For the second time this season, K-Fed’s body has shown the side-effects of his undying love for chocolate. While filming Excess Baggage, Australia’s answer to Celebrity Fit Club, K-Fed collapsed and was treated for symptoms of a minor cardiac arrest.

“During a challenge, the show’s medic was concerned that Kevin’s pulse rate was high so as a precautionary move, called an ambulance,” said a Fremantle Media spokesman.

“He was taken to Mt Druitt hospital where he is undergoing further tests.” Daily Telegraph

The “challenge” was a running and catching warm-up drill used by Australian Football League players. Asked why it did what it did, K-Fed’s heart looked up from its plate of ribs and said of the drill, “F**k that.”

I wasn’t sure what else to title this. In any case, the 33-year-old Kevin Federline fat-encased heart couldn’t take it anymore and he collapsed while filming Excess Baggage, the Australian version of Celebrity Fit Club.

A show rep tells E! News that their first shoot was in November in the Kimberley region in Outback Western Australia, which is “widely regarded as one of the most remote and hostile parts of the country,” and during the shoot, under advice from the show’s medic, Kevin was “taken to hospital as he was showing signs of heat stress.” E! Online

The official prognosis was heat exhaustion. On account of him being so fat. He’s more insulated than a bear in hibernation.

In shocking news of the day, professional penguin impersonator Keven Federline became a dad for the fifth time. Shocking because I thought the government had intervened and cut his tubes up with a Slap Chop.

Victoria Prince, K-Fed’s girlfriend, gave birth to a girl who they named Jordan Kay. Which makes her life a little easier because that already sounds like a porn name.

In April, Federline explained the name choice to Us: “[Victoria] said that if we were going to have a little girl, she wanted to name her Jordan. And then, we actually thought that it was a boy, but we stuck with the name Jordan because, you know, it fits both ways.”

“Fits both ways.” Sort of like what’s going to have to happen when she goes into the industry because of daddy issues. Amirite? High five!

Kevin Federline used to be married to Britney Spears. He essentially ruined Britney by putting two kids inside her. After they divorced, Kevin got fat. Real fat. He looked like Homer Simpson in that episode where he finds out grotesque obesity is a disability and then has to wear miu mius because nothing else fit him.

Point being, Kevin still looks like that. He looks like a penguin waddling to a fish bucket. He tries to hide his fat ass with an oversized shirt and capris but that trick rarely works. It just makes him look like Marlon Brando in his later years. It’s also extremely awkward when your friend and girlfriend are wearing short shorts and beaters while you inch along behind them trying to avoid a heart attack. I bet if he fell onto his back he wouldn’t be able to flip himself over. This must be karmic justice for Britney and Popo Zao.

By overeating. Mystery solved. Although, if you want to get into the psychology of it, then it was due to depression. The sadness of breaking up with Britney and her millions was too much to bear so he began a love affair with KFC.

“Everybody knows what happened with me and Brit,” he says. “I’m not going to say that’s the total cause of it but, I mean, just not being happy with myself was probably the main part of my depression.”

Now slimmed down thanks to his work on VH1′s Celebrity Fit Club: Boot Camp, Federline says his life is turning around, and that he now can be friends with Spears, 28, with whom he has two boys.

“I think as time goes on, it keeps getting better and better and better,” he tells Access Hollywood. “I mean, I’m really happy the way that my life is going right now, I really am. I think, you know, I have come a long way. All of us have…my whole family. It’s gotten so much better from where we were.”

When the interview ended, Kevin pointed to the ham and cheese sandwich at the crafts service table and asked, “Are you gonna eat that?”

High School Musical star and Celebrity Fit Club group leader, KayCee Stroh, is either very polite or a big fat liar. I’m going to go with a combination of the two because I’m feeling generous today. She spoke highly of Kevin Federline’s attitude towards Celebrity Fit Club, which has lead me to believe that KayCee is just as dumb as her name. She shared with E! Online,

“Kevin’s as cool as a cucumber. He keeps it all together. All the rest of us are sobbing like babies, but Kevin is pretty calm and collected.”

I’d be calm and collected too if I was financially set for life due to my personal sacrifice of marrying and repeatedly sleeping with an angry, hormonal, blonde rabid beast. Also, I’d like to congratulate KayCee on her healthy food analogy of Kevin’s behavior being “cool as a cucumber”. By opting for a more healthy reference, she staved off tempting thoughts of cows, swine, and lard. Which kind of means she staved off tempting thoughts of Kevin Federline. If only Britney could’ve done the same.

