I always thought fat people couldn’t feel, their heart being sandwiched between a wall of Hostess cupcakes and Oreo cookies, but apparently it breaks just like everyone else. Such was the case with Kevin Smith’s on Valentine’s Day when Southwest kicked him off for being “way fat”. The captain of the plane called him a “safety risk”. In a series of Twitter updates, Kevin said:

Dear @SouthwestAir – I know I’m fat, but was Captain Leysath really justified in throwing me off a flight for which I was already seated?

Dear @SouthwestAir, I flew out in one seat, but right after issuing me a standby ticket, Oakland Southwest attendant Suzanne (wouldn’t give last name) told me Captain Leysath deemed me a “safety risk”. Again: I’m way fat… But I’m not THERE just yet. But if I am, why wait til my bag is up, and I’m seated WITH ARM RESTS DOWN. In front of a packed plane with a bunch of folks who’d already I.d.ed me as “Silent Bob.”

So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?). I was wrongly ejected from the flight (even Suzanne eventually agreed). And fuck your apologetic $100 voucher, @SouthwestAir. Thank God I don’t embarrass easily (bless you, JERSEY GIRL training). But I don’t sulk off either: so everyday, some new fuck-you Tweets for @SouthwestAir.

(1/2) @pigz “I know several people bigger then u who have flown on other airlines” I saw someone bigger than me on THAT flight! But I wasn’t about to throw a fellow Fatty under the plane as I’m being profiled. But he & I made eye contact, & he was like “Please don’t tell…”

And, hey? @SouthwestAir? I didn’t even need a seat belt extender to buckle up. Somehow, that shit fit over my “safety concern”-creating gut.

The @SouthwestAir Diet. How it works: you’re publicly shamed into a slimmer figure. Crying the weight right off has never been easier!

Etc, etc. That has to hurt. Especially when Kevin Smith isn’t that fat (okay, yeah he is, but I’ve seen way fatter on planes). Adding insult to injury, when asked what Captain Leysath meant by “safety risk”, the captain probably blew up his cheeks, outstretched his hands and waddled around bumping into everyone on the plane and went up to the peanuts and shouted at them to “get in muh belleh”  to mimic a fatty.

Kevin Smith has been tapped to direct an episode of the Heroes spin-off series Heroes: Origins. The show will run during the idiotic long break during mid-season and will depict how certain people’s newfound powers affect those around them. Expect a couple obscure references to fanboy movies, explanations as to why it’s impossible for a certain hero to have sex, at least one donkey show and constant beeping of expletives as you stare glassy eyed into the tv.

Just for kicks, here are some pics of the cast of Heroes from Comic-Con. More after the jump.

Photos: Aaron, the gopher, from Cameraphonic.

During a screening of Kevin Smith’s Clerks II, Joel Siegel, the Good Morning America film critic, walked out at the 40 minute mark. The scene that caused the exit involved the characters discussing in detail hiring a woman for a donkey show. This is from Kevin Smith’s blog which had a great response.

…roughly forty minutes into the flick, when Randal orders up the third act donkey show, Siegel bellowed to his fellow critics “Time to go!’’ and “This is the first movie I’ve walked out of in 30 fucking years!’’

Then Mike & Ike’s went flying everywhere and his mommy had to take him home. Kevin Smith continues with:

Now, I don’t need Joel Siegel to suck my dick the way he apparently sucks M. Night’s, gushing over his flick before he’s even seen it; but shit, man – how about a little common fucking courtesy?

That pretty much sums it up. Anyone that loved anything after Sixth Sense should never be taken seriously. Watching The Village was worse than having thumbtacks shoved into my ass and far less entertaining.