Lindsay Lohan found out Jesus Luz was hosting at a club last week and wanted to meet up but Madonna yanked the choke collar around Jesus’ neck and nixed the idea.

“Lindsay got her people to phone the club to try and hang out with him. She knew he was hosting a night there with Alicia Keys and her boyfriend Swiss Beatz.

“But when Madge’s people got wind of it they put a block on it. Jesus wasn’t one to argue, he didn’t want to upset Madonna and was just there to work. LiLo had to make do with a night in her hotel.”

You can imagine how Madonna reacted when she heard Lindsay wanted to “hang out” with her boyfriend. As she sat in her fortress stroking her white cat, she thought about the request for a minute and shrieked, “Mmmmmm… DENIED!” before letting out a loud cackle and disappearing with a puff of smoke. In my mind, Madonna is a cross between a James Bond villain and a witch.

Either Madonna is trying to prove she and Jesus Luz are still together by sticking her tongue down his throat in a Rio de Janeiro club last night or she’s sucking his soul before he gets a chance to escape. It’s hard to tell which. Check out the terrifying photos at The Superficial.

The Chicago Sun-Times earlier reported that Jesus Luz had ditched Madonna because the age difference was far too great. He a young man, Madonna an old witch surviving on crushed baby bones. Today Gatecrasher says that isn’t true and that Madonna still has her icy fingers of death wrapped around Jesus.

“They were all over each other and were even kissing in front of everyone,” a spy on the other side of the pond dishes of the duo, who snuck into the famed Harry’s Bar around 11 p.m. “They looked like they were still very much an item,” although the snitch added that while Jesus snuck out right before the party ended, Madonna stayed until the venue closed.

Ugh. That must be gross. If Madonna tried to kiss me, I’d recoil back in fear like someone was forcing me to kiss a frog. And not a frog that would turn into a beautiful princess, but one found in sewage that had already been licked.

The Chicago Sun-Times says Jesus Luz dumped Madonna after realizing the 100 year age difference between them precluded them from having the same interests. Madonna liked knitting, reminiscing about the days before WWI and recoiling in fear whenever the magic picture box turned on and Jesus Luz liked Hannah Montanna and Bratz dolls. It’s said the split was amicable meaning Madonna’s icy, bony fingers weren’t fast enough to grab on to Jesus as he made his escape from the shackles that bound him. Not metaphorical shackles either. Real shackles. Like the ones they have in dungeons. Jesus probably built up a tolerance to all those sedatives Madonna was feeding him.

I couldn’t think up of a better title because I was beyond disturbed when I saw these photos. There was actually an intense debate taking place in my head over whether or not to post these. But I figured, if I suffer, you must all suffer.

I mean, a Brazilian’s penis and Madonna’s haggard face isn’t something I wanted to wake up to in the morning, but here these things are, in all their glory. I had to put ice down my pants because this was so hot. It’s like two of my most favorite things in life have come together into one awesome picture. Only if a Mickey Rourke/Shauna Sand sex tape were released could this day get any better. Knowing this, if you need me, I’ll be in the shower trying to wash myself clean with a metal scrubber.

The photo is supposedly an outtake from when Madonna and Jesus Luz did their W Magazine shoot and clearly shows why Photoshop was invented. Very NSFW gallery starts here. So fake or real? Also, can you stare at this for more than 10 seconds without feeling a wave of terror pass over you?

At 51-years-old, crypt keeper Madonna is considering having another child with her 22-year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz. Jesus says this will be “his greatest adventure.” Sort of like nailing a dead body in the morgue is an adventure. A friend of Madonna says the singer knows it will be hard at her age to get pregnant, but that she is “Olympic-athlete fit” and is “ready for the challenge.” Apparently at her age, getting pregnant is akin to competing in a triathlon.

This is an affront to nature. Madonna’s eggs are most likely 98% depleted and the ones that remain are stuffed in the back of her ovaries somewhere hidden by thousands of cobwebs. It would be like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom in there. Jesus’ sperm would probably have to clear a bunch of booby traps and a pit of snakes just to make it through.

Madonna may be getting serious with her boytoy Jesus Luz, 23. Rumor is he wants to marry to be taken seriously. That or he wants a big paycheck. Either works for him probably. The surprising part is Madonna is open to it. But before this marriage talk progresses any further, she has to meet Jesus’ parents which is reportedly becoming quite nerve wracking.

It should be if you think about it. Madonna and Jesus’ parents have nothing in common. She’ll reminisce about World War II while Jesus’ parents reminisce about the 80′s. Eventually the conversation will end up at how Jesus was still in diapers when Madonna first got her AARP card which I find tends to kill a conversation fairly quickly.

