Kelly Brook is in a new advertisement for her New Look underwear range. The promos for it are just her in her underwear. As it should be. What did you expect? A burka?

Anyway, Brook tells Now magazine that she thinks girls should embrace their body and push up their tits as high as they can. Did I mention I really like Kelly Brook as a role model? She’s also collected Agent Provocateur underwear since she was 19, wears Victoria Secret bras and has a rainbow collection of Costella thongs.

Kelly confesses that she sleeps without pjs opting to wear only a spritz of her own signature scent. As for keeping in shape. Kelly walks every where, goes to steam rooms and has “plenty of sex.”

It’s like someone ran my personality through a computer program and told her everything to say to make me fall in love with her.

All hail the new queen, Kelly Brook. Adrianne Curry had her time in the spotlight as winner of Twitter but now it’s time for her to step aside because Kelly Brook just shoved her off the podium into a pool of Jell-O and declared herself #1.

Kelly Brook, who isn’t yet verified, wanted to prove to a follower it was really her updating @IAMKELLYBROOK. And what better way than an Instagram shot of herself half-naked in her bathroom?

If I was Twitter, I wouldn’t verify her just yet. I’d ask to see more proof. Maybe a full frontal pic perhaps. For Twitter verification purposes of course. They, uh, need to run some complex algorithms. You wouldn’t understand, Kelly Brook. Just go with it.

• Alexander Skarsgard wants you to know something. [The Superficial]
• Peter Andre’s girlfriend has been secretly revealed. [Holy Moly]
• Jennifer Lopez is looking to bang all these actors. [Celebitchy]
• Good news. That bag of antlers, LeAnn Rimes, is not in a bikini. [Hollywood Rag]
• I’m not sure going topless really highlights the panties you’re trying to sell. [Yeeeah]
• Kerstin Cook is good at modeling lingerie. [GCeleb]
• Here’s Juliette Lewis in a bikini. This is… decent. *Pushes puke bucket aside* [Evil Beet]
• That god damn hippie Tom Brady cut his hair. [Busted Coverage]
• I don’t know who Pixie Lott is but she looks decent in a dress. [MoeJackson]

I have some very exciting news for you. Kelly Brook is still in Italy and changed into a different color bikini. Also, she bent over. This Friday is starting out great.

Kelly Brook went for a dip in Ischia, Italy in a fantastic looking two piece. She’s been looking great for years and she hasn’t even let her miscarriage bring her down. Don’t fret, Kelly Brook. I won’t let Mother Nature screw you over like this. I’ll slap that b**ch in the face and put a uterus inside me so I can have your children. One way or another, I’m getting you those babies even if I have to go to the hospital and steal them again.

The good news is Kelly Brook is going to look great in a bikini now. The bad news is that’s only because she suffered a miscarriage. Shoot. I’m going to hell aren’t I? When is the hand basket leaving?

On March 16, Kelly announced her pregnancy with rugby player Thom Evans on Twitter. Last night her spokesman Jonathan Hackford told The Sun: “I can confirm that Kelly and Thom have very sadly lost their baby. They request that everyone please respects their privacy at this very painful time and there will be no further comment.”

A source said, “Kelly is absolutely devastated.” Obvious source is obvious. They went on to say that the baby wasn’t planned but she was thrilled about having a little girl. Now she’s inconsolable as anybody would be.

Thank god I’ll never have to experience this tragedy since the only way I can even get remotely pregnant is if I steal a baby from the hospital and stuff it up my butt.

The bad news is Kelly Brook is pregnant. The good news is there’s a whole cache of Kelly Brook bikini pictures from before she was pregnant that magazines have slowly trickled out during her pregnancy. The latest is from Esquire who have an amazing shot of Kelly in a tiny bikini. Seriously. Her breasts take up half her body. If she had to fill out survey about her race, she’d have to check other and write in 1/2 white, 1/2 boobs.

Kelly Brook’s spread in Max magazine is like one last hurrah before her body starts changing to make room for that parasite growing inside her womb. Pretty soon she’ll be all fat and pregnant. Doctors should find a way to make kids grow outside of the womb. I’m no scientist, but I’ve grown a lima bean inside a plastic bag in first grade once and I’m pretty sure the same principle applies here.

Here’s a very NSFW photoshoot from Exhibition Magazine featuring a completely naked Kelly Brook covered in nothing but smeared lipstick. She’s very attractive. But she has pointy elbows. I wouldn’t have sex with her. Just kidding. I would. Many times. Even after my penis went numb.

Also, if you haven’t rented Piranha 3D and watched the scene where Kelly and Riley Steele swim naked in the water, then you probably should do that right now. NSFW pictures start here.

Where would this world be without Kelly Brook in a bikini? Probably in a cold, dank cave in the mountains stewing in its own filth because it never found the motivation to invent the computer and then the internet to find pictures like these. We should really be thanking Kelly Brook for pulling us out of the Stone Age.

For Him Magazine manages to live up to its name this month. Not only do they have Diora Baird and, to a much lesser extent, Olivia Munn on their covers, they also have Kelly Brook on not one, but two of their covers.

Kelly is in FHM Spain and FHM Australia making these two places twice as sexy. I’m surprised all the erections in Spain and Australia haven’t combined into one Voltron-ish penis visible from space.

More Kelly Brook here.

I’ve been saying this ever since I watched Captain EO at Disneyland when I was 8. If we don’t put boobies in 3D on the big screen, the terrorists will have won. With Kelly Brook in the new Piranha 3D, it looks like we’re finally doing something about those cowards.

Kelly Brook is attractive and she gets naked in Piranha 3D so of course she had to show up for the premiere. She must have been contractually obligated to. Just like I’m contractually obligated to never go within 500 feet of Victoria Justice. I believe it’s called the “restraining order clause” in my contract. Whatever that means.