Josh Hartnett and his model girlfriend Sophie Lie are in Italy and what the hell. This guy hasn’t been in a movie for forever but he still gets to bang Norwegian models and grab their asses on the beaches of Italy. Apparently all you have to do to trick models into sleeping with you is be real squinty and act confused.

[Fame]

For those of you that still hold out hope that Mary-Kate Olsen will magically turn into Megan Fox levels of hot just like you hoped she would when you stumbled upon the website with the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen 18th birthday countdown clock, I’ve got good news. She’s single!

The 23-year-old split with her boyfriend Nate Lowman before Valentine’s Day. Obviously not too broken up about it, Mary-Kate was seen at a BAFTA after-party making out with Josh Hartnett in a dark corner. Coincidentally, those are my favorite kinds of corners.

[Images: Bauer-Griffin/Fame]

Celebrities are such big babies that if they ever have so much as a hangnail, they check into the hospital. Take Josh Hartnett for example. He was rushed to the hospital at 1:30 AM Sunday morning after complaining of severe stomach pains. These are the same stomach pains that he had in the London play Rain Man back in November. Hartnett called his publicist at 2 AM tell him he’s fine.

The doctors probably told him it was just gas. To which Hartnett replied, “No man. It feels like I’m giving birth. Like there’s a baby about to come out. Oh god, I’m not pregnant am I? Please tell me I’m not. I really can’t get pregnant right now!”

The Daily Mirror ran a piece claiming Josh Hartnett had been caught on CCTV having sex with a woman in a hotel library. Now, Josh is suing the Mirror for defamation, calling the rumors “a complete fabrication” and “unsubstantiated.”

To clarify, anytime a major publication calls your moves X-Rated and says it’s with a girl and not your doll collection, that’s a good thing. Anytime a major publication says you were caught on CCTV masturbating in a corner of the hotel library, that’s a bad thing. A very bad thing. You want to sue over something like that, not this. Especially when they put in bold letters that they had to zoom in to see exactly what you were doing and don’t even mention that you were nervous.

Apparently, ever since breaking up with Scarlett Johansson, Josh Hartnett has been coercing girls into having sex with him in public. This trickery is said to have been caught on CCTV.

But our mole went on: “Unfortunately the hotel has security cameras all over the place – the library included.

“This means their every spit and cough was recorded, and cringing hotel workers saw all of Josh’s X-rated moves.

“No one quite knew where to look and there was a very awkward silence.

“Josh didn’t seem bothered that the library wasn’t locked and anyone could just burst in. He just kind of went for it.

“After the event, someone had a quiet word in Josh’s ear and he was asked to take his personal business elsewhere in future.

“Josh took it on the chin and didn’t kick up a fuss. He’s been as good as gold since.”

Josh Hartnett always looks kind of dorky and perpetually lost or stoned so this rumor makes sense. Pot heads are lazy. Why would Josh walk all the way back up to his hotel room? Like I tell all the women I startle with my seductive looks. Passion waits for no man and no, I don’t have something in my eye. I’m winking.

Josh Hartnett and Ben Foster were on the panel for 30 Days and 30 Nights at ComicCon and apparently, Ben couldn’t hide his love for Josh. Look at those eyes. You can almost see the little hearts coming out of his head. I bet Ben Foster’s jealousy broke up Josh and Scarlett Johansson. That or my rock hard abs and devilish smile.

Photos: My personal monkey, Aaron, from Cameraphonic

Josh Hartnett recently admitted that his breakup with Scarlett Johansson was “really painful.” Josh thought Scarlett was special and that they might spend their lives together. In the end, there was too much pressure and fighting.

“It’s taken a while but he’s getting over it now – he’s just immersing himself in work. Scarlett was very much a one-off. She was independent, feisty and outgoing – everything he wanted. But the relationship just didn’t work out.”

This sappy shit don’t fly here kid. You can’t tame a girl like Scarlett. The best you can do is grab on and enjoy the ride and don’t fall off and break your neck because then you could be paralyzed like Christopher Reeves and that would cost a lot of money so you might as well ask the doctors about euthanasia since you’re poor which is why you live in the basement of your parent’s house. Sorry, I kind of got lost in the moment.

My mail server is completely broken so no mail after Jan. 3 was received. That’s the bad news. The good news is I’m still sexy. Phew, that’s a relief.