Kevin Federline skipped out on paying his last six months of rent and left a trail of chicken grease leading to his present whereabouts. The owners want over $100,000 in unpaid rent and damages to their apartment. TMZ released a list of Federline’s damages,

“- Gutters full of cigarette butts and empty beer bottles
- A broken beer dispenser on the barbecue island
- Permanent spit marks on exterior paint
- Broken light covers
- Bent light posts
- Broken tiles
- Dead trees and plants due to failure to water
- Drawings all over the walls
- A room that was turned into a studio (without the owners’ permission)
- Broken dishwasher … with broken baskets
- Dismantled smoke detectors
- Front driveway oil-leak damage
- Master bathroom windows tinted (without owners’ permission)”

Shocking. A man that can barely take care of himself doesn’t take care of his home. I wouldn’t be surprised if everything broken in that house is from morbidly-obese-eline rolling around like a hog in his pigsty and crushing everything in his wake. And the drawings all over the walls? Well that’s just from that night Britney stayed over.

Kevin Federline isn’t above cheating to win Celebrity Fit Club. After finding out that it was definite he was going to appear on the show, Kevin began “putting on even more weight on purpose” to make his weight loss even more dramatic. Turns out one of the side-effects of deliberately overeating is delusion.

“He thinks that if he goes on the show, loses a ton of weight, and seems really likeable, he’ll get more deals afterward,” the friend said. “The way he sees it, he could have another show after ‘Fit Club,’ and that would open the door to working on music again, maybe even a fashion line.”

Fatterline needs to take it one step at a time. Literally and figuratively. Before he begins work on his master plan, he has to first figure out how to walk three steps without wheezing, then clutching his heart and collapsing in pain.

Since he’s an opportunist, a rep for VH1 confirms that Kevin Federline has agreed to join Celebrity Fit Club. Kevin’s ex, Shar Jackson, will also be joining. As you may have noticed, Federline, who used to be a backup dancer, has ballooned up to 200+ pounds in recent months. The only dancing he does now are with his fingers across a fried chicken breast to try and seduce it into his mouth. That’ll all change with Celebrity Fit Club, however, when they trick him into running on a treadmill with a bacon wrapped Oreo attached to a rope and stick.

In addition to being talentless, annoying, a douchebag and responsible for ruining Britney Spears, Kevin Federline is now also fat. He’s basically the ultimate social leper. But whatever. Much like other fat people (Kelly Clarkson), he doesn’t care that you make fun of his weight. Or so claims his ex, Shar Jackson. For some reason Shar was either invited to or snuck into HBO’s post-Emmys party in LA. It was there she said, “The beautiful thing about him is that he could care less.”

When asked for comment, Kevin Fatterline nodded in agreement and said, “If God didn’t want me to eat an entire 12 piece original recipe meal in one sitting, he wouldn’t have invented KFC buckets.” He has a point.

“I wash muh-self with a rag on a stick.” Do you think Kevin Fatterline owns one of these?

A recent report from RadarOnline (via NYDN) claims that K-Fat has been offered a $2.5 million deal to endorse a weight loss product from EP-2. It sounds like a pregnancy test, but it actually means Extreme Physical Performance. This couldn’t have come at a better time as Fatty McFat Fat has been ordered to drop 45 pounds for his reality show.

Tired of being asked when the twins are due, he’s enlisted the help of a trainer who has cut him down to six meals a day consisting only of salmon, chicken, egg whites and steamed vegetables. For one last act of rotundness before he’s put on a diet, Fatterline ate sticks of butter and washed it down with Crisco and then asked what was for dessert. Even pigs are disgusted with themselves after looking at him.

Kevin Fatterline gets a hefty stipend from Britney every month that allows him to stuff his face with whatever the Pillsbury Dough Boy throws in front of him. Most of the time, for some inexplicable reason, he doesn’t even need to spend that money because clubs will comp him. The reasoning is that his name will attract more guests which in turn will popularize their club and generate more sales. Except, it doesn’t really work in this case because Kevin is a douchebag.

Nevertheless, K-Fed was filming his VH1 reality show and was comped two bottles of Grey Goose while partying at Wasted Space at the Hard Rock in Vegas with 15 other guests. Either he was too drunk or was just a big asshole, but Fatterline decided not to tip the servers.

This fatty gets paid $20,000 a month in child support and can’t even tip the servers a few bucks. And why should he? All the servers did was navigate through a club of drunks to place two bottles at his feet. It’s not like they were fending off attacks from bears and lions. Besides, they should just be happy they got to touch a bottle Kevin eventually took a sip out of. Serving Kevin is probably the pinnacle of achievement for them. You’d think they’d be content in knowing that now they’ll be able to die happy and not whine about a “tip”.