Days before Christina Aguilera filed for divorce from Jordan Bratman, Radar says she paid a visit to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center with a bloody mouth and busted lip. Jordan claimed Christina had “fallen down” which, I guess, Radar is implying is code for “Oh sh-t. I left evidence.”

Christina’s private surgeon soon came and stitched her lip up. On October 12, Christina was photographed wearing a hat pulled down over her face in what seemed to be an attempt to hide the cut below her lip and is the same day they announced the divorce.

There’s no way Jordan Bratman beat up Christina. He looks so docile. Like one of those timid monkeys that go up to you and scurry away when you make eye contact. I’ve seen sleeping puppies scarier than him.

Up top is Christina in Hawaii with some dude not named Jordan Bratman.

Us and TMZ both report that Christina Aguilera and her missing link of a husband Jordan Bratman have split after 5 years of marriage. They actually “have been separated for a few months.” Although they’re living apart right now, they haven’t decided whether or not to divorce.

“They were very much in love,” explains the insider. “But over the last six months, it ­became clear they were more like friends than husband and wife.”The source adds that Aguilera even “­proposed their August trip to Italy to ­rekindle their relationship, but it didn’t help.”

Yikes! What’s up with this week and the splitting of one middling celebrity from their less significant other? First it was Courtney Cox and David Arquette, then Ben Harper and Laura Dern and now these two. Maybe this is like when Michael Jackson had to get rid of Bubbles. Jordan Bratman probably started getting more violent as the years went on.

Christina Aguilera had a Clockwork Orange themed birthday party last night. Christina and the missing link wore the requisite all white outfit with suspenders. Missing were the bloody eyeball cuff links, codpiece and a gigantic penis art piece to bludgeon the birthday girl with.

Christina Aguilera and simian husband Jordan Bratman’s foray into parenthood hasn’t stopped them from enjoying sexy skinny dips in their pool. The two can be often heard splashing around in the moonlight and disturbing the old people living near them.

“They don’t just splash around — they laugh, scream, swear and make sexy noises,” says a source. “We’re happy that they’re happy, but we wish they’d keep it down a bit. There are a lot of old people who live around here, and they don’t like noise after the dinner hour.”

One thing the old people can do is throw their used Depends over the wall, into their pool. I’m pretty sure a diaper full of feces exploding into the heated water will kill any mood. But, that’s just me. For all I know, monkey boy Bratman might start flinging the poo around in a fit of ecstasy.

Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman dressed up as something or other to a costume party. My best guess is a lion tamer and a ringmaster. Which makes sense because these two are a freak show. Jordan looks like a rat and Christina is probably the most ill proportioned woman I’ve ever seen. I’m suprised her legs haven’t started buckling under the weight of her breasts.