Two people no one cares about may be dating but you wouldn’t know by the looks of it. Page Six says John Mayer is boinking Renee Zelwegger but was on a double date in Brooklyn over the weekend with an unidentified woman.

The singer hit Pub One’s newly opened garden in DUMBO Sunday night with an unidentified woman and another couple. The foursome enjoyed beers, margaritas and burgers, according to a spy, and stayed for a leisurely meal. Mayer came complete with a Brooklyn look, “dressed casually in a plaid parka,” we’re told. Reports have said he’s discreetly dating Renée Zellweger but the relationship isn’t serious.

Yawn. Unicorns could ride out of rainbows that shot out of John Mayer and Renee Zellweger’s assess while they have sex and still no one would care about these two.

A report from Star claims that John Mayer is nailing 90210′s Shenae Grimes, 21. Another sacrificial lamb to the alter of John Mayer’s penis?

“Shanae is telling friend that she’s having a secret fling with John,” an insider reveals. “They’ve hooked up a few times and talk and text, but John wants to keep it low profile for once.”

Not quite. Shenae went on Twitter to quickly deny the rumors.

According to Star magazine John Mayer and I are in secret sexy cahoots. How wonderful for me. If wonderful meant embarassing. X

If John wasn’t so busy admiring his own reflection and making kissy faces to himself in the mirror, he’d issue a cleverly thesaurusized response to this insult post-haste.

Wonder how John Mayer reportedly sleeps with so many chicks? With lines like this. Mayer was out with College Humor’s Ricky Van Veen at Wicker Park when a woman came up to him.

Halfway through their conversation, John laid it on pretty smooth. He told her he could see in her future and that “she was going to make someone very happy one day, as long as she remembered to talk dirty while having sex.”

The girl walked away speechless. Presumably to head home so she could vigorously masturbate.

Kim Kardashian is in New York shooting her new series so instead of filming her take her ass on walks up and down Broadway, they need drama to fill out the show. That’s where John Mayer comes in. Page Six says Kim and John went on a sort of date. According to a source, “They brought along other friends, but the idea was to see if they would hit it off.” Sounds ambiguous enough to be true.

Back in December, Page Six reported John was chatting up Kim in the Sirius XM lobby. John got all huffy and wrote, “”I see @kimkardashian at Sirius/XM and say hello like a gentleman and you want to spin a story at my expense? [Bleep] you!”

Hooking up with Kim will be way better than when he hooked up with Taylor Swift. Mainly because Kim won’t write a whiny song about him. But if she did, we’d just ignore the lyrics and laugh at her for trying to start a music career. John, you sneaky devil, you.

Taylor Swift’s new album might as well be a musical black book because every song is either about some guy she dumped or a guy who dumped her. First there was a song apologizing to Taylor Lautner and now there’s a song called Dear John pretty much confirming John Mayer hit it and quit it in 2009 when they collaborated on a track from John’s last album, Half of My Heart. Taylor squinted into the mic and sang:

“Dear John
I see it all now that you’re gone
Don’t you think I was too young
To be messed with
The girl in the dress
Cried the whole way home
I should’ve known.

It was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played
By your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so.

My mother accused me of losing my mind
But I swore I was fine
You’ll add my name to your long list of traitors
Who don’t understand
And I’ll look back in regret
I ignored what they said ‘Run as fast as you can.”

2009 was last year, right? I just wanted to make sure we didn’t time travel to 1999, a time when people didn’t know John Mayer was a douchebag. This was her own damn fault. John probably strummed his guitar for her and Taylor got all giggly and then they did it and then the next time they met, Taylor went in for the hug and John went in for the handshake and then she ran home crying. Aw dammit, I think I just wrote her next single.

Let us lower our heads in a moment of silence for John Mayer quitting Twitter. Alright, that’s enough. Now let’s party!

