In an interview with UK Glamour, Josh says he’s still surprised Fergie married “Mr. Straight White Boy.”

“To be honest, I’m sometimes surprised she picked ‘Mr Straight White Boy,’ because she’s very rock ‘n’ roll, so I’d have thought she would be with someone who is a little more … out there,” he told the January issue of UK magazine, Glamour. “Then again, maybe that’s exactly why she chose me.

“I don’t think of us as an ‘It’ couple. I don’t look to publicise our relationship, because I know what we have, and the rest of the world don’t need to know. That said, I don’t mind talking about her, because I’m proud of her and I love her.”

Welcome to Bizzaro world where Josh Duhamel currently resides. A place where Fergie is as desirable as Scarlett Johansson or Megan Fox or even that block of cheese left out in the open for a week. And if that wasn’t enough to wrap your mind around, Josh then said something that will scar my brain forever.

Duhamel has revealed that the pair relies on modern technology to keep the spark alive in their marriage.

“Well, there’s Skype … She makes sure the lighting is pretty perfect,” he explained. “You’ve heard the term, ‘Absence makes the heart grow fonder,’ right? Well, hers is ‘Absence makes the c**k grow harder.’”

That sound you hear? That’s me dry heaving into a plastic bag. I mean, what in the world could be considered perfect lighting for this? Utter darkness?

Josh Duhamel was booted off a plane last week for being a complete douche. On a flight out of NYC last Thursday, Josh refused to turn off his BlackBerry despite being asked three times by the flight attendant and went so far as to “taunt” him for asking. The flight ended up delayed for 90 minutes when it had to turn around and head back to the gate so officers could escort Josh off.

Sunday, Josh told Access Hollywood that the incident was “not my favorite moment.” He added, “I’m good, lesson learned.” The lesson, of course, is that he’s a gigantic asshat.

A flight from New York to Kentucky was delayed yesterday after Josh Duhamel refused to turn off his BlackBerry before takeoff. One passenger said Josh was “very rude” and “taunting the attendant.”

The attendant told Josh to turn off the phone three times but each time Josh refused. Josh simply laughed at the third request. Deservedly so because do you know who he is?!

The pilot then had to turn the plane around and head back to the gate so two officers could escort Josh off.

Duhamel’s rep tells TMZ Josh was texting about his flight being delayed and that “he’s sorry.”

To be fair, Josh is sort of a celebrity so that makes him better than regular people. Why should he have to follow the rules that were placed upon us normals?

God knows why, but Timothy Olyphant’s secret twin Josh Duhamel gave his wife Fergie a surprise vow renewal after only a year of marriage and rumors of infidelity. It was just the two of them and a minister on a bluff overlooking the ocean in Santa Barbara. Good idea to not have a lot of witnesses. Although it looks like the plan failed because the bottom of the ocean remains Fergie-less.

The pair flew by private helicopter into the Santa Barbara Airport Wednesday, January 6 at just before 4 pm. They were met by a limo from the Bacara Resort which swept them to the lavish hotel 20 minutes away.

“They were both dressed nicely and walked right out to the bluff outside the hotel where weddings often take place,” an eyewitness told RadarOnline.com. “A minister was waiting for them.

“Fergie was crying and seemed very emotional,” the source said, adding that their private ceremony lasted less than 15 minutes.

Fergie must be really good in bed and her nipples must taste like cocaine because there’s no way I’d renew vows with that thing. I’d sooner run off that cliff and pray for jagged rocks before I’d ever say “I do”.

Reps for Josh Duhamel and Fergie Ferg are calling the allegations of Duhamel having a one night stand with a stripper as “ridiculous” and “nonsense”. PEOPLE reports Nicole Forrester, a stripper at Atlanta’s Tattletale Club, went on Atlanta’s radio station Q100′s “Bert Show” and revealed the following,

“We did hook up and had lots of sex and we had a really, really good time.”

Forrester claims she has text messages and a passed polygraph test that will prove she is telling the truth. Because without evidence, who would believe a stripper from Tattletales? Due to her piss poor morals, Forrester only has one regret out of being a whore stripper that doesn’t mind ruining marriages, and that is that her children now know she is a whore stripper that doesn’t mind ruining marriages.

“My son’s like: Mom are you doing anything different now? He doesn’t want me to do this anymore. He doesn’t want me to dance and I feel like I can’t dance. I feel like people are just looking at me. It’s just bad. It’s just an uncomfortable situation with my children and all their friends know.”

To be fair, Josh and Fergie’s marriage was doomed from the start. Fergie pees on herself before Josh ever gets the chance to and it takes away the thrill.

[Good Morning America, June 2009. Image via Splash News]

Josh Duhamel seems like a cool guy and ladies tell me he’s not bad looking. Which is why it’s so strange he decided to marry Fergie. After reading this, however, I’m starting to figure it out. The guy might have some issues.

Talking to Women’s Health, Duhamel says they were given a stripper pole as a wedding gift. Most likely as a joke because who wants to see Fergie on one of those things. Amiright? Anyway, Josh says that “I’ve played on the pole more than she has.” Um, ok. Calm down there buddy. Although, he added, “If you know my wife, she’s a perfectionist and won’t get on it until she’s good, so she wants to take a class first. So the pole is really just decorative at this point.”

