Kanye West performed last night at Adult Swim’s upfront and started whining again about how the paparazzi made him hit his head on a pole. He told everyone he’s not a celebrity because he makes real music, that he won’t be doing SNL skits about himself because his life isn’t a “f*cking joke,” and that he’ll drop your baby if you try to make him kiss it. Per Miss Info,

“I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity… There’s one thing about me, I’m a terrible, terrible terrible celebrity. I don’t know if you really know there’s one thing about me but I’m the worst kind of, the worst kind of celebrity. All I do is make real music. All I do is sit in the studio and make real shit. And that’s it. And that’s muthafuckin it. That’s muthafuckin it!

So I don’t want no people runnin’ up on me with cameras, trying to like sell pictures and shit to magazines, asking me dumb ass questions, throwin’ me off my focus and shit. Harrasin’ you all muthafuckin day. I ain’t no muthafuckain celebrity.

To be fair, he did stick a baby into Kim Kardashian who’d attach a GoPro to her assistant’s head so she could be filmed 24/7 if she could.

It’s so funny. Somebody asked me, ‘when you do SNL, are you going to do a skit about the paparazzi and shit. And like humanize yourself? I ain’t hear to apologize to no muthafuckas man. It ain’t about me humanizing myself. At one point did I become un-human where I had to turn myself back. Or maybe I was demonized, or maybe I was treated inhumane and not human in that type of situation. I ain’t no muthafuckin celebrity. I ain’t runnin’ for office. I ain’t kissin’ nobody’s muthafuckin babies. I drop your baby and you muthafuckain sue me and shit. I’m trying to make some music that inspires people to be the best that they can be. And I don’t want nobody else to ask anything of me! Don’t ask nothing else of me.

Don’t hand your baby to Kanye because he’ll just leave and you’ll end up dropping your kid on his head and they’ll end up retarded. By the transitive property, give your babies to Kanye, they’ll end up retarded. His kid is doomed.

Muthafuckas chasin you down, about to make you crash and shit. And all they want is for a nigga to laugh and shit. Hell nah, I ain’t doin no muthafuckin SNL skits. This is my Goddamn life. This ain’t no muthafuckin joke.

You want me to leave? I’ll leave Kanye!

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Kanye West’s $750,000 Lamborghini Aventador was being returned to Kim Kardashian’s house after being serviced when it ended up trapped between her gates. Reports say the guy who was returning it drove in but didn’t make it all the way through before the gates closed on both sides of the car. A repair shop sent a detailer over to see if it can be buffed out.

The timing on this news was fantastic because I was just looking for a perfect example of rich people problems.

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Last week, Kanye West ran head first into a wrong way sign and then got all angry at the paparazzi for taking pictures of him. He looked like he was about to cry and you kind of felt sorry for him until you remembered this was Kanye West so you just mocked him by rubbing your firsts under your eyes and making a frowny face.

Anyway, when Kanye left Kim’s house over the weekend, we got to see what kind of damage the sign did to his head. It does look like it left a mark which proves what we knew all along. Kanye is thin-skinned.

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His ego having been inflated to monstrous proportions, Kanye West no longer has the spatial awareness necessary to maneuver his head around safely. Case in point. Kanye and Kim stopped for some pho in LA today and as they were leaving the parking garage, Kanye smashed his head on a wrong way sign. “Ego, why you no increase the squishy membrane around my brain?!,” Kanye probably said to himself.

And now with video.

And now with more passion. “If you want me to leave, I’ll leave Kanye.” *continues to follow*

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The MET Gala was Monday night and I’m still talking about it this Friday. Who knew a bunch of celebrities dressing all fancy with spiked hair and top hats would be such a hot topic? Not me. That’s for sure. The latest news from the event actually has little to do with the event itself and more to do with Vogue’s distaste for Kim Kardashian. She’s the coffee Anna Wintour spits out when they get her order wrong.

Vogue put up a slideshow of all the celebrities and their outfits on the website including Katie Perry’s awful Joan of Arc dress, the Olsen’s homeless royalty look and others. They even put up Kanye West but they made sure to crop out Kim Kardashian because she and her outfit were an affront to everyone’s eyes. Jezebel noted that they didn’t really need to crop her out to fit the slide but they did anyway because Kim Kardashian.

It’s kind of like when you take a group photo at a party and they photoshop a dinosaur in your place before they put it on Facebook. Or even worse, they don’t even take the time to do that and just draw black lines all over you.

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Kanye West deleted all his tweets and in their place, has put up only one. It reads “June Eighteen.” Wow. He writes like he talks.

June Eighteen

— KANYE WEST (@kanyewest) May 2, 2013

All signs point to this being the release date for his next record, his sixth solo studio album and followup to 2010′s My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy.

Others are saying this could be the due date for the Cracken Kim is releasing even though they both said hell won’t be coming to earth until early July.

The post Kanye West Only Has One Tweet Now: ‘June Eighteen’ appeared first on The Blemish.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian were actually photographed together shopping in New York. He came back on one of his expensive private jet visits to see her apparently. So far he’s spent $100,000 on flights to go with Kim to the doctor. He seems really tired. That or jet lag keeps making him forget Kim is pregnant. “Oh… I forgot. You still look like that. Well, back to Paris.”

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According to a report by The Sun, Kanye West compiled a list of potential baby names for him and Kim Kardashian’s future unborn golden goose due in July. At the top of the list is the name North because that would make the kid North West.

The Sun reasons that Kim isn’t going to be too thrilled since everyone in her family has a name that starts with a K. The women at least. The men can go f*ck themselves apparently.

With that in mind, here’s a suggestion that will solve all Kanye and Kim’s problems: Key as in Key West. Kris, I’ll be expecting my royalties in about 3 years.

The post Kanye and Kim Naming Their Baby North West Because Kanye appeared first on The Blemish.

Sorry for the lack of updates today. I was on a super secret mission for the CIA. All I can say is there are now six less diplomats in Iran. You don’t believe me? Argo f*ck yourself.

Anyway, not to worry. I have all the Kim Kardashian news you could want.

First off, Kim posed naked again. This time “tastefully” for L’Officiel Hommes. A French magazine of some sorts. They do a lot of shoots with naked chicks apparently. For the blind readers out there, it’s a picture of Kanye with his back turned to us bear hugging Kim. There’s not much else to say about it. It just… is.

In related news, Steve Hirsch, the head honcho of Vivid, almost lost the master copies of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape when his office caught fire over the weekend. Luckily, the safe it was in which also held the unedited masters of other celebrity sex tapes such as Kendra Wilkinson’s, Pam and Tommy Lee’s, Jimi Hendrix’s, Vince Neil’s, Tom Sizemore’s and Chyna’s, was only singed.

Not to read too much into this, but I’m sure this was just the fires of Hell attempting to reclaim what was rightfully theirs.

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Kim Kardashian brags to the new edition of Cosmo that she has it all in her relationship with Kanye West. “The truth, the excitement and the passion.”

Well la-dee-da. Don’t you have a wonderful life. You know what I have? Food poisoning from Subway. Point. Me. I think.

Kim also talks about the possibility of marriage. It would be her third one.”Sometimes you’re just not ready. A person could have it all, and you’re not ready for it all. But this is where I probably always should have been…[marriage] is something I know that we both want in our future, but I don’t have this sense of urgency about it. I have this best friend who understands me and helps me through all my tough experiences, and vice versa, you know? It just feels like this is it for me.”

That last line. “This is it for me.” She’s so prescient. She’s like that kid from Minority Report.

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