John deleted his Twitter account the other day abandoning his 3.7 million followers. His last tweets were on September 11 about the ninth anniversary of 9/11 and the Koran burning minister. He had also tweeted a black and white picture of himself with the caption, “Self Portrait of The Artist Three Days Before His Metaphoric Retirement.” Douchebag.

His spokesman said he stopped ranting in 140 characters because his Battle Studies Tour is “now at a close and a return to the studio planned.” Don’t worry though. John will continue assaulting your senses on his Tumblr, which, sadly has no character limit. But, hopefully there’s a law that requires him to only speak in 140 characters or less. A “douchenozzle regulator” if you will.

John Mayer has a Google alert for his name so of course he read the piece on the Huffington Post that speculated he may be back with Jennifer Aniston. And because John Mayer loves giving long winded responses to articles about himself, he went on his Tumblr, sipped on a juice box and pounded this out:

Ahh, Huffington Post, the internet Death Star. The world’s first spectator banking website. Come watch a site’s intelligence move in and out like bellows of accordion depending on whether or not there’s ad dollars to be sucked out of any willing orifice.

… Huffington Post, this is reporting? How do you pay your writers now, in Silly Bandz? Do you meet your sources in a malt shoppe? This is equal parts fabricated, cobbled together and misleading. Let’s break it down: I don’t think I ever said “I believe in second chances!” but I can’t be 100 percent sure, as it’s possible I could have accidentally said something succinctly and to the point.

… The reason I’m calling you out instead of all the other magazines that make stories up out of thin air is that In Touch and Star Magazine aren’t concurrently writing pieces about Pat Tillman or WikiLeaks. Those other rags know who they are, and even if they’re obnoxious, I’d rather have to live with them because they (and the rest of the world) know where they stand, which doesn’t make them one tenth as dangerous as you are. You’re a stripper wearing reading glasses. Or maybe you’re an insolvent law student willing to dance for a few extra dollars. Either way, it’s uncomfortable to watch you try to wrap yourself around a pole when you have that C-Span scar.

I’m not a politician. I have no celebrity endorsements. So it is with a clear conscience that I’m able to title your piece on this post, should you decide to try make a few more bucks for whatever body wash or slasher flick you’re hocking today.

JOHN MAYER SLAMS HUFFPO: ” GO F**K YOURSELF!”

Alright, who gave John Mayer a book on how to pun? That’s like giving a child a loaded gun or like giving Roman Polanski a 14-year-old girl and a few Quaaludes.

Last month in Playboy, John Mayer called Jessica Simpson “sexual napalm” and “crack cocaine”. Looks like Jessica doesn’t know how to take a compliment because she went on Oprah and said “I don’t want people to know how I am in bed!”

A source adds that Simpson is “disgusted” by what John said and that John brought Jessica to dark places. “He actually texted apologizing, like, 12 times, but she ignored it.”

Did Mayer try to “change” Simpson? During their time together, the natural blonde went brunette, and “[Mayer] brought her to new places sexually, and they were dark places,” an insider told Us. “She liked being a bad girl and being manhandled, but now she feels it was a mistake because of what he said in the interview.”

I have mixed feelings about John Mayer now. On one hand, he’s a big douche bag who tries hard to be shocking. On the other, he got Jessica to be real dirty in bed. And this was the less fat Jessica. Before she started using butter as mouthwash. Should I pat him on the back or punch him in the face or both?

Not to let an opportunity pass them by, GLAAD is also calling for an apology from John Mayer. Referring once again to that Playboy interview, GLAAD pointed out that Mayer used the “fag” word.

“The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica [Simpson] at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.”

I hope this apology they’re asking for has more to do with sticking his tongue in Perez Hilton’s mouth than the “fag” comment. Because that’s just disgusting. Kissing Perez Hilton is like tonguing needle ridden garbage can. Everyone hates that guy including GLAAD.

Mayer and GLAAD should make up and fight the common enemy. Granted, John likes to stick his foot in his mouth a lot so that might not go over well. I can imagine when John says his sorries, the dude from GLAAD will maybe go in for a bro hug and John will just stiff arm him in the chest, stopping him and say, “What a fag.”

