I had no idea these two were still relevant but eyeliner enthusiast Joel Madden and former Paris Hilton bff, Nicole Richie, were married at Lionel Richie’s house on Saturday. Attending the nuptials were 130 close family and friends and a trained elephant. Huh? Is that a euphemism for Jessica Simpson? Because that’s mean.

But one attendee stood way out: a trained elephant was spotted being led into the Los Angeles estate of Richie’s father, music superstar Lionel Richie, where two tents were set up for the ceremony on a warm evening.

Otherwise, the couple appeared to be sticking to tradition. Richie wore a wedding dress by Marchesa, and their rings were by jeweler Neil Lane, who also crafted Richie’s 4-carat engagement ring, sources tell PEOPLE.

These two have how many kids together? You’d think after one there’d be a government sanctioned black ops mission to sew their reproductive organs shut to save the world from any more sleeveless, flat brimmed cap, guyliner wearing offspring.

I thought these two clowns were already married, but they weren’t. But now they will be. Joel tweeted yesterday, “Yep. i’m engaged. Very happy. Yeah we’ve been engaged for a while so your all kind of late on that. But Thanks for the hooplah all the same.” Nicole Richie announced it on David Letterman on Monday as well.

You’d think this would have happened sooner. They already popped out two kids together. Their level of desirability reached that of a half-finished, curdled gallon of milk when that happened.

Nicole Richie, her girlfriend Joel Madden, and her boyfriend Samantha Ronson enjoyed a night out in the town at Playhouse Hollywood last Friday. According to Fox411, Nicole and Samantha’s playful night of dancing and drinking has left Lindsay Lohan none too pleased.

“When Lindsay found out that Sam was out with Nicole, she was not happy!” an insider tells Fox411, explaining that Lindsay and Nicole, once best friends, have grown apart in recent years. “Since Lindsay’s return to court last week, she has to be extra careful for probation, and [hearing about] Sam out with Nicole hurt her.”

Bravo to Lindsay for being sober long enough to comprehend her jealousy, but I wouldn’t worry about Nicole being around Samantha. By the looks of Joel, it’s obvious Nicole is into the ladies. And by the looks of Samantha, its obvious she could take T.R. Knight down in a sword fight. And by sword, I mean penis.  And by fight, I mean sex.

Nicole Richie took to PEOPLE to show off her latest experiment in parenting, Sparrow James Midnight Madden. She says she couldn’t be happier and that blah blah blah. Who cares. What you really want to see is how a kid produced by Nicole Richie and Joel Madden turned out. The answer: kind of creepy. It looks like he’s planning something sinister. This baby is not to be trusted. Behind the drool and baby throw-up lies an evil mastermind. You can already see him tenting his fingers and muttering, “Egggcellent,” under his breath.

Sources have revealed to RadarOnline that Nicole Richie and her Good Charlotte boyfriend, Joel, may have secretly tied the knot on Wednesday. The sources shared Nicole has been “talking more seriously about marriage since the tragic death of her long term boyfriend, Adam Goldstein”. In other words, guess there’s no chance of getting back with her more talented boyfriend, so why not Joel? Nicole’s reps have not responded to these claims because they forgot she was their client since she’s so incredibly boring.

Once upon a time, there existed a Nicole that would’ve gotten a DUI followed by her marrying someone of lesser fame after a month long courtship.  The old Nicole would’ve done this all while being considered the fat and ugly girl next to her more famous, ultra slutty, less fat best friend. If only there were a woman like that today to keep us entertained. Khloe Kardashian almost fits the criteria except she’s not a woman.

As alluded to earlier, Nicole Richie gave birth in the early hours of September 9 to a new baby boy. The healthy 7lbs. 14oz. was bestowed the name Sparrow James Midnight Madden. Sparrow? Midnight? What the hell is this? That kid’s name is 50% dumb, 25% douchey. You could have gone to Ethiopia and asked one of the locals to name him and the popping and clicking sounds you had to make with your tongue to pronounce it would be less ridiculous than this.

I’ve only heard about this in story books. I didn’t think a hot model bookended by two d-bags was a real phenomenon.

If you can get past the disco skull on Good Charlotte’s Geocities themed website, you’ll find out that Nicole Richie is pregnant again. On Feb. 21, Joel Madden wrote:

What’s better than winning an Oscar? I am so happy to tell everyone that Harlow is going to be a big sister! God has truly blessed my family. Hope your all feeling as good as i am right now………

First of all, no. An Oscar is still better. Second of all, I thought these two weren’t allowed to breed anymore. Between Nicole Richie’s headband obsession and Joel Madden being a douchebag, these two seem like the worst parents ever. There are no possible life skills they can teach their kids except listen to shitty music, weigh 90lbs throughout most of your adult life and there’s no such thing as too much eyeliner. Their kids would have a better chance at life if you threw them in an active volcano.

