Katie Holmes went back to her hotel after attending the Armani women Haute Couture Fashion Show in Paris on Monday and, as Fame Pictures so astutely notes, she’s greying at 32. Being married to Tom Cruise, having a kid and keeping up a Stepford housewife facade must be stressful.

Katie Holmes spent Father’s Day weekend in a red bikini top and bright pink shorts in Miami with Suri Cruise. She also showed off what Suri Cruise did to her stomach while she was gestating in there. Instead of being all smooth and sexy like it was in The Gift, her stomach looks like when someone throws a pebble into a lake.

For her crimes, Suri Cruise should have her eyelids taped open and be forced to watch every episode of Dawson’s Creek.

Katie Holmes modified her grandma’s one-piece for an updated look and headed down to her hotel pool in Miami, Florida to teach Suri how to swim. These pictures sucked. Especially with that big sun hat on top of her head. Even Suri looked sexier than her. Wait… That came out wrong.

In January, Star published a cover that implied Katie Holmes had a drug problem but it was really a Scientology treatment which had no basis in reality. I believe they were referring to were E-meter readings.

Anyway, Katie sued Star for $50 million because the cover was blatantly misleading. Naturally, she won and Star publicly apologized to Katie Holmes.

In a recent issue of Star, we published headlines about Katie Holmes that could be read to suggest that she was addicted to drugs. Star did not intend to suggest that Ms. Holmes was a drug addict or was undergoing treatment for a drug addiction. Star apologizes to Ms. Holmes for any misperception and will be making a substantial donation to charity on Ms. Holmes’ behalf for any harm that we may have caused.

Well, I don’t see how it could not be intentionally misleading. You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to realize putting “Katie Holmes Drug Shocker!” would lead people to believe she was addicted to real drugs but whatever. At least Star is sorry. Sort of. They’re sorry in that Katie Holmes misunderstood. On account of what an idiot she is. Geez, get some reading comprehension skills little missy.

A while back, photos were taken of Suri Cruise with a box of penis gummies in her hand. Presumably because the package promised fruity flavored penis gummies. Who wouldn’t want some? Anyway, a few people wondered why Katie Holmes would be giving her kid R. Kelly training candy at such a young age. Katie went on Ellen to explain. In an episode airing Friday, she said:

“Recently, I took [Suri] to get ice cream in New York at this place called Serendipity that we go to all the time. It’s for kids. The clientele is children,” explains the actress, who plays Jackie Kennedy in the new ReelzChannel miniseries The Kennedys. “We go in and we are waiting for a table and she grabs some gummies that are boy part gummies. I was horrified.”

Continued Holmes sheepishly: “P-e-n-i-s gummies. I said, oh wow those aren’t Swedish fish. . . They are called p-e-n-i-s gummies and they look like it.”

Holmes spotted the controversy immediately. “She was holding the box and I was like ‘OK, wow we don’t need that right now.’ Because I thought if I said ‘Put that back,’ and then she’s going to say, ‘What is this?’ And I really didn’t want to have that conversation.”

The Dawson’s Creek alum was upset that Serendipity was even selling such a raunchy treat. “I was like, why are selling these here? This is for kids. And then it was on the cover of a magazine that I’m giving her those gummies!”

“I was like, ‘Oh my god, no.’ We put them back.”

Tom Cruise later went back and bought a few and stuffed as many penises in his mouth as he could. “Uggmmmmgloarg,” he moaned in ecstasy. Afterward, he opened a box and ate some gummies to cool off. Easy Tom Cruise joke done.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes attended the premiere of Katie’s The Kennedys at the Goldwyn Theater in Beverly Hills yesterday. Kennedys was dropped by Starz but picked up by Reelz Channel. Katie was off-leash and didn’t even have the look of fear in her eye! But she still wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone.

Adam Sandler: “Hey guys, wouldn’t it be funny if I dressed up as a woman for my next movie?”

Writers: “You mean like the Wayans brothers, Eddie Murphy and Tyler Perry?”

Adam Sandler: “No, but this time with a white guy.”

Writers: “Like Robin Williams?”

Adam Sandler: “Shut up.”

Studio: “Greenlit!”

Tom Cruise feels old age nipping at his heels so he does what any rational man would do. He steal his wife’s makeup. The National Enquirer says Cruise is “so pretty” that he raids Katie’s stash of makeup and beauty supplies. Tom even uses Katie’s foundation before public events and lightly applies mascara to make his eyelashes look fuller.

“Tom is in major midlife crisis mode,” revealed a source.

“He’s freaking out over the new lines on his face, the gray hairs on his head and on his face when he shaves.

“He has started applying Katie’s high-priced facial creams, cleansers and even her makeup – and he loves the results!”

Tom has become a daily user of Katie’s pricey cosmetics, including a face cream that retails for $320. He also uses the same facial masks she uses on a daily basis, say insiders.

Tom should be a spokesperson for Maybelline. Their new tag line could be, “Maybe he’s born with it. Maybe it’s the Maybelline he steals from his wife when she’s not looking. Coughgaycough.”

Here’s a first look of Katie Holmes as Jackie O from the poster for History Channel’s The Kennedys that leaked yesterday. She looks, um, like Katie Holmes in a wig. In other words, Jackie O’s doppelganger.

By do it, I mean dance to “Whatever Lola Wants.” What did you think I meant? You thought I meant… with a woman… hahahaha. That’s a good one. No. Tom and Katie danced for charity at the Fine Romance benefit gala at 20th Century Fox on Saturday.

Tom pretended to enjoy the touch of a woman while Katie pretended to not be Tom’s high-priced beard.

Despite wild speculation of Scientologists prepping her womb, maternity attire and a suspicious visit to the doctor’s office, reps for Katie Holmes say she isn’t pregnant. Obviously Tom Cruise is still traumatized from the first time he had to put his penis in her vagina.

Katie Holmes pissed off an entire theater of hormonal teenage girls when she and her girlfriends talked incessantly throughout a screening of New Moon.

“Katie came into the movie theater with two of her girlfriends in a great mood,” sources tell Fox411. “They bought tickets in advance to see ‘New Moon’ like all the rest of the Twihards. They checked out the snacks and then they took their seats and kept talking.”

All that would have seemed rather normal, except for the fact that they kept on gabbing throughout the entire film!

“Katie talked through all of ‘New Moon.’ It was unbelievable – they talked nonstop about the movie and everything else. Some people wanted to tell them to be quiet, but when they realized who it was, they stayed silent. No one wanted to shush Katie.”

I hate it when people do this during movies. It pisses me off. Like, this one time I was watching Blue Crush and the family behind me kept on saying “ugh”, “don’t look, kids” or “put your pants on”. Suffice to say, I could barely maintain my erection much less finish masturbating.

Suri Cruise was spotted Monday rocking a pair of stylish high heel shoes while shopping in Boston. It would have been the picture of perfection had her haggard, brain-washed mother not joined her for the festivities. And by perfection, I’m referring to the perfect example Suri is setting for young strippers in the making across the world. Suri paired her fancy kicks with a three-tiered ruffle skirt and pink shirt. Congratulations, three-year-old, you’re well on your way to being the woman your father always wished he could be.

[Us, Daily Mail]