And this isn’t your bs nude but covered. This is breasts hanging out, stop the animal killing nude. Past PETA ads with Pamela Anderson had me strangling a chinchilla and then skinning it in under a minute. Ads with pretty people like Joanna Krupa gave me pause and I only throttled the furry things. This ad with a topless Keeley Hazell has me seriously considering taking off this fresh deer skin that I’m wearing. NSFW ads below.

If you’re stumped on a costume idea, then do what Keeley Hazell did and show your tits. Trust me, you’ll win first prize at every party you go to.

Here’s Keeley Hazell standing next to a few statues in a bikini promoting Lynx. Wow, this isn’t creepy at all. Lynx needs to rethink their marketing strategy. When I think of this fragrance, seductive, sultry and pleasant thoughts should pop into my head like kittens on rainbows or 6 piece chicken nuggets for $1. I shouldn’t be scared out of my mind, peeing my pants and looking for the nearest bat to defend myself against these terrifying, chocolate-y boy statues that look like they’re about to murder me.

Keeley Hazell is a topless model (read: cocktease) from the UK so I expect that when I see pictures of her, she be topless or about to be topless or have a big octopus stuck to her face. But, in these pictures she is neither of these things. She’s dancing around a pole. Maypole? This is not sexy. Therefore, I am not happy. When I wake up in the morning, I want to be sporting wood; not surfing through Wikipedia trying to figure out what kind of GD dance a clothed topless model is doing.

Homer Simpson filled in for Jay Leno last night and performed his own opening monologue. It was alright. But, what’s better than alright is that Keeley Hazell showed up to the UK premiere of The Simpsons and posed next to her own character. Crazy, it looks way better than the one I made of her which is just collected hair glued onto some popsicle sticks. The boobs on it are real though! No, no they’re not. They’re just two beans. Sigh.

I got off my lazy ass and looked up Arena magazine. Apparently it’s an edgier FHM / Maxim in England. Which explains why topless model turned unwilling pornstar Keeley Hazell is in it. Whatever happened to that porn tape anyway. I’ve never been less turned on by a hot chick giving head. I’ve made better videos with my dolls. Unlike Keeley, Raggedy Anne understands angles and doesn’t break the fourth wall.

That Keeley Hazell porn tape was terrible. No action, no nothing. Yea, so that was last week, maybe two weeks ago, but I thought these pictures would make up for it. Is Keeley this generation’s Pamela Anderson? Possibly, except for one key difference. I can look at her face without wanting to karate chop her adam’s apple. More after the jump.

I’m gone for a couple of days and this happens?! Page 3 superstar Keeley Hazell had her sex tape released. As far as sex tapes go, I give this a 7. Let me break it down for you. It starts out promising at a 9 when Keeley Hazell’s mouth meets someone’s penis. Then I noticed the sound is messed up which brings it down to a 6. But unless Keeley was the one making noise, then I don’t actually care about sound which brought the score to an 8. I’m not sure how long the oral part took, but it carried the 8 through.

Then it sort of went downhill from there. The video scored a 4 after the camera was readjusted. Why a 4? Well, unless you’re turned on by an empty bed and a couple of limbs, then believe me it’s a 4. I assume at that point they were having sex, but I never found out because this cruel joke lasted till the end. So, how’d I end up with a final score of 7? Easy. +3 because it’s a Keeley Hazell sex tape. Some asshole could have spliced in one of those scary faces that pop out and scream at you and I still would have orgasmed.

See the full version here (NSFW of course).

I think I seriously fugged up the page today. Rosie O’Donnell, Elizabeth Hurley, Kate Moss, Paris/Nicky Hilton and Nicole Richie? I’d rather fall face first into a bear trap than pop an erection to these girls. Keeley Hazell on the other hand. Rawr. Rainbows could be shooting out of a pink unicorn’s ass and it still would not be as magical as Keeley Hazell in her pop art shoot. NSFW so don’t blame me when you get turned on. Unlike Kate Moss, I had to blur 70% of the photo to make it SFW. Click the banner pic for a bigger version of that one.