1. Brad Pitt might be old and washed up, but he’s still rich and wanted by half of America. [Celebitchy]
2. Hilary Swank got a star on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame. They just let anybody in don’t they? [Celebrity Smack]
3. Mariah Carey forces Mary Carey to stop using her name. [CityRag]
4. Britney Spears on a yacht with a K-Fed clone. [Evil Beet]
5. Josh Hartnett got a sloppy BJ in some bathroom. [Dlisted]
6. Gwen Stefani isn’t perfect. [I'm Not Obsessed]
7. Pete Doherty says he did marry Kate Moss. [Agent Bedhead]

Page Six posted that Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson were back together again as they were seen making out at some restaurant. They were half right as they are reporting today that, while these two were molesting each other with their tongues, Scarlett is pursuing an open relationship policy. Josh is taking advantage of it as he was seen vacuuming Gisele Bundchen’s throat Saturday night at Spotted Pig.

In related news, Scarlett Johansson is blowing me under my table right now. Mmm, so good. Oops. Correction. It was a vacuum cleaner and I think the on/off switch is stuck. God, not again.

Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson were spotted Friday at Cercle Rouge restaurant dispelling rumors about a breakup.

“They had a meal and got progressively cozier as the night went on,” said our spy. “Then they started to make out in full view of the restaurant at their table and didn’t really care who saw.”

I just don’t understand. How does a guy like Josh Hartnett start boning a girl like Scarlett Johansson? The only thing I can come up with is he’s holding her family hostage or a cult. Most likely a cult since I doubt Josh is smart enough to abduct someone. After a while, he’d start to wonder why her parents were black.

Here’s some old pictures of Scarlett Johansson being a Pussycat Doll.

That girl Josh Hartnett is rumored to be with is actress Amber Sainsbury who has a small part in Josh’s new movie 30 Days of Night. Josh is denying reports that he and Amber are more than friends after being caught with his arm around her at the Woolloomooloo hotel Blue, which is an awesome name for a hotel. Amber Sainsbury was in Hex. You probably wouldn’t remember since it got canceled 5 minutes into the show.

The pair ducked for cover when Confidential caught up with them as they were leaving Sydney on Sunday night – Sainsbury bolting into the airport terminal covering her face with a jacket and bag and Hartnett telling photographers to “get fucked”.

That’s pretty cute. Amber thinks she’s a big star now that she’s being diddled by Josh Hartnett who still claims to be with Scarlett Johansson. It’s pretty obvious that Scarlett did the dumping because who in their right mind would leave something like that. She could come home after blowing half of Hollywood and I’d still ask her if the four course meal I made was alright.

Note: The article mentions Amber Sainsbury has a huge rack. I couldn’t find any good pictures of her after 10 seconds of searching so I put up Scarlett.

Page Six reports Scarlett Johansson and Josh Hartnett are splitting up. Their source says Scarlett is always mad at Josh and they’re always arguing. I’d be mad too if I finally realized my how much of a tool Josh Hartnett is. Fortunately for me, I already knew that so my heart is safe. Sigh, what dreamy eyes. What, oh, sorry I got lost there for a moment. No I wasn’t thinking about Josh Hartnett and his strong manly arms. I, uh, was thinking about Scarlett and her boobs. Yea. Boobs. See?

Life & Style is reporting that Scarlett Johanasson and Josh Hartnett are moving in together. Not only are they buying a house together, they’re requesting that their bedroom be sound proof.

The insider dishes to the weekly magazine that neighbors needn’t worry about the lovebirds being loud. The couple are requesting extra soundproofing – in their bedroom!

“They asked that we change the design to include extra insulation between the bedrooms of the pent­house and the unit next door,� says a realty insider.

Although this sounds a little too good to be true, you may as well add loud in bed to the list of Scarlett Johansson’s desirable traits. There’s something fundamentally wrong with Josh Hartnett having her all to himself and Wilmer Valderrama managing to hang out with her all the time.

It’s like when you have a really hot friend, but she doesn’t think of you in that way and then one day you decide it would be a good idea to have her discover you naked in her bed. Then she says “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” and you say “I know we both want this”, but then she calls the cops and there’s a lot of screaming and crying. Then you find out she met some homeless guy and felt sorry for him and decided to sleep with him. Whatever, I’m over it now. Here’s Scarlett at her Reebok conference.