Jimmy Kimmel debuted his new workout system as part of his Hottie Body Hump Club and I can’t believe it took this long for me to find out about this. Kimmel brings out all the big hitters, Scarlett Johansson, Minka Kelly, Jessica Biel, Jessica Alba, Sofia Vargas, Emiliy Blunt and Kelly Ripa and tricks them into humping a ball. Apparently it’s a great workout system if you’re not forced to do it at gunpoint.

My favorite was Jessica Alba. Only because with her I wouldn’t be the only one crying during sex. Also, Jessica Biel scares me. If I ever had sex with her, I’d make sure there was a safe word.

Regis Philbin’s retirement announcement last week that blindsided Kelly Ripa may have been more about money than about the icy hand of death slowly leading him to the afterlife.

Rob Shuter of Popeater says Regis, who makes between $18 to $20 million a year as reported by TMZ, was insulted when ABC wanted him to take a paycut during contract negotiations. So he quit and fired his agent on his way out. Why did they want him to take a paycut? Because he’s old and unlovable, of course. The general feeling from ABC is Regis doesn’t hold the star power he once did and he’s finally gone senile if he thinks he can make the same amount on another network.

“Regis was insulted by the offer he got and chose to leave, blaming his agent on his way out,” a television exec tells me. “The problem is the world has changed around this legend. Regis thinks he’s being pushed out for someone they can pay peanuts to. The problem is if he thinks he’s going to get anywhere near that sort of money doing another show he should think again.”

“The writing was on the wall when Regis got sick and the show’s ratings did not decline,” my source says. “When it came time to renegotiate his contract again, the producers knew the show would survive with or without him and offered him way less than the multimillions he had become accustomed to.”

“The show can definitely survive without Regis if they find Kelly the right new co-host,” an ABC exec tells me. “For some time they have been unofficially testing out potential replacements on the show. Neil Patrick Harris, Anderson Cooper and even Kelly’s husband, Mark, have filled in; yet no one was as good as Regis.”

To sum it up, boo-hoo, a multi-million dollar star isn’t happy with his new, much less but probably still multi-million dollar contract. I feel bad for Regis. I know how much it hurts to be told you’re now worth only $8 million a year when you used to be worth $20 million. Wait, no I don’t. F*ck you.

This latest photo of Kelly Ripa in a bikini pretty much ruined every cougar fantasy I had of her. She looks like a roided out Gollum with T-Rex arms and a tail for a bellybutton. It’s like she just surfaced from 20,000 leagues under the sea to terrorize man. Click through for a larger version.

[Image: Splash News]

Kelly Ripa was in Miami over the weekend where she put on a bikini and dazzled everyone with her hot abs and freaky bellybutton. What’s her kid doing swimming with his shirt on though? Does he have body image issues? The quickest way to resolve that is to strip him naked and throw him into the deep end. That’s how I overcame my fear of being shirtless in public and developed a natural distrust of people. I should write a parenting book.