and, good lord, her breasts are huge from the pregnancy. Honestly, I can’t even tell if she’s pregnant still. My eyes sort of stop at her chest.

The previous Jessica Simpson post didn’t quite highlight the extent of her pregnancy. Here she is walking around New York again pregnant as can be. If Beyonce saw this, she’d be so jealous. “Why can’t you make my bump look like this and why does my bump have to fold in on itself?!,” she’d yell at her fake baby bump designer.

Is everyone pregnant these days? Here’s Jessica Simpson lugging her fetus around NYC yesterday. She’s so big now. She looks like a linebacker. She should try out for the Colts. They need all the help they can get.

Jessica Simpson may have let slip the sex of her baby during an interview with Us Weekly. She talked to the magazine about how she was going to deliver her baby in 4-inch YSL heels. Later, referring to herself dressed as a mummy on Halloween to announce her pregnancy, Jessica said, “My kid’s going to think I’m pretty cool! This is a cool thing to welcome him to the world with.” Or an embarrassing dork.

Us Weekly has since changed the wording, replacing “him” with “my baby.” So now no one knows whether it was a typo or Jessica asked them to change it. But let’s assume it wasn’t a typo and that the baby is going to be a boy and half-black. Only because I’d think that’d be pretty cool. Maybe not for her fiance Eric, but, you know, in general.

Jessica Simpson tells PEOPLE that pregnancy was meant for her. Om nom nom nom. She continues, “I love being pregnant. I have such an incredible connection with myself and with my body that I’ve never had before.” *Opens mouth, pretends to shovel food inside.* Om nom nom nom.

Simpson adds, “Just knowing that you’re creating a life is such a spiritual thing. Everything is growing, but you’re making a life. It’s pretty cool.” And you also get to “eat for two.” Om nom nom nom.

“People always say that pregnant women have a glow,” she says. “And I say it’s because you’re sweating to death. I think they just tell pregnant women they’re glowing to make them feel good about themselves, because everything makes them a little bit emotional.”

And there goes any idealized notions you had about pregnancies. Women don’t glow, they just sweat a lot on account of all that fat pressing against their struggling hearts. Also, she made her fiance Eric Johnson her b*tch. “When I’m tired, I make Eric rub me,” she says. “Eric is very, very supportive. We’re both extremely excited. He’s been to every doctor’s appointment with me. We just love it. We can’t believe we get to do this, and we get to do it together. We’re going to be a rock star family!”

“Rub my toes while I polish off this bucket of chicken and Costco tub of ice cream. Om nom nom nom.”

OMGFacts tweeted, “The average person expels flatulence 15 times each day.” Jessica Simpson, the most seductive being on the planet, responded with, “The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!”

Simply put, Jessica Simpson farts 225 times a day. I don’t know if that’s attributed to her pregnancy but chasing an entire rack of ribs with a California burrito every day certainly doesn’t help.

Her boyfriend must be in heaven. Eric: “What’s that smell, baby?” Jessica: “Love. With a hint of BBQ sauce.”

Moments ago, Jessica Simpson confirmed the pregnancy everyone knew about.

It’s True! I am going to be a mummy!

By the way, she made a pun out of the announcement, dressing like a mummy, hence, “I am going to be a mummy.” If I had my tomatoes, I’d throw them at her. She’d probably unhinge her jaw to try to eat them too.

Jessica Simpson captioned this photo of her with “Short girl problems.”

• Rihanna blew $1,500 in 5 minutes at a Paris sex shop. Left “grinning ear to ear.” Those French are kinky. [Bossip]
• Bruce Willis isn’t too concerned about Demi Moore’s love life because he just knocked up his wife. [The Superficial]
• Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield went on a movie date. [Lainey]
• Christina Hendricks looks pretty good in Men’s Health. [Holy Moly]
• Robert Pattinson tried to get a six pack because he was jealous of Taylor Lautner. [Celebitchy]
• Beyonce’s pregnancy top has explosive properties. [Hollywood Rag]
• Chaz Bono’s time has run out. He was booted from DWTS. [Yeeeah]
• Jacinta Rokich goes topless in FHM. [GCeleb]
• Jennifer Love Hewitt found a way to make her ass work for her. [Evil Beet]
• Jimena Sanchez is a Raiders superfan. [Busted Coverage]
• One good thing you can say about Katherine Heigl is she doesn’t look as ridiculous today. [MoeJackson]
• Stand-up comic Patrice O’Neal suffered a stroke last week. [TDW]

Everyone pretty much knows Jessica Simpson is pregnant and it’s becoming impossible to hide so why try. Here she is shopping in New York City not covering up with flowy clothes.

Not only that, but what better way to take the wind out of your ex’s sails than to overshadow their pregnancy announcement? “Like Highlander, there can only be one. Hi-ya!,” says Jessica as she kicks Tony Romo’s wife down the stairs.

Let’s not kid ourselves any longer. Jessica Simpson is pregnant. She still has yet to negotiate a deal with a weekly to put her baby bump on the cover but we don’t really need that for a confirmation as she took her bump for a stroll through LAX on Sunday. Now when people ask her how far along she is, she won’t silently weep into her bottomless froyo, her self-esteem whittling away to nothing.