Young people are so easy to trick. All you need for them to bend to your will is to have something they want like power and fame or candy. Madonna has the former so it was only a matter of time before she was able to trick her new boyfriend Jesus Luz into a fake marriage and convert into Judaism. Luis Heitor Pinto da Luz, Jesus’ father, told Quem magazine:

“The kabbalah ceremony [in New York that] will link up my son Jesus Luz and Madonna only confirms that he is extremely happy.”

“I don’t know if there will, in fact, be a real marriage between Madonna and my son. It will be a type of ritual, but I do not know kabbalah [or if the ceremony] will have legal validity,” says Luis, who doesn’t seem upset that his evangelically raised son, a model, is converting to the branch of Judaism.

Sounds about right. Madonna’s adoption fell through so she needs to find some other child to suck the soul from. It’s how Madonna maintains her youthful appearance. If she doesn’t do this, she’ll look like a gnarled oak tree. More so than she does now.

Oh, the shame. The shame.

It’s no secret that Madonna created the Brazilian Jesus Luz’s career and all Jesus had to do was sell his soul and have sex with Madonna to become one of the most sought after models. His peers on the other hand, aren’t too thrilled. At the Jeffrey Fashion Cares event last week,

“None of the other models would talk to Jesus or even look at him. They were gossiping like catty girls about how they couldn’t wait for his career to fizzle out.”

But the gorgeous Brazilian had the last laugh: He walked first and kicked off the show. While hordes of guests may have come hoping for a glimpse of the Material Girl, it doesn’t bother her arm candy.

“Jesus had no career until Madonna arrived, and even if people are coming to see him because of her, he’s still going to take it,” says a snitch.

I’d be pretty pissed too if all some guy had to do was seduce Madonna to get where I am. I didn’t slave away in Wookie costumes at comic book conventions to become the supermodel playboy billionaire I am today only to be surpassed in mere months by some dude who rubbed Madonna’s vadge long enough for a genie to pop out and grant him three wishes.

Madonna and Jesus Luz are done. She finally realized her gnarled body was too old for him after she heard about the romantic weekend he spent with a lingerie model. That and Jesus may have ruined her chances to adopt another baby.

“She was drawn to Jesus. But it was just a bit of fun and she’s enjoyed herself. But she is growing bored of the relationship and her family comes first. He would ruin her chances of adopting again. And the pictures of him with Luciana made her realise that he’ll be better suited to somebody his own age.”

Not sure why Madonna would have too much trouble adopting with Jesus. All the agency has to do is look at the number of zeros in Madonna’s bank account and then look at the mud pie the adopted kid eats every morning and the fist sized mosquitoes that chase him around every night. It shouldn’t be too hard to figure out what’s best for him.

Madonna’s gonna beat a ho when she finds out her new boyfriend/model, Jesus Luz, has been out grinding with lingerie models behind her back. The Sun says Luciana Costa and Jesus partied together in Rio on Saturday. Onlookers say the two started kissing.

“Jesus was the hit of the party and all the girls went wild for him when he arrived.

“But Luciana was more interested than most and soon got hold of him for a dance.”

Another added: “They danced together very close lots of times. He whispered things in her ear, grabbed her hand, put his hand around her waist.

“He’d had a little to drink and it seemed clear he was after something.”

Luciana Costa better watch her back. Madonna’s arms look like gnarled branches. She’s so ripped that 90% of MMA fighters don’t even want a piece of her. Have you ever seen a vagina break someone’s arm? Well, just wait until Madonna meets up with this chick and you will.

The sinewy monster that calls herself Madonna may have found a new soul to eat. One that’s even younger than A-Rod. Page Six reports that the gap toothed siren is enjoying herself down in Brazil on her Sticky & Sweet tour. Rumors say Madonna did a photo shoot with a “smoking hot” male model by the name of Jesus Luz. She was so impressed with the guy that she invited him to join her tour in Sao Paolo. A source divulges: “He’s there with her now and [photographer] Steven Klein is helping him get along with everyone.” Page Six continues:

According to the Brazilian Web site, “Everyone knows they are ficando – which is a Portuguese expression that means they are kissing and doing other things but without any obligation of being faithful or getting into a relationship afterwards.”

Madonna’s beleaguered publicist, Liz Rosenberg, denied a report that her tight-fisted client had bought 20 watches (one for each member of her crew) so “they will always arrive on time.” She added, “But I’m still waiting to hear about Jesus.”

There should be no reason why anyone would willingly subject themselves to the advances of Madonna. Unless that person is trying to claw their way out of poverty. Therefore, I take it that Jesus Luz’s only two options are to either screw Madonna in her mansion or go back to his shack and screw a fat, old, hairy dude on camera. Given those two scenarios, I’d go with Madonna as well since there’s less chance of your friends finding a video on the internet.

For those of you interested, here’s a bigger version of that photo of Madonna. She really hides her penis well.