Sources tell WWD that PEOPLE shelled out $800,000 for exclusive photos of Jessica Simpson’s baby. A paltry sum compared to past celebrity babies such as Matthew McConaughey who got $3 million from OK!, Jennifer Lopez who got $6 million for her twins from PEOPLE and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who got $11 million for theirs.

It just goes to show. The worth of a celebrity baby is inversely proportional to how much cake said celebrity eats. Someone should explain this to Jessica in a way she can understand. Maybe through the use of a pie chart. Cause, you know, Jessica likes pie. Ok, I’ll show myself out.

In real life, people have to pay other people like personal trainers to force them into shape. In the celebrity world, organizations pay people like Jessica Simpson $4 million ($3 million if you listen to ABC News) to stop being so fat.

On one hand, it’s sort of unfair. On the other hand, no one wants to keep looking at a fat Jessica Simpson.

“She’ll have to meet the weight-loss goals for the deal to go through,” says the source. And for that, she’ll need to get serious with a celebrity trainer. “She hasn’t cho­sen a trainer yet,” the source adds. “In fact, she hasn’t even thought about working out for a year. [ed note: obviously] But if she wants this, she’ll need to work out a good five days a week.”

Before things spiral out of control, someone should tell Jessica that Weight Watchers doesn’t mean you just stand on a scale and watch your weight go up as you tear into a drumstick.

After a two year pregnancy, Jessica Simpson finally pushed out that parasite that’s been feeding off her body. It came out in the form of a screaming 9 pound 13 ounce baby girl named Maxwell Drew Johnson. A pretty lame name. I was hoping she’d name her Macmallan Single Malt Johnson. Alas, it was not to be. Jessica and Eric used Drew because it’s Jessica’s mother’s maiden name.

Jessica wrote on her website, “We are so grateful for all of the love, support and prayers we have received. This has been the greatest experience of our lives.”

Jessica Simpson, who’s due in 4 weeks, waddled onto Jimmy Kimmel last night to talk about the immense pressure being placed on her vag and how it’s going to be worse than the Thailand floods when her water breaks.

“I feel like I have a bowling ball sitting on my hoo-ha…. Apparently I have a lot of amniotic fluid, so whenever my water breaks it will be like a fire hydrant!”

If it’s going to be like a fire hydrant, maybe Jessica can use that power stream to jetpack over to the hospital herself because Eric Johnson will be too busy weeping in a pair of galoshes wondering how to mop all that baby juice up.

According to In Touch Weekly, Jessica Simpson and Eric Johnson will name their soon-to-be born 15 pound baby girl Maxwell or Maxi for short. Cue endless teasing of “Maxipad.” I suppose it’s better than Zinfandel which is what they were originally going to go with.

“They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything,” a family friend confides.

Now, the pair has come to an understanding, and In Touch — which was first to break the news both of Jessica’s pregnancy and of the baby’s sex — can exclusively reveal the unusual (for a girl) moniker. “They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”

And not only has Jessica’s been seen wearing a necklace with a diamond “M” pendant in honor of her little bundle of joy, the couple also already ordered onesies monogrammed with the name! Jessica, 31, is now set to give birth on April 20, three weeks earlier than her original due date. “She’s gained so much weight and the baby is so big that doctors pushed up the date,” reveals her friend. And while the thought of giving birth freaks her out, “Jessica and Eric are so eager to meet Maxwell!” In Touch Weekly

Someone should tell these two not to drink while choosing baby names. Granted, at least Jessica wasn’t picking names when she was hungry. She was about an hour away from naming her kid “McRib”.

Jessica Simpson’s baby can’t come soon enough. Hopefully she’ll stop revealing all these disturbing personal details no one wants to know when it does. I can’t put my fingers in my ears and go “lalalala” forever ya know?

On Ryan Seacrest’s show, Jessica opened up about how unstoppable her sex drive is now that there’s a living being inside her. She says orgasms have never felt more powerful.

“I am definitely ‘feeling intimate,”” said the sassy Texan said — and how! “I’m kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever!” Us Weekly

Hate to break it to Jessica, but that intense shaking she feels throughout her body isn’t an orgasm. It’s that kid in her recoiling in horror and pounding the walls of her uterus in sheer terror as it tries to avoid the penis stabbing at it.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson poses nude for the April issue of Elle. Sort of like Demi Moore, Britney Spears and Cindy Crawford did way back when. It’s one of the staples of magazines who’ve run out of ideas.