Most of America hopes it stays that way. Watching an old lady get beaten and robbed would be sexier than that.

He was also asked about the hottest part of a woman’s body. Josh said he liked the ass. Knowing that, it now makes perfect sense as to why he doesn’t mind Fergie’s face.

Fergie talked to Allure about gaining weight for her role in Nine and then losing it with her husband Josh Duhamel’s trainer. She also said something about what she does in the bedroom to spice up their sex life. Oh, hey, look at that. I just blew chunky vomit all over my screen.

In addition to her revived Fergalicious figure, she’s also a newlywed that says nothing has changed in the bedroom since the wedding. Fergie tells Allure she incorporates her collection of costumes into her love life with her sexy spouse. “I’ve got a big chest of fun little numbers, ones that I would never wear in public,” she tells the publication. “I like to have fun with my costume onstage; why wouldn’t I in the bedroom?”

One of Josh Duhamel’s favorite costumes is the one where Fergie dresses up like a nurse, tucks her penis between her legs and pretends to be a girl.

Fergie and Josh Duhamel were married about a month ago. People were hoping that would be the end of that and Fergie would live a quiet life outside of anyone’s line of sight. Possibly in a cave somewhere with the rest of her mountain people. Alas, that was not to be. Us detailed their wedding and have a few photos of her wedding.

They also have black and whites of Fergie making out with Josh on a bed. These may seem lovey dovey at first, but realize that Josh is paralyzed from the neck down and the drugs are far from wearing off. Muahahahaha!

More photos at ONTD.

Josh Duhamel still hasn’t received his prescription lenses from Costco. That’s the only reason I can think of for him marrying Fergie on Saturday.

The wedding was held at the Church Estates Vineyards in Malibu “under magnolia trees filled with thousands of white roses.” Juxtaposed with Fergie’s face, it made for an interesting ceremony.

The ceremony was followed by a reception in a tent decorated as a forest of trees, with the ceiling covered in lights.

Among the invited guests were new parents Rebecca Romijn and Jerry O’Connell, Mario Lopez, Stacy Keibler, Kid Rock, Slash, Kate Hudson (Fergie’s costar in her upcoming movie Nine), the members of Black Eyed Peas including will.i.am, and Duhamel’s Las Vegas costars James Caan, Molly Sims and Vanessa Marcil.

They have since left for their tropical honeymoon where Fergie is expected to devour Josh Duhamel’s head after procreating with him.

[Image via Splash News]

Three days before their wedding, Josh Duhamel and Fergie held a joint bachelor and bachelorette party which should give more of an indication of how much Josh hates his life. He can’t even get naked chicks to grind on him without some f’d up monster watching him. PEOPLE describes:

“Josh and Fergie usually spend so much time away from each other, so they wanted to make this week special and spend as much time together as possible,” says a source.

“So they decided to have a joint bachelor and bachelorette party and have their friends mingle and get to know each other before the big day.”

Optometrists suspect Josh is now legally blind. To wit, when normal people look at Fergie, they see Warwick Davis still in his Leprechaun costume. When Josh Duhamel sees Fergie, he sees a puff of cotton forming a faint outline of a female figure. Probably the only reason Josh is still with her is because she can make her vagina make it feel like he’s getting a BJ.

Page Six claims Fergie may be pregnant with something. They suspect she’s gestating because her and her fiancé, Josh Duhamel, have moved up their wedding date.

“She picked up a wedding dress while she was in New York for Fashion Week and wants to move the wedding up so she is married before the bump becomes too obvious,” one insider said. “At Clive’s, she just drank water.”

I suppose congratulations are in order. I didn’t even know Fergie could breed with humans. I thought she was a leprechaun. Maybe I didn’t watch far enough in the series, but I’m pretty sure leprechauns can’t give birth. What kind of sorcery is this?!

Josh Duhamel proposed to that monster Fergie. The two are engaged, but no wedding date has been mentioned. God, if I ever propose to a girl who looks like Fergie, I want you to kick me in the nuts because, one, I might be drugged and that could wake me up, and two, if I’m not drugged, that means I’ve been kidnapped and can’t escape so kicking me in the nuts will hopefully not allow this beast to try and breed with me.

How can Josh have sex with her? I’d be dry heaving through the whole thing. She’s like some ancient Greek myth. The body of a goddess and the head of, I don’t know, something that was killed with a shovel and is in its third week of decay?

I was slightly startled to see this item from OK! Magazine detailing Josh Duhamel’s desire to have children with the as of yet unclassified creature scientists have taken to calling Fergie.

When asked when he’s going to do that, Josh said, “I don’t know. [I feel a little bit] jealous [of my friends]. But I’m taking my time. We’ll do it when it’s right. It’s busy right now for me and my girl. It will happen.”

Someone should inform Josh that in order for a person to become pregnant, they must have a uterus capable of sustaining human life for 9 months. It would help immensely if that other person were a human female and not some sort of he-she hybrid thought to have only existed in the remote jungles of Peru.