John Mayer apologized again during his concert in Nashville last night. Mayer started crying like a wittle baby promising he’ll stop trying to be clever. He said he’s quitting the media game and sticking to playing his guitar.

Everyone in the audience must have been thinking the same thing I’m thinking which is, Jesus, this guy is really scared of getting his ass kicked. It’s like when you punch a bully in the head from behind, but the only thing that happens is he turns to you like a Terminator and then you wave your hands wildly in the air profusely apologizing and claiming it was all a big misunderstanding.

Before a bunch of black people could assemble like a dark Voltron to stomp a hole in John Mayer for using the N word in that Playboy interview, Mayer quickly retreated to the safe glow of his computer and hopped on Twitter to issue an apology.

Re: using the ‘N word’ in an interview: I am sorry that I used the word. And it’s such a shame that I did because the point I was trying to make was in the exact opposite spirit of the word itself. It was arrogant of me to think I could intellectualize using it, because I realize that there’s no intellectualizing a word that is so emotionally charged.

And while I’m using today for looking at myself under harsh light, I think it’s time to stop trying to be so raw in interviews… It started as an attempt to not let the waves of criticism get to me, but it’s gotten out of hand and I’ve created somewhat of a monster. I wanted to be a blues guitar player. And a singer. And a songwriter. Not a shock jock. I don’t have the stomach for it.

Again, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m equivocating: I should have never said the word and I will never say it again.

You see, this only happened because Mayer was too raw. There’s too much fire in this boy. And he didn’t even mean it in that way and he hates how it overshadowed his overall positive message of black people making something of themselves despite the odds. Not that he’s making excuses mind you. He’ll never use that word again. His apology can pretty much be succinctly translated into: “Please don’t kick my ass.”

If you thought the Jessica Simpson sexual cocaine quote from John Mayer was it for his Playboy interview, you’d be wrong. Mayer also talks about his dick being a white supremacist and how he has a “hood pass”.

On if John thinks he himself is a douchebag: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

On his hood pass: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

On dating black women: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick. I always thought Holly Robinson Peete was gorgeous. Every white dude loved Hilary from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. And Kerry Washington. She’s superhot, and she’s also white-girl crazy. Kerry Washington would break your heart like a white girl. Just all of a sudden she’d be like, “Yeah, I sucked his dick. Whatever.” And you’d be like, “What? We weren’t talking about that.” That’s what “Heartbreak Warfare” is all about, when a girl uses jealousy as a tactic.

Oh, so controversial, John Mayer! I would think your dick being an honorary member of the KKK would get your hood pass revoked, but maybe black people are forgiving. I wonder if Mayer’s penis sieg heils every time he has sex with a black girl.

[Los Angeles, December 24. Image via Splash News]

John Mayer spoke with Playboy and confirmed the stereotypes we hoped were true. Jessica Simpson, a reverend’s daughter, was like sexual “crack cocaine.” Let’s stick with the past tense on this one.

PLAYBOY: In 2006 you began dating Jessica Simpson, and the paparazzi started stalking you, turning you into a tabloid fixture. Certainly you knew that was going to happen.

MAYER: It wasn’t as direct as me saying “I now make the choice to bring the paparazzi into my life.” I really said, “I now make the choice to sleep with Jessica Simpson.” That was stronger than my desire to stay out of the paparazzi’s eye. That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.

PLAYBOY: You were addicted to Jessica Simpson?

MAYER: Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm.

PLAYBOY: But before you dated her you thought of yourself as the kind of guy who would never date Jessica Simpson.

MAYER: That’s correct. There are people in the world who have the power to change our values. Have you ever been with a girl who made you want to quit the rest of your life? Did youever say, “I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.”

It’s kind of sad that the only relationship Jessica cares about now is the one she has with cookie dough. She used to be all sexy and skinny. Now she sort of just rolls around in butter.

Here’s Jessica Simpson back in ’04.