If you go into Movie 43 with low enough expectations, there are one or two actual laughs, several kind-of chuckles, some smiles, and a bunch of headshakes at what director, Peter Farrelly, actually decided to actually film and actually put together into a movie that is actually released in theaters. It’s exciting that there’s a “comedy anthology” film in theaters, and that the star power might be enough to knock skeptics off of their narrative high-horse for an hour and a half or so. Sometimes silly is important, and gross and gratuitous is hilarious, and sketches and commercial parodies are art. But if Movie 43 was truly aiming for the style of classics like Kentucky Fried Movie, it would be funnier.

The vignettes, sketches, and commercial parodies star celebs like Halle Berry, Richard Gere, Naomi Watts, Liev Schreiber, Kate Winslet, and Hugh Jackman. Then there are also comedy people, like Stephen Merchant, Matt Walsh, Jason Sudeikis, Jack McBrayer, Elizabeth Banks, Chris Pratt, and Anna Faris. There are more, but I’m going to stop listing them because words probably mean nothing to you by now. There are a lot of people who agreed to do this.

The shorts are loosely tethered together by a lazy, meta plotline involving an insane and desperate filmmaker (Dennis Quaid) pitching a movie, but really just pitching these sketches, to a producer (Greg Kinnear). It’s lazy because of things like this: after the first commercial parody, it cuts back to Dennis Quaid explaining that, “There are commercials right there in the movie!” Why is that necessary? Why?! If you want to include commercial parodies, do it! Don’t explain it away. It makes just as much sense that there are commercials in the movie as it does that there is a crazy man pitching a bunch of shorts, so just let it go. And that’s the most disappointing thing about Movie 43. Every short is entirely disconnected from one another, so disconnected that they are directed by different people (Elizabeth Banks, Brett Ratner, Steve Carr, Griffin Dunne, and more), which seems like a fun idea. However, that means that with each one standing completely on its own, there’s no clever crossover, nothing self-referential, and no thematic consistency. Not that comedy anthologies are necessarily known for being elegant journeys through breathing, symbiotic, comedic ecosystems, but a little cleverness would have been nice.

There are a whole bunch of poop jokes and fairly juvenile, scatological humor throughout. Some of it works. In the first short, Kate Winslet and Hugh Jackman go on a blind date, and it’s revealed that he has a large pair of testicles hanging from his neck. No one seems to notice, except for Kate Winslet, and it’s because of the realistic way she has to deal with interacting with this guy who doesn’t know he has a scrotum-neck that it’s actually funny. As a whole, though, Movie 43 is not really gross enough to be dismissed as a nasty shock-fest, but it’s not smart enough with its poop jokes to completely forgive them. When sketches don’t work, it’s because they lean on the fact that it’s Gerard Butler’s face on a leprechaun or Richard Gere saying, “Fuck!” And the “celebrity out of his/her comfort zone” isn’t enough, unless he or she plays it with charming straight-faced grace, like Mr. Jackman…and his neck balls.

Most of the movie is made up of sketches that seem like they would have been rejected from Saturday Night Live and/or would have aired on MADtv, if MADtv had a lot of money, could use bad words, and was still on the air. One commercial/PSA, however, was so great, even Lorne Michaels would have probably said, “Okey, eh,” (you know, because he’s Canadian). It has to do with the machines we use in everyday life, and often get mad at: vending machines, ATMs, copiers. The sketch implores us all to be respectful, to stop kicking and punching the machines when they don’t seem to be working because there are sad, lonely children who work inside them.

Movie 43 is already one of those movies that has segments that seem funnier when you’re describing them to someone than they seemed when you were actually watching it. But Neck Balls and Kid Machines, the names I made up for the sketches I described in detail, were the only two that felt at least mostly successful, and even then, because they were surrounded by others that didn’t work and were interwoven with a weird running plotline, they got bogged down. Here’s to hoping that Movie 43 at least rejuvenates the comedy anthology concept and paves the way for smarter, funnier versions of itself.

