Kelly Clarkson tells USA Today that she’s never been in love and has yet to find that special someone to open up to. Although it’s a mystery why. You’d think her love of telling men off would have every guy banging at her door.

“I’ve never been in love,” Clarkson, 29, told USA Today. “I’ve never experienced certain things, and I think that’s because I have this side of me that is shut off. Because I haven’t found anybody yet to open to that I feel like, ‘Okay, you’re worth breaking down that wall for.’ I’ve never found that.”

She goes on to say, “Obviously it’s really hard to date when I’m on four different continents in a week. Even if I do meet a great guy, I ain’t ever gonna see him. There’s only so much you can do with Skype!”

Speaking about the song “Mr. Know It All,” off her upcoming album, “Stronger,” the singer said, “I can’t wait to perform it. It’s everything I am as a woman and a singer. I love telling men off!” NY Daily News

Never been in love? Oh, really, Kelly Clarkson. I find that hard to believe. *Eyes a McRib in the corner*

Are you serious, Kelly Clarkson? A salad? At this stage in the game? Is this supposed to be ironic? Like when morbidly obese people buy running shoes. Level with me. You’re going to top that off with M&M’s and Oreo crumbs, aren’t you? And instead of light ranch dressing, you’re going to use hot fudge and caramel? Don’t worry. You can tell me. I won’t judge. Well, I will. But not to your face.

The Self cover featuring an alternate reality version of Kelly Clarkson where she’s thin and attractive is garnering a lot of criticism. Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of the magazine, decided to respond.

Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand.

So… Kelly’s personal best is to be 30 pounds lighter with a completely different bone structure? That’s good to know that right now she’s a failure. I wonder how she feels about that. Pretty good, I bet.

I mean, it’s not even the same person on the cover which is what makes the comment “truest we have ever put out there” so laughable. Are they honestly trying to convince themselves of that? You could put Porky Pig in place of Kelly Clarkson and it’d still be the “truest” they’ve ever put on the cover. Who are we fooling here? Let’s be honest. We all know what they Photoshopped out. The drumstick in her hand and a layer of chicken grease over her mouth. But there’s nothing wrong with that. Leave it in. Everyone already accepts her for being a fatass.

Kelly Clarkson is like one of those bears that haven’t been fed for a month and are suddenly let out of their cage to perform only to attack the first thing they see. Here she is on Good Morning America turning on her trainer. They eventually tased her and got her to sing. Here she is right after they calmed her down. You can see the hunger in her eyes as she debates whether or not to go for the audience. It was a tense moment for all, but luckily it all worked out in the end.

Here’s Kelly Clarkson performing at KISS FM’s Wango Tango. Want to see a magic trick? I’ll make that microphone in Kelly’s hand disappear. The trick is to tell her it’s a hot dog.

In an interview with Blender magazine, Kelly Clarkson talks about peeing in the shower and “anybody who says they don’t is lying.” She also checks the tissue to see the color of her snot.

“I mean, if you have a cold, you have to check, to see how sick you are.”

I’ve been sitting here all day trying to figure out how Kelly Clarkson could appear more attractive. I was thinking she could gain a few more pounds and inject her lips with saline, but it looks like none of my ideas compare to what already is the case. I mean, hello, sexy. Welcome to Bonerville. Population: me.

Kelly goes on to explain that this oversharing she does is part of her charm.

“It’s not like people look at me as unattainable, some kind of star like that,” she told the April issue of the magazine. “People love the ‘real’ factor that’s involved, I think.”

That’s true. I guess. But, it’s like this. There’s a big difference between being told girls fart too and girls actually farting into their hand, cupping your face with it and telling you to “smell it, bitch.” Which is sort of what Kelly did here.

Also, I get this strange feeling that somewhere out there, R. Kelly is asking his publicist for Clarkson’s number.

Calm down. It's not an oversized ice cream cone.

News to me because I thought Kelly Clarkson was already pregnant for the past year and a half, but in an interview with USA Today, Clarkson says she has no desire to be a mother.

“I would not be a good mother. I mean, I love being an aunt to my niece and nephew. And I used to want to, like, adopt 10 kids — because I had friends who were adopted, and I thought that was the coolest thing, to be chosen. But again, my job is too selfish.”

Alright, that’s good to know, but what about the baby on the way? Zing!

Although, the real funny thing is, before she even sat down, she started apologizing for her puffy face.

“Do you know what it’s like when you’ve just woken up, and your lips are all huge and your face is swollen?” Clarkson asks. “Every time I talk, I keep licking my lips. They must look monstrous. I must look like a platypus.”

Oh, okay. Kelly must just “wake up” every time people take a picture of her. I think Kelly’s face is actually swollen because of all that chicken cooked in msg she eats every night and the reason she licks her lips every time she talks is because of the fond memories. I’m surprised she didn’t have to break for KFC while talking about this. Such restraint.

I’m beginning to think “My Life Would Suck Without You” was written about the dessert that got away. Like, there was a cart of pastries that was wheeled back to the kitchen before Kelly could grab the last one and she got sad and then wrote a song about it.

They could have saved a lot of time if they just held an open casting call for a brunette who somewhat resembles Kelly Clarkson and isn’t fat. I bet when artists showed the photos to Kelly for final approval, she looked up from her bucket of KFC and started crying.

Kelly Clarkson waddled the red carpet of Clive Davis’ pre-Grammy party. And why wouldn’t she? There was the promise of free food. That’s how I got Kelly to perform at my birthday party. As soon as I mentioned cake, she put her finger to my lips to silence me and asked, “Ice cream cake?” Well, uh, yea. I guess it’s ice cream cake. Now.

Check out the header pic. How much you want to bet Kelly just saw someone drop a jelly donut?

According to Us Weekly (via MSNBC), “a source close to the star” says Kelly Clarkson loves walking around her house in the nude. It doesn’t matter if she’s alone, if her friends are around or even if her home is “filled with strangers for photo shoots or fittings.”

Why? “I just really like being naked,” the “American Idol” star tells visitors with an apologetic shrug, according to the magazine.

Um… If I was her friend and she did this (especially if she decided to bend over and load the dishwasher in front of me), I would run out of her house screaming hysterically and crying like I was just raped. And you could argue that technically, I was. Visually.

Years of research has led me to this shocking realization. Kelly Clarkson’s Since You’ve Been Gone isn’t about a guy. It’s about a donut.

And all you’d ever hear me say
Is how I pictured me with you
That’s all you’d ever hear me say

But since you’ve been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I’m so movin’ on
Yeah yeah
Thanks to you
Now I get
What I want
Since you’ve been gone

How much you want to bet that Kelly “can breathe for the first time” because pieces of the deep fried dough no longer get lodged in her throat?

Here she is singing in Sydney lamenting over her jelly donut.

Uh-uh sista, ‘dem my nachos!

25-year-old Kelly Clarkson reveals to CosmoGirl! magazine her struggle with weight after being passed up for a play in high school. Because of this, she became bulimic, but stopped after 6 months because she’s a quitter.

“I thought…If I came back and I’m cuter and thinner…then I’ll get the role.”

For six months, Clarkson was bulimic, until a friend discovered her problem. “One of my guy friends caught on to it, and I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed,” she tells the mag. “I literally went cold turkey and snapped out of it.”

As you can clearly see here, weight is no longer an issue for Kelly. Whew. Crisis averted.