Kelly Osbourne must have brittle bone syndrome because last month she cracked her head open then kept passing out. More recently, she posted on Twitter that she fell out of bed over the weekend and fractured her hand in 3 places. Her bed must be 5 feet high.

It was her left hand and she’s left-handed so now her mom has to “brush my hair and cut my food for me I feel like a baby again. Of course my mum is loving it!” Gee, her right hand must be a piece of limp, useless flesh if she can’t use it to do something as simple as brushing her hair. Celebrities are babies.

“The worst part,” she pointed out, “Is i permanently look like I’m giving everyone the thumbs up because of the way its casted! I look like such a tw**!”

Oh, so according to her, not much as changed since breaking her hand. Good to know.

Now that Kelly Osbourne is skinnier than Christina Aguilera (seriously, wtf?) she’s reveling in criticizing Aguilera’s weight. Mostly due to the fact that Aguilera allegedly called Kelly fat for some many years.

On E!’s Fashion Police on Friday, Osbourne was back at it again slamming Aguilera and that outfit she wore during the Michael Jackson tribute concert.

“She called me fat for years,” Osbourne said. “I was never that fat.” Us Weekly

Kelly is right. Christina Aguilera looked terrible during that performance. She looked like a blonde Snooki. But Kelly was never that fat? Come on. Pot, I’d like you to meet your fatter pot self from four years ago. Sure, Christina looks like a wheezing Snooki now but you looked like the fat Pete Doherty.

Kelly Osbourne and Christina Aguilera aren’t exactly friendly. Maybe it’s because Christina called her fat or maybe it’s because she bought Kelly’s house. Maybe even a combination of both. Whatever the case, now that Christina looks like her diet consists of donuts and KFC, it was the perfect time for Kelly to respond in kind. From Us,

After Joan Rivers, 78, said Aguilera looked “stuffed into” a Givenchy LBD at an event in Munich, Germany last month (and likened her to “Snooki’s Scandinavian cousin”), Osbourne chimed in: “Maybe she is just becoming the fat bitch she was born to be. I don’t know. She was a c**t to me. And she bought my house!”

Osbourne’s digs at 30-year-old Aguilera’s fluctuating weight didn’t end there. “She called me fat for so many f***ing years,” Osbourne continued, “so you know what? F**k you! You’re fat too.”

One thing I admire about Kelly Osbourne is she calls it like she sees it and what she saw was a tubby mess squeezed into a tight dress. I mean, ugh, I can’t even stand to look at that picture of Christina up top. She looks like what would happen if Brooke Hogan stuck her man parts into Ashlee Simpson.

I know you don’t care about Kelly Osbourne. That’s it. There’s no “but”. I just want to torment you with news about her.

Just last year, a week after news that her engagement to Luke Worrall was over, Kelly Osbourne came home to find her dog, Woody, a Pomeranian puppy, dead.

Now her other Pomeranian puppy, Noodles, has also died. She tweeted on Tuesday, “My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why. I’m taking her to see a specialist two hours away for a brain scan.” The scan showed swelling in the brain. “She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just can’t believe it.”

One puppy dead from a mysterious illness is bad luck but two? Someone should look into this. What the hell is going on in that house? Was she undressing in front of it? Because that would make anything’s brain swell and go into a seizure.

On the anniversary of Kurt Cobain’s death (April 5), Jared Leto released a video of him dressing up and playing the Nirvana front man. The short was made when Jared heard they were making a Kurt Cobain biopic. Jared wanted to “explore creative possibilities.”

I heard today was the day Kurt passed away 17 years ago. Can’t believe it’s been that long. So grateful for his contribution and inspiration. Not sure I’d be doing this if it weren’t for him. He gave us all permission to create no matter what our skill set and reminded me that dreams are possible. Thanks for that. This made me recall a short piece of film I shot when I heard they were making a film celebrating his life. I made it to explore the character and explore creative possibilities. I never sent it to the studio or to anyone but thought I’d share it now…

Meanwhile, Courtney Love celebrated Kurt Cobain’s anniversary by not shorting his ashes and getting into a fight with Kelly Osbourne. Osbourne jokingly called Love a crackhead to which Courtney responded: “This girl I know, Kelly Osbourne, I’ve saved her life twice,” ranted Love. “I’ve done CPR, I’ve put things in her boobs. [She was on] Oxycontin, cocaine, foaming at the mouth.” At least we know that quote is authentic. No one can incoherently ramble quite like Courtney Love.

Taylor Momsen was dropped as the face of Madonna and her daughter Lourdes Leon’s fashion line for Macy’s because she flashed her tits and ass too much. Which is total bs. That’s classist!

Anyway, they brought in Kelly Osbourne as the new face of their line because they’re sadists. From PEOPLE:

In her ads as the new face of Madonna and daughter Lourdes Leon’s clothing line, Material Girl, Kelly Osbourne is showing off her colorful side — and both Kelly and Lourdes are talking to PEOPLE about their fashion favorites for the upcoming spring season. “The military jacket. I love that and I put it with a bunch of badges on it to make it my own, too,” Leon said recently, whereas Osbourne points to the accessories. “The shoes–there’s a pair of nude heels that I’m really obsessed with,” Osbourne gushed. “There’s so much stuff in it that’s so me and what I wear. There’s a leopard dress that I get to wear next that I’m excited about. I love prints,” she said.

Wow. So Kelly Osbourne instead of Taylor Momsen, huh? Why don’t you just punch me in the balls and get it over with.

