Kelly Brook is in Cannes doing photoshoots right now. This one being in a phone booth for I don’t know what. All I have to say is: I can see why this guy offered her $1 million to sleep with him and then begged like a pathetic dork when she tried to get away. I would have done the same thing. Except I would have been more convincing. A picture of her family gagged and bound may have done the trick.

Kelly Brook is gorgeous so I’d expect rich foreign businessman regularly offer her a million dollars to sleep with them as was the case here.

During a photocall at the Majestic Barriere hotel, a French businessman, only known as Frederic, interrupted the photo session to hit on Kelly Brook. He offered her a $1 million check in return for a one night stand.

At first, Brook thought she was being pranked by Lemon, whose film she’s promoting at Cannes, because no one can be thaaat pathetic. But then the 30-something Frederic kept hassling her and then tried to grab her shouting, “Just one night! Please, one night! I have money!”

That’s when Kelly realized this wasn’t a joke. A bodyguard came, escorted the man away and kicked him out of the hotel.

Geez, man. Have some dignity. Stare at her from outside her bedroom window at night like the rest of us. At least offer her more than $1M. That’s a slap in the face right there.

Guys, I know Dick Clark’s death shocked you but I have even bigger news. Kelly Brook. Has a Tumblr. Wait, hold those gasps. Ready for this? And it’s filled with pictures of her in bikinis. I know, I know. When I first found out, my eyes filled with tears too.

Bar Refaeli plays tennis in her underwear
Apparently to promote lingerie line called Under Me which may be the greatest clothing line name ever.

Emily VanCamp for Flare Canada
This Canadian chick is from Revenge. I’ve never seen it so that must mean it’s terrible. Anyway, she told FLARE, “Coming from a small town in Canada, it was not something that ever came naturally to me, this whole dressing up thing. I used to really envy the girls who could just throw something together so beautifully because I had no concept of how to do that…It’s taking what makes you feel comfortable and bumping it up a notch.” Adding, “Look at me now, I’m a hot b**ch.” Just kidding. Or am I?

Kate Walsh for Shape
Kate Walsh said she felt “healthy, confident and sexy” enough to go naked on the cover of Shape. She added, “I’m enjoying my 40s and wanted to share that. Is it a midlife crisis? I do drive a Porsche, so maybe it is!” Oh, well look at little rich girl over here with her fancy Porsche.

Rebecca Romijn for Fitness
Rebecca Romijn tells Fitness that losing the 60 pounds of baby weight she gained was a struggle. She actually had to start working out. Christina Aguilera continues reading with profound sadness.

Emma Robertson making faces in the Vanity Fair Oscar Photobooth
Jesus christ, this chick has huge eyes.

Kendall Jenner for White Sands Australia Look Book
Apparently Kendall Jenner is still trying to make this modeling thing happen. She recently did a shoot for swimwear company White Sands Australia for their Spring 2012 look book. When she finished, Kris Jenner tented her fingers and muttered, “Exxxccellent.”

Kelly Brook models Reebok Easytones
It’s not easy modeling shoes. Unless you have a fantastic ass like Kelly Brook.

Elizabeth Olsen in Glamour UK
Elizabeth Olsen tells Glamour UK that she went through a second-hand-only phase when she was 16 and only long skirts and cardigans when she was 18 but now she dresses normally, not like her weird sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Kate Upton for Muse
You get one SI Swimsuit cover and now everyone wants to see you naked.

Kelly Brook is in a new advertisement for her New Look underwear range. The promos for it are just her in her underwear. As it should be. What did you expect? A burka?

Anyway, Brook tells Now magazine that she thinks girls should embrace their body and push up their tits as high as they can. Did I mention I really like Kelly Brook as a role model? She’s also collected Agent Provocateur underwear since she was 19, wears Victoria Secret bras and has a rainbow collection of Costella thongs.

Kelly confesses that she sleeps without pjs opting to wear only a spritz of her own signature scent. As for keeping in shape. Kelly walks every where, goes to steam rooms and has “plenty of sex.”