Grade: C

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Movie 43 features A-listers such as Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Naomi Watts, Halle Berry, Richard Gere, Liev Schreiber, Uma Thurman, Emma Stone, Jason Sudeikis, Elizabeth Banks and Terrence Howard and is set to release this Friday but you wouldn’t know it because, not only is the movie being dumped at the end of January (always a bad sign), but none of the stars will promote it.

No studio would touch it. Nor would a certain segment of the A-list: Farrelly says that when he approached George Clooney about playing himself in a sketch (the gag: George Clooney is bad at picking up women), Clooney told him, “No f–king way.”

None of the stars has promoted the film on talk shows or in magazines—which only generates more curiosity about what may the weirdest theatrical release ever.

In fact, a lot of the film’s stars tried to weasel their way out of it. Stars like Richard Gere made them wait more than a year and then said he could only give them 4 days to shoot and that they would have to relocate from LA to New York. “They clearly wanted out!” says Peter Farrelly of the Farrelly brothers. “But we wouldn’t let them.” The strategy, he says, was simple: “Wait for them. Shoot when they want to shoot. Guilt them to death.”

So why is every actor in this film trying to distance themselves from it? Poop jokes. Everyone loves a poop joke but no one wants to be associated with one.

The movie, which is just a hodgepodge of sketches from 12 different directors all loosely tied together by a plot, features scenes such as Anna Faris asking her boyfriend, “Will you poop on me?,” Halle Berry putting her breasts in a bowl of guacamole, Kate Winslet distracted on her first date with Hugh Jackman because he has balls hanging from his chin, Emma Stone and Kieran Culkin arguing over who gave who an STD and Gerard Butler as a leprechaun who threatens to cut off Johnny Knoxville’s balls.

“I just want to reinforce that the movie wasn’t an attempt to shock,” says producer John Penotti. They did, after all, cut a sketch about necrophilia.

“That’ll be on the DVD,” Wessler says. Page Six

See? We’re not looking to shock. We even cut out the necrophilia sketch. Psst, it’ll be on the DVD.

Anyway, the entire thing took 4 years to make and was done on just a $6 million budget. Farrelly hopes to find an audience. Mainly from the “Kids, teenagers, 50-somethings who still smoke pot” crowd. Or, oddly enough, people who browse Reddit.

Seeing as how A-listers are trying to pretend this film never happened as if it were some sort of traumatic rape, Farrelly decided to promote it himself by doing an AMA on Reddit. As usual, some highlights.

Is ‘Dumb and Dumber To’ really happening?

100% Guaranteed that it’s a possibility. We’re in negotiations right now with Warner Bros. And hope to have an announcement soon.

Yes. Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels are in. And there are a couple of other very juicy roles. I love that guy Channing Tatum and would love to get him in there. Also, there’s an excellent role for a young dumb girl. Emma Stone would knock it out of the park.

Wasn’t there a movie called Dumb and Dumberer?

Yes. We had nothing to do with it.

How much of Dumb and Dumber was improvised by Jim and Jeff?

Not as much as you think. Probably only 95%. No seriously I would say 15% was improvised, however we did sit down with Jim and Jeff before the movie started shooting and we came up with a lot of gems then together.

What the hell is Movie 43? All I’ve seen in commercials is an apparent hodge podge of unrelated scenes and a metric ton of various A-list actors.

Good question. It’s a collection of comedy shorts in the vein of Kentucky Fried Movie. Except each short has a different writer and director. There is also a story holding it all together, Dennis Quaid is a down and out movie producer pitching projects to Greg Kinnear and Common (along the way they bump into Seth Macfarlane and others). As Dennis starts to grow more nervous he gets more desperate and the screws start to turn in a big way. It’s going to score around 7 on the Rotten Tomatoes meter. It’s really funny, but may be too outrageous for critics.

A commercial for your movie came up before a porn once. Did you make that decision or did an agency? Because I probably am in your demographic.

I personally made that decision.

What’s your favorite moment that has happened on a movie set?

Probably when Bill Murray showed up on the set of Kingpin for the first time. Being that he doesn’t have an assistant, agent, or cell phone there was no way to reach him. So we were just hoping he would show up on time. Then when he did show up, that burst of energy was just the thing we needed at that point in the movie. Another favorite moment was when my kids showed up on the movie set for the first time.. as they looked upon the jizzum in Cameron Diaz’s hair.