Star Magazine reports that Nicole Richie has walked out on Joel twice already. The latest was when she fled to Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week with her daughter after fighting over whatever it is D-listers fight about. Probably over who gets the last gift bag. Joel followed her to kiss and makeup, but it didn’t work and he left for LA the next day where he partied and danced with Mischa Barton. As luck would have it, Paris Hilton was there to take a picture of them and text it to Nicole. Now Nicole and Joel sleep in separate rooms.

Good. The harder it is for them to procreate the better. They should also stuff each other in a barrell and fill it with concrete. I’m not sure how that will help their marriage, but let’s just go with it for now.

Rich, semi-famous people like Mary-Kate Olsen, Nicole Richie and Joel Madden have a lot of time on their hands. When they’re not laughing at the homeless, they’re throwing whacked out parties like this. These parties usually have themes that are a throwback to a phase they grew out of from their childhood. For example, gangster rap/the urban lifestyle, flannel and minorities. Here is one of those parties. The theme was flannel, but the outcome was all retardation.

[Images via ONTD]

Every time a celebrity gives birth there are always a hundred articles about how they managed to slim down. Usually they say something innocuous like, “I work out,” while very few others say they get lipo and take a lot of laxatives, “I mean, like, A LOT.” Even fewer admit to doing absolutely nothing to trim that pregnancy weight. Nicole Richie falls into that category.

A lot of people were wondering how Nicole slimmed down so fast after her birth. Apparently it wasn’t from the copious amounts of alcohol she consumed to induce vomiting whatever food she ate an hour before, it’s from a “waist clinching undergarment” called Spanx. OK! Magazine has the fascinating scoop.

“She sometimes wears two pairs at a time,” a pal of Nicole reveals to OK!. And while the new mom is keeping this secret from the public, her fiancé Joel Madden, 28, is all too familiar with them. “He’ll help her find them in her closet if they’re running late,” says the friend. “But he thinks she looks great just the way she is.”

You may assume otherwise, but I really couldn’t care less how or why Nicole Richie seemed to have lost so much weight so fast. I just wanted to use this article to highlight the fact that Nicole is a lazy bitch. Get your ass in a gym fatty.

To further point out her unwillingness to do any type of hard labor, here’s an article from Page Six saying how her and Joel Madden have been going out every night to party.

During the Grammys weekend, the couple went to several parties each night for hours. Last weekend, Richie and Madden once again left their tot at home to spend some quality time with Joel’s brother Benji and Lindsay Lohan at Teddy’s in the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel. They didn’t rush home until the end of the evening – “It’s almost as if they aren’t parents,” said a spy.

Of course they aren’t parents. Parents parent. Nicole and Joel go out, get wasted and stumble home plastered. That’s called “alternative daycare” or “why your kid hates you.”

Joel Madden has already begun musically educating his unborn child in hopes that it will some day be just like daddy. Douchey. Joel says he’s been playing it new stuff, old stuff, classical stuff and movie soundtracks. Meanwhile, brother Benji is psyched to become an uncle.

“I’m going to teach [the baby] about life,” he said. And sports. “I could coach the tee-ball team! Or teach them in soccer, whatever they want to do,” he said.

What if the baby comes and all it wants to do is punch the Madden brothers in the balls? That’s the first thing that would pop into my mind after I open my eyes and realize I was created from the fusion of Nicole’s egg and Joel’s sperm. I don’t think these two imbeciles could raise a chia pet much less a living being. I’m 98% sure the first thing Nicole says when the baby is born is, “Ew. Why is it so fat?,” and then she’ll stick her finger down its throat.

In an exclusive interview with Diane Sawyer set to air Thursday, Nicole Richie confirmed she is four months pregnant with Joel Madden’s baby. She also talked about her guilty plea.

“I have a responsibility and it’s something that I did wrong, and if I could personally apologize to every single person who has lost a loved one from drunk driving, I would. Unfortunately, I can’t, but this is my way of paying my dues and taking responsibility and being an adult.”

Four days in jail. I started getting a little upset, but realized she’s having that douchebag’s baby. That should be punishment enough. The only thing worse than having Joel Madden’s baby is being Joel Madden or finding out that your dog ate your face while you were sleeping and the only thing the doctors can do is give you Joel Madden’s face. Yea, that’s pretty sucky too.