In April 2010, Madonna performed a brick laying ceremony in Chinkhota Village where she planned to build an all girls school to educate future doctors and lawyers called Raising Malawi Academy for Girls. Coincidentally, a couple months later her adoption of Mercy James was approved.

This month, Madonna announced she was scrapping plans for the school and instead, building secondary schools elsewhere in the country. Malawi’s education minister Peter Mutharika said, “As a government, we’d be interested to know why there is a change.” Looks like Madonna and Michael Lohan went to the same school of bribery.

Besides, Madonna has more important things to devote her time and money to. Like her and her daughter’s Material Girl fashion line. Did you know Kelly Osbourne was chosen as the new face after they fired Taylor Momsen? That seems like a step down. Kelly Osbourne looks like a bobble head. If you shook her around a few times, her big melon of a skull would keep bouncing up and down for a good five minutes.

See how easy it was to forget about that Malawi school? “Malawi what?,” you’re probably asking yourselves.

Kelly Osbourne broke up with her pale, blond boyfriend Luke Worrall back in July. He allegedly cheated on her.

Late Monday, Kelly went on a Twitter rant about her ex. The tweets have since been deleted but the internet never forgets.

- @Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of shit he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him mean while he has been

- Fucking 100′s of girls as we as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of @Luke_worral he is a using Cunt!

- He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did!

- He is the worst thing that ever happened to me I don’t give a fuck what happens to him anymore

- Iam and always will be 2 good 4 @luke_worrall darling ur pretty face will only get you so far because u don’t have the brains to back it up

- Dont think I have ever felt so stupid he made a fool of me going to be off Twitter for a while never felt heart brake like this in my life

Luke @MissKellyO’d, “lies on twitter awesome.”

Wait. Back up a second. 100′ s of girls? Really? No way. The guy looks like he hasn’t seen the light of day in centuries. Is his pick-up line, “Hey, smell this rag dipped in chloroform”?

Kelly Osbourne got real skinny recently and tweeted this photo to show off her dramatic weight loss. Coincidentally, Kelly was invited to perform with the Pussycat Dolls at the Viper Room in LA. Osbourne performed with Carmen Electra and Mya, two of her cast mates on DWTS. This was something that probably wouldn’t have happened if she was still thwomping around LA huffing and puffing.

I like the message that this is sending to impressionable young girls. Hollywood hates fatties and loves skinny chicks. Can we get that printed on a postcard or something?

Kelly Osbourne has entered rehab for the second (third, fourth?) time to treat whatever addiction she’s suffering from. Experts believe it’s related to food and the shoveling of it in her mouth. Sharon Osbourne confirmed to Radar Online that Kelly is in a facility outside of the L.A. area alluding to the fact that it’s only slightly less cushy than the ones inside the L.A. area. Probably doesn’t even have a 108 inch plasma.

Sharon added, “What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it.”

Rehab for celebrities is great. A 30 day getaway from a life of doing nothing. It must be hard walking aimlessly around town day in and day out. So hard that one has to turn to drugs and or alcohol for an escape. Kelly will be the first to tell you. Not everyone is able to do what she does which is wave to the paparazzi every day. It’s a tough job. Eventually her arms get tired and she has to go to plan B: smile and violently shake her body forcing her limp wrist to wave from the hip. Genius. Most people don’t even have a plan B!

Kelly Osbourne turned herself in to the police. She was charged with “common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of August 29, 2008.” Kelly supposedly slapped Zoe Griffin at Punk nightclub because she made fun of her fiancé, Luke Worrall, for not knowing what an earthquake was. Hint: It’s what Kelly sets off every times she rolls out of bed. Kelly told Zoe:

“I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.”

Kelly was released on bail and has a court date in March. Until then, she will continue lumbering around London casually terrorizing residents like the pasty white dog-eating monster that she is.

Verne Troyer tried to “seduce” Kelly Osbourne on NYE. Verne sent Kelly “several tequila shots” over the course of the evening. All of them were sent back, of course, because Kelly was partying with her boyfriend Luke Worrall. And also because she had one of those fancy GHB detectors. Those kids and their gadgets.

Female First adds that he ended up “riding his scooter around the club before tearing up the dance floor alongside Rihanna and Chris Brown.” They probably didn’t know he was there and punted him once or twice. Well, the first time by accident, the second time because Verne was humping Rihanna’s leg.

At the end of the day, Verne still managed to run up a $7,000 tab and had to be carried out by his bodyguard so it wasn’t a total loss.

All in all, this was an eventful night for the little guy. Although, clubs have asked to him to please stop hiding in the punch bowl and scaring people. That prank is getting old and pretty much ruins the punch.

[Verne Troyer leaving the T-mobile afterparty with a girl on his motor scooter back in August. Image via Splash News]

Axl Rose made an appearance at a Hollywood Party and it sounds like he took a real shine to Kelly Osbourne. According to New York designer Richie Rich, Axl made a pass at Kelly. Well, it wasn’t so much as a pass as it was a predatory overture.

“He was really weird with her,” said the Heatherette fashionista at a party for the launch of the new Tide and Downy Total Care washing liquid. “He kept leering at her and saying, “I want to f*** you!”

This is Kelly Osbourne, not Kelly Brook. Was Axl simply confused or has these 10+ years of working on Chinese Democracy and having the FBI raid bloggers caused a psychotic break? Because I have a list of things I’d rather do before I would fuck Kelly Osbourne. One of them is “kill myself.” Another is “kill myself again.”