Is there a certain field of humor you shy away from? If so for what reason?

I do try and avoid the really witty stuff.

What did you use to create Cameron Diaz’s signature hair in Something about Mary?

Actually that was just some kind of glue. But the funny part was when a guy showed up on the set with all different jizz sizes and shapes, to hang on Bens ear. God’s honest truth, that’s somebody’s job. This guy shows up with a briefcase and inside he has about 40 different loads. Each one is a different length and texture, sort of like snow flakes. Only prettier. We laughed our asses off. But I did feel kinda bad that this was the man’s lot in life–to carry a briefcase full of jizzm. By the way that man grew up to be Anderson Cooper.

Love your movies…2 questions:

1 – what do you think is the funniest non-Farrelly movie?

2- How does one cast for the small penis guy in Hall Pass?

ps- had pleasure of working with your sister at GBH…super nice.

Thanks for the kind words about my sister Cathy. 2- It was easy. We hired our friend Rich Brown. He’s the kinda guy who you could see with clothes on and tell that he has a small dick. We actually put a prosthetic device on to enhance his dick and make it look believably small. Because his real one looked too jokey.

When is the last time you saw your brother naked?

He’s draped across the couch right now. To give me inspiration. Sort of like Michelle Pieffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys.

Growing up, what would you say was the film(s) that influenced you and your brother most, and made you say “I want to do this for a living.”?

Cool Runnings. Just kidding, actually it was Airplane, Animal House, Blazing Saddles, Cat Ballou, and Something Wild.

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According to Kate Winslet’s spokesman, Kate married Ned RocknRoll in New York earlier this month in a private ceremony in the Catskill mountains in a heated barn attended by her two kids and very few friends and family. So few, in fact, that Kate’s parents weren’t even there. They actually didn’t even know about it until much later. A few people say the quick wedding is because Kate is pregnant but probably not. This will be Kate’s third marriage.

Wait, let’s back up for a second here. His last name is RocknRoll? That’s pretty cool but I’m wondering how they let a 10 year old change his name. Anyway, if they have a kid together, they should definitely name them SexDrugs with a middle name of And. It would be freaking sweet for the kid. I mean, for about a second until they come to the realization that their parents hate them.

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Cat fight! Cat fight! Back when Titanic came out, every girl fell in love with Leonardo DiCpario, but not Kate Winslet. They just called her fat. Look who’s fat now! Kate Winslet was doing press for Titanic 3D on Daybreak the other day and joked that she looks way better than Leonardo DiCaprio. Then she pushed up her nose and made a bunch of oinking noises. Alright, that didn’t happen but whatever.

‘We do look very different, we’re older. Leo’s 37, I’m 36 – we were 21 and 22 when we made that film. You know, he’s fatter now – I’m thinner. It’s true though!’ The Dailiy Mail

She’s probably just bitter that James Cameron somehow duped her into doing press for Titanic 3D (3D boobs!) and Leo managed to wiggle out of it. Which is ironic cause you wouldn’t expect him to be able to wiggle out of anything on account of him being such a fatass.

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To clarify, it’s not Celine Dion herself but her infamous Titanic track “My Heart Will Go On” that played continuously for five years after the movie came out. That is what makes Kate Winslet sick and what makes her do a “massive internal eye roll” whenever someone surprises her with it. She tells MTV News:

‘I feel like throwing up when I hear it. No, I shouldn’t say that. No, actually, I do feel like throwing up.
‘I wish I could say, “Oh listen, everybody! It’s the Celine Dion song!” But I don’t.
‘I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll.’ The Daily Mail

Even though she throws up in her mouth a little every time the song perforates her eardrums, Kate has nothing but good things to say about Titanic and what it’s done for her career. Because of that movie, she can pick and choose her roles and due to the huge success, she doesn’t even have to work that hard. It’s sort of like selling your soul to the devil but without that pesky eternity in Hell thing.

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Since splitting with Sam Mendes, Kate Winslet has been leaving a trail of half-eaten hearts. Her most recent ex, Louis Dowler, was so heart broken, he went to Radar Online and cried his little model eyes out.

