According to John Stamos, Ryan Seacrest is a big fairy who prances around in pretty dresses and high heels every night. Just read between the lines, man.

Stamos was on Jimmy Kimmel last night to promote an upcoming production of Hairspray which he’s in and he described his role as a straight Ryan Seacrest. “I play Corny Collins, he’s sort of a DJ, he hosts a music show,” Stamos said. “Sort of like a straight Ryan Seacrest! “Ryan’s a friend, we’ve kissed.”

That whore! He said I was the only one he’s kissed!

Allison Coss and Scott Sippola are currently on trial for attempting to extort $680,000 from John Stamos. Allison and John had a “brief romantic fling” when she was a 17-year-old in high school during a spring break trip to Florida in 2004.

Stamos was said to have met Coss and another girl at a club and bought Coss a drink even though he knew they she was underage. Stamos then invited them both to his room where there was allegedly a bag of cocaine and two strippers. Coss and her friends took a photo of Stamos bending over a table of coke.

Stamos and Coss later went to the bed where they made out. They then went to the hot tub where Stamos stripped naked and Coss stripped to her underwear. Stamos offered to perform oral sex on her but Coss declined. Stamos broke a bedpost in frustration but apologized.

Afterward, they exchanged emails for the next few years “with regularity.” One day Allison Coss, posing as “Jessica T,” sent John two e-mails claiming she was pregnant and he was the father. Later, a “Brian L” emailed John claiming he had photos of him doing blow off a stripper. John shook his head and called the FBI which eventually led to Allison and Scott’s arrest.

Coss, 24, and Sippola, 31, both of Marquette, are accused of conspiring to extort $680,000 from Stamos by telling him they had photos of him with cocaine and strippers. Prosecutors contend the pictures don’t exist, and FBI agents testified Monday they found no such photos while searching the defendants’ house after their arrest.

The most surprising part of the story is where they said Stamos broke a bedpost with his bare hands because Allison wouldn’t let him run his tongue over her vagina. He’s like the Incredible Hulk with a cunnilingus fetish.

Allison Cross and Scott Sippola were charged with extortion after they threatened to release “embarrassing” photos of John Stamos to the press unless he paid them $680,000. Thank goodness the FBI got involved because those photos could have been the end of John Stamos.

Allison Coss and Scott Sippola were arrested Dec. 3 on an extortion charge at an airport near Marquette, 450 miles north of Detroit. An undercover FBI agent posing as a representative of Stamos had arranged to meet them there.

Stamos’ spokesman Matt Polk said there was nothing embarrassing about the images.

“At the conclusion of the investigation and hearing, the photos will be available and the public will be able to see that the photos are simply John posing with fans,” Polk said Tuesday.

The report says Cross met Stamos in Florida 2004 where she took a picture with him. Searching their home, they found Stamos’ cell number and the numbers of three tabloids. The only thing embarrassing about these photos is that John would pose with a bunch of idiots. I’d die of embarrassment from just that. If you’re going to do something, do it right. Like, ask John to take a joke photo of him grabbing your breasts and pretend choking you out and insist it’d be “real funny” as you wink to the cameraman.

I linked to this yesterday, but here’s more. On an Australian press tour for his show ER, an unshaven John Stamos appeared disorientated and slurred his speech during an interview with Daily Telegraph TV writer Stephen Downie. Later, Stamos was a guest on Kerri-Ann Kennerley’s morning show, again acting weird. When asked about his “tired and emotional condition” in his interview with the Daily Telegraph, John Stamos said Downie had a small penis. Stamos then insulted Kerri-Ann’s outfit and began gyrating with a prop. At the end,

Stamos capped off the interview by comparing himself to Elvis Presley and Princess Diana, and is quoted as saying: “Who else has died? My career after coming to Australia.”

John and Paula Abdul should really hook-up. They can compare how drunk they are for different TV appearances and make up excuses as to why they’re drunk. Jet lag, medication, hernia, perforated bowel, explosive diarrhea, a gnome attacking their eardrums. You know, stuff people would believe.