You know those celebrities who always say they’re fine with their weight and wouldn’t change for anything in the world? Well, they’re all liars. Of course they’d rather be skinny than a tubby piece of lard huffing bacon grease every morning.

I’m not saying American Idol alum Jordin Sparks is one of those people lying to themselves but she does seem awfully proud of herself for losing 30 pounds with the help of a personal trainer. She took a pic of herself in a bikini the other day and posted it on Twitter. Jordin wrote, “I don’t know why but my bathing suit reminds me of fruity pebbles. :)”

Mm hmm. We all know she was really trying to say, “Look at my skinny ass now, bitches.” Then she carved the word “fatty” on an old picture of her and taped it to her mirror for motivation.

The MTV VMAs were yesterday and they were fantastic in every way. Ha, just kidding. They sucked. The one shining moment was when Jordin Sparks took offense to host Russell Brand’s joke about the Jonas Brothers and their promise rings. Because it’s funny when fatties are offended. Jordin said, “I just have one thing to say about promise rings. It’s not bad to wear a promise ring because not everybody, guy or girl, wants to be a slut.” Whatever. This is what ugly or fat people say because no one wants to have sex with them. So next time you hear someone say it’s good not to be a slut, don’t listen. Their high sugar intake is clearly affecting their judgement.

Jordin Sparks has won American Idol. The 17-year-old who looks 30 beat out Blake Lewis to win a Mustang and a deal with RCA. I will now resume not caring and go back to work impregnating one supermodel at a time. They say what I do is illegal. The only thing illegal about it is that I go all night long baby or until they regain consciousness.