According to her recent ex, model Louis Dowler, he was stunned when she dumped him, and still can’t get over the loss. “I don’t think Kate behaved well and it is still very raw for me,” Dowler told the Daily Mail about his breakup with the 35-year-old actress. “I was in love with her and you can’t switch that off over night,” he said.

Dowler shared that the two went on what should have been a romantic trip to Sir Richard Branson’s luxurious Necker Island, but after leaving the vacation Kate promptly ended the relationship.

“I’m not sure Kate treated me well,” Dowler said. He rehashed the relationship, detailing the intimate events they shared. “Kate came home with me to Cornwall and we just hung out together. She met my parents and family.” Going on to claim: “I don’t want to go into details but it wasn’t a straightforward break-up. I’m a laid-back guy, so I am not walking around with a long face — but I do still hold a torch for her.” Radar Online

Hey, Dowler, you ever thought that Kate dumped you because you were a pathetic whiny b*tch who lept at the first opportunity to make some money off the relationship? If I was Kate, I’d have dumped you too. There’s only room for one pu**y in a relationship.

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7 years of marriage and one child later, Kate Winslet and husband Sam Mendes have split. Reps say “The split is entirely amicable and is by mutual agreement. Both parties are fully committed to the future joint parenting of their children.”

This just proves that having Leonardo DiCaprio bang your wife while you film is never a good idea. The only thing that can come from that is resentment and tricking Leo into thinking that you need to film him falling into a pit of spikes and then being doused with gasoline as it is an integral part of the movie.

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Kate Winslet showed up for this Academy Award thing. Here she is doing her best impression of Oscar. Her hands need to be a little higher, but other than that, I give her a 7. 2 for effort and +5 for those tits I never knew she had.

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Kate Winslet used to get naked at the drop of a hat, but now promises she will never do another nude scene again. The 33-year-old actress told Time magazine that she doesn’t want to be known as “that girl.”

“I think I won’t do it again: A. I can’t keep getting away with it, and B. I don’t want to become ‘that actress who always gets her kit off.’”

Whatever. Her tits were never that great to begin with. They look like the ears of a basset hound. If you ever wanted to watch her breasts heave, you could just go to a dog park. Megan Fox on the other hand. If she said this, I might have to kill myself because life would become meaningless.

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Kate Winslet has long been the voice of the fat girl not willing to succumb to the pressures of thin Hollywood. In February 2003, Kate even apologized for her retouched GQ magazine shoot saying she didn’t want people to think she was a hypocrite and had no intention of looking like the digitally slimmed photos of her.

Fast forward to today and Kate is once again under scrutiny for her recent Vanity Fair shoot. This time The Daily Mail asks an airbrush artist to examine Kate’s latest photos. His conclusion? LAWL! Photochopped!

The face: ‘There is no real detail in her face. Any detail or wrinkles have been removed. There are no eye bags, contours and smile lines.

‘The whites of her eyes have been cleaned up and are now a really clean, crisp white. I’d say her lips have possibly been made slightly fuller as well.’

The skin: ‘Her skin has generally been retouched all over so she has no lines or blemishes at all. Her skin is completely perfect.’

The hands and feet: ‘There are no wrinkles or lines or veins on her hands and feet and this just is not natural.’

The figure: ‘Her back and lower body have been pinched in to make her look thinner and to give her some curves.

‘Her bottom has been rounded off so it looks nice and pert. I would be very surprised if her bottom was like that naturally. Her thigh appears to have been made slimmer so it appears more toned.

‘And in the shot of her sitting down on the front cover, it’s possible her legs were made slightly thinner so they also appear more toned.’

Kate’s rep denies this and tells PEOPLE: “Kate is furious at suggestions that her body has been airbrushed.”

Whatever. Magazines airbrush photos. It’s a fact. There’s no way Vanity Fair is going to put a baggy-eyed, wrinkly Kate Winslet on their cover. They sell magazines, not body image. Who wants to buy an issue with an ugly fatty on the cover. If people want to see a natural Kate Winslet with all her blemishes, they’re just going to have to do what I do and install a spycam in her shower.

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