Kara DioGuardi, who’s most famous for being a judge on American Idol and behind the music scenes songwriter and producer, has a memoir out called A Helluva High Note. Puns in book titles never get old!

In it, the 40-year-old Kara writes about all the times she was sexually assaulted including a series of molestations when she was 11 and the time she was date raped by a music producer.

“On one particular day, he took me into the back shed of his house and put his hands all over my breasts and vagina,” she remembers in the book. “I remember freezing and not knowing what to do.”

Her adulthood was equally as amazing as her childhood. As she was moving up the music ladder, she went out on a date with a music producer who spiked her drink.

“[W]ithin a few hours, he was on top of me, pumping, sweating, and speaking to me in Spanish, not a word of which I could understand,” she writes of what was a terribly ill-fated business dinner.

She should just out the guy. I don’t see why not. He’s probably raped a bunch of different up-and-coming girls the same way and a few of them might even know enough Spanish to understand what he was saying. Maybe he was telling them what the safe word was? Maybe it was all a big misunderstanding. Yea… that’s it. In all seriousness though, this guy should be kicked in the balls every day for the rest of his life.

With the departure of Simon Cowell, American Idol thought this would be the perfect time to shake things up so they’re replacing Ellen DeGeneres and Kara DiGuardi. The only problem is Kara didn’t know she was fired until she read about it on the internet. Her dad explains,

“Would you believe she did not hear — and still has not heard — anything?” Joe DioGuardi said on the New York TV show “Capital Tonight.”

“She read it the way you did and I did. Her disappointment is that that’s the way she’s being treated and she feels that’s not proper. I think they’re trying to create a lot of buzz … they’re trying to reformat the thing. But Kara has a very deep career in music … she’ll be fine. Would she want to do it another year? I think so … I think at some point (she) will confront them on that.”

Yes, at some point, Kara will confront FOX about them kicking her off without notice. You know, if it’s alright with them and if they’re not too busy. You’d expected her to be on the phone the day she heard about it but instead she’s just moping around. Is Kara a pushover? I bet if I stole her ice cream cone she’d gently tap me on my shoulder and ask me how it tastes.

On Thursday, Ellen DeGeneres announced that she wouldn’t be returning as a judge to American Idol. No one really cared because the only thing Ellen was good for was agreeing with what Simon or Randy said but phrasing her critique in a different way so it would sound like her own idea. Whenever she was asked to give her opinion first, you could see her floundering before coming up with either an obvious comment or a wishy-washy analysis.

Kara DioGuardi was also fired because she was useless and no one liked her even though she was the most attractive one there. Sources say the official reason is that AI wants to go back to the three-judge format. Which would make sense if they kept the original judges. But they didn’t. So read into that as you will.

Reports today say Ellen and Kara have been replaced by Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler. Oh, good. So this show will be even less entertaining. What’s the over/under that Jennifer will somehow always include a little fact about herself in each of her critiques and Steven will look lost every time he’s called on. Next season of AI will just be an infomercial for Lopez’s life and people confusing Steven for a 70-year-old lady.

[Fame]

Emmanuelle Chriqui, Kara DioGuardi, Jessica Capshaw, Colbie Caillat and Regina Hall are all naked in Allure for their annual nude issue. Kara said, “This shoot was less about beauty than about taking a risk, and showing people a side of me they never have seen.”

Sounds eerily similar to what I tell girls to lessen the impact of how disappointing I am in bed. “This is less about sex than about me taking a risk, and putting my penis in you.” That always get them real hot.

Bikini girl (Katrina Darrell) reappeared one more time on Idol last night before falling back into the ether never to be heard from again. What she performed wasn’t that important because she was strutting around in a bikini the whole time, but then Idol judge, Kara Dioguardi, walked on stage and started singing and took the focus off Katrina. Boooring. At least she spiced things up by flashing her own bikini towards the end. For about three seconds. Luckily, shutter speeds are fast enough so what seems like three seconds can turn into two minutes, maybe even three with the right technique.

Yesterday, it was announced that a fourth person, Kara DioGuardi, would be added to the current lineup of American Idol judges which include Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell and Randy Jackson. Kara has written songs for Christina Aguilera to the Jonas Brothers. Still, Paula is concerned the audience will not accept Kara. Huh? Do people care? Paula just doesn’t want to explain to Kara why she seems drunk all the time (It’s because she’s been drinking). Pop Tarts goes on to ask:

What happens if she and Jackson vote one way, but DioGuardi disagrees?

“That’s gonna be weird if it’s a split decision,” Abdul said. “I’m sure Simon will get to make the final [call].”
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“It takes the fun out of all the hard work I do to push those kids through,” she added.

I’ve watched this show a few times. I have not seen this hard work Paula speaks of. I hear a lot of whining and incoherent speech and dull musings about that one time when she was famous. Is that considered hard work? To find out, I just sat through an episode pretending to be a judge. It was pretty easy. I guess I’m just a natural.