Along with the pregnant spread is an interview where Jessica tells Elle that she hopes her kid grows up to be a fashion snob. “I swear, I will croak if she asks me for a pair of Nikes instead of Christian Louboutins!”

She’s also worried her daughter will be too into sports. “Eric is so athletic. We’re gonna have this athletic girl and I won’t even be able to take her shopping.” Because she’ll be too busy scratching her crotch and yelling at the Pats, right?

Jessica also knew right away she was pregnant. “We were goin’ to have an all-day drinking binge,” Simpson says, not shy about saying so. “Gonna ride our bikes, hang out…do naughty things. But I started feeling this overwhelming guilt. Why would I feel guilt at the idea of going out and having cocktails with my friends?”

Sure, it could have been that but I think it’s more likely the guilt came from looking in the mirror and seeing how fat she was getting and thinking, “I should really hit the gym.”

According to Star Magazine (hey, stop laughing), Jessica Simpson and fiance Eric Johnson wanted to hit up a local Mexican hotspot in Santa Barbara called La Super-Rica Taqueria. The problem was because of all the hype, the line for the place is always around the block. But Jessica was too hungry and needed food in her mouth right then so she tried to go straight to the front hoping everyone would feel sorry for her fat, pregnant self and let her cut. Guess how that went?

“Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her,” explains the source. “It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line.”

But she didn’t want to wait. Instead, Jessica decided to fill her rumbling belly with some fast food.

“After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner.” Radar Online

Oh celebrities and their sense of entitlement always make for a good story. It’s even better when they’re forced to waddle on over the the Taco Bell next door to shovel second-rate tacos down their throats while pitifully staring at the delicious Mexican place across the street.

A pregnant Jessica Simpson attended a bachelorette party over the weekend and because she’s Jessica Simpson, tweeted a photo of her wearing a gigantic, fleshy penis mask complete with eyes, nose and mouth. Maybe to cover that bump on her right eye.

Also, I have some serious concerns about the ball to dick ratio. That penis must be on roids.

Update: According to the comments, it might be her friend Cacee. Which doesn’t help get rid of that huge penis face off my screen.

Remember how I said Jessica Simpson’s kid was going to be worthless? That’s still true for the most part but what that kid couldn’t give Jessica in magazine covers, it’ll give her in $3 million worth of excess fat which she’ll now struggle to lose.

According to Page Six, Weight Watchers, tired of looking at fat Jessica like the rest of us, has promised to pay Jessica $3 million to lose the baby weight. “The deal is in place, and after having her baby, she’ll start with Weight Watchers to lose her baby weight.”

Finally. Jessica might eventually get back down to her awesome skinny days. Too bad it had to take a hefty (giggle) sum to convince her.

Bad news for celebrities looking to sell their baby photos. The golden age of using your kid to turn a profit is over. Jessica Simpson, for example, is going to have a hard time selling her pictures. Experts predict she won’t even get above six figures for her baby photos. Contrast that to Nicole Richie in 2008 who banked $1 million from her stupid kid.

“Jessica isn’t as relevant as she used to be,” said “Cult of Celebrity” author Cooper Lawrence. “She’s making shoes now. Her baby daddy [fiancé Eric Johnson] isn’t famous enough for anyone who doesn’t know her personally to care, and the trend of celebrity baby photos is done for the consumer as well. Let us know if when the kid is 10 it has its first kiss with Mason Kardashian. Then we’ll talk.” Huffington Post

I’m pretty sure you could pay Jessica Simpson in donuts and pies and she’d be just as happy. Just don’t tell her how many donuts and pies she could get if you paid her real money. First rule of negotiations, know your subjects and their propensity for being a fatty.

Jessica Simpson went out with her sister and her nephew Bronx in New York the other day and, good lord, her breasts are huge from the pregnancy. Honestly, I can’t even tell if she’s pregnant still. My eyes sort of stop at her chest.

The previous Jessica Simpson post didn’t quite highlight the extent of her pregnancy. Here she is walking around New York again pregnant as can be. If Beyonce saw this, she’d be so jealous. “Why can’t you make my bump look like this and why does my bump have to fold in on itself?!,” she’d yell at her fake baby bump designer.