It’s like someone ran my personality through a computer program and told her everything to say to make me fall in love with her.

All hail the new queen, Kelly Brook. Adrianne Curry had her time in the spotlight as winner of Twitter but now it’s time for her to step aside because Kelly Brook just shoved her off the podium into a pool of Jell-O and declared herself #1.

Kelly Brook, who isn’t yet verified, wanted to prove to a follower it was really her updating @IAMKELLYBROOK. And what better way than an Instagram shot of herself half-naked in her bathroom?

If I was Twitter, I wouldn’t verify her just yet. I’d ask to see more proof. Maybe a full frontal pic perhaps. For Twitter verification purposes of course. They, uh, need to run some complex algorithms. You wouldn’t understand, Kelly Brook. Just go with it.

• Alexander Skarsgard wants you to know something. [The Superficial]
• Peter Andre’s girlfriend has been secretly revealed. [Holy Moly]
• Jennifer Lopez is looking to bang all these actors. [Celebitchy]
• Good news. That bag of antlers, LeAnn Rimes, is not in a bikini. [Hollywood Rag]
• I’m not sure going topless really highlights the panties you’re trying to sell. [Yeeeah]
• Kerstin Cook is good at modeling lingerie. [GCeleb]
• Here’s Juliette Lewis in a bikini. This is… decent. *Pushes puke bucket aside* [Evil Beet]
• That god damn hippie Tom Brady cut his hair. [Busted Coverage]
• I don’t know who Pixie Lott is but she looks decent in a dress. [MoeJackson]

I have some very exciting news for you. Kelly Brook is still in Italy and changed into a different color bikini. Also, she bent over. This Friday is starting out great.

Kelly Brook went for a dip in Ischia, Italy in a fantastic looking two piece. She’s been looking great for years and she hasn’t even let her miscarriage bring her down. Don’t fret, Kelly Brook. I won’t let Mother Nature screw you over like this. I’ll slap that b**ch in the face and put a uterus inside me so I can have your children. One way or another, I’m getting you those babies even if I have to go to the hospital and steal them again.

The good news is Kelly Brook is going to look great in a bikini now. The bad news is that’s only because she suffered a miscarriage. Shoot. I’m going to hell aren’t I? When is the hand basket leaving?

On March 16, Kelly announced her pregnancy with rugby player Thom Evans on Twitter. Last night her spokesman Jonathan Hackford told The Sun: “I can confirm that Kelly and Thom have very sadly lost their baby. They request that everyone please respects their privacy at this very painful time and there will be no further comment.”

A source said, “Kelly is absolutely devastated.” Obvious source is obvious. They went on to say that the baby wasn’t planned but she was thrilled about having a little girl. Now she’s inconsolable as anybody would be.

Thank god I’ll never have to experience this tragedy since the only way I can even get remotely pregnant is if I steal a baby from the hospital and stuff it up my butt.

The bad news is Kelly Brook is pregnant. The good news is there’s a whole cache of Kelly Brook bikini pictures from before she was pregnant that magazines have slowly trickled out during her pregnancy. The latest is from Esquire who have an amazing shot of Kelly in a tiny bikini. Seriously. Her breasts take up half her body. If she had to fill out survey about her race, she’d have to check other and write in 1/2 white, 1/2 boobs.

Kelly Brook’s spread in Max magazine is like one last hurrah before her body starts changing to make room for that parasite growing inside her womb. Pretty soon she’ll be all fat and pregnant. Doctors should find a way to make kids grow outside of the womb. I’m no scientist, but I’ve grown a lima bean inside a plastic bag in first grade once and I’m pretty sure the same principle applies here.

Here’s a very NSFW photoshoot from Exhibition Magazine featuring a completely naked Kelly Brook covered in nothing but smeared lipstick. She’s very attractive. But she has pointy elbows. I wouldn’t have sex with her. Just kidding. I would. Many times. Even after my penis went numb.

Also, if you haven’t rented Piranha 3D and watched the scene where Kelly and Riley Steele swim naked in the water, then you probably should do that right now. NSFW pictures start here.