Kiefer Sutherland and his girlfriend vacationed in Portofino, Italy over the weekend and Kiefer got all sexy and limber. Rawr. No wonder ladies can’t resist Jack Bauer. These photos were so hot that I had to fan myself with my hand to keep from fainting.

For the 320th time in his life, Kiefer Sutherland drank himself silly and got kicked out of a strip club. The Sun explains at around 10:40 PM Sutherland was seen with five empty wine glasses on his table while drinking with a pal at The Covent Garden Hotel Bar and was still ordering more. Kiefer left for the Stringfellows lapdancing club at 2 AM when “He went bananas, shouting nonsense and dancing like Peter Crouch before kicking off when asked to leave.”

Around 3:30 AM, bouncers put a shirtless Kiefer in a headlock to throw him out of the club. They try to put him in a car but Kiefer wanders into the street. He finally gets into the car and outside his hotel, he stumbles around, falls and giggles with his jacket unbuttoned. Then he has a cigarette.

Ah, yes. A day in the life of Kiefer Sutherland. The good thing about Sutherland is that if you hear about him doing something crazy and there’s no alcohol involved, you know the story is fake. Just like if you hear a story about Steven Seagal hooking up with someone and it doesn’t mention anything about him spiking the girl’s drink with a date rape drug beforehand, you know someone made that shit up.

[Pacific Coast News]

Kiefer Sutherland and the rest of the crew from 24 hit up The Spot in San Pedro last week to celebrate wrapping a shoot. Turns out Kiefer is a good friend because he bought rounds for about 30 people at the bar. He racked up a $500 tab and left a $200 tip. Did I mention this was between the hours of 7am and 1pm?

That’s hardcore. The only time I ever drink is if someone buys one for me and even then it needs to have a fancy umbrella in it.

Kiefer Sutherland punched Robert Knepper (Prison Break) in the face ten or fifteen years ago. Not because they got in an argument, but because Knepper wanted to quit acting and Kiefer wanted to give him motivation to go on. Hence, the fist in his face.

“Ten or 15 years ago, Kiefer used to go to the same gym as me. I remember telling him that I wanted to quit (acting). It was before Prison Break and I couldn’t find any work and I wanted to quit. “He f**king punched me! He punched me so hard. He told me, ‘Don’t you ever give up!’ and I thank Kiefer every day for that advice.”

Kiefer sounds like a natural Tony Robbins. He should write self-help books. Except, they won’t be books in the traditional sense. They’ll have a cover and stuff, but once you flip that open, a fist like object will rocket out to punch you in the face. It’ll be similar to how an airbag deploys in a car. And if that isn’t enough, a pre-recorded message telling you to “Quit being a pussy!” will play before, during and after you get your ass kicked.

[Image: Splash News]

Last week, reps for Brooke Shields flat out denied fashion designer Jack McCollough did anything to warrant a headbutt from Kiefer Sutherland, but admitted to not knowing whether or not the two came into physical contact.

Today, Brooke Shields has come to Kiefer’s defense and claims Jack did actually bump into her and that the previous statements were “neither true nor authorized.” She went on that she “was bumped into by Jack McCollough and Kiefer became concerned” and “Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company.”

Meanwhile, Jack is hoping milk Kiefer for as much as he can get. McCollough alleges he needed to reset his nose after Kiefer broke it in three places and that it was a “vicious, violent, unprovoked assault.” For comparison, here’s his nose after the headbutt and here’s his nose now. Notice the large bandage over the tiny cut. And let me guess, that scratch on your arm isn’t from brushing past a piece of paper too fast, that’s a knife wound from bravely fending off two muggers who jumped you.

[Images: Splash News]

Kiefer Sutherland surrendered to the 1st Precinct this afternoon. He will not be arrested and will simply be given a desk appearance ticket. That is, unless, he headbutts another fashion designer. In that case, he may need two tickets.

Keifer Sutherland has been charged with misdemeanor assault stemming from a headbutting incident at a Costume Institute Gala afterparty. Sutherland is expected to surrender to the NYPD to receive a ticket that tells him when to show up for court. Kiefer is currently on probation for DUI and it may be revoked because of this.

TMZ adds that there may be a hitch in Kiefer’s plan to turn himself in in that there’s confusion over whether a non-resident is allowed to just get a ticket. If not, he may be arrested and arraigned on the same day.

In times like these, we ask what would Jack Bauer do? Well, he’d flee to Africa for a year, come back to torture McCollough and then turn himself in which is probably the wisest thing to do at the moment. What can go wrong?

Reps for Brooke Shields’ tell TMZ that Jack McCollough did nothing to justify the headbutt he received from Kiefer Sutherland. The original story said Jack knocked Brooke to the ground causing Jack to come defend her honor.

Reps say that nothing like that happened. They added, “Jack did nothing inappropriate. It’s not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did.” Witnesses say otherwise, but Shields’ rep insists that Jack, who designs clothes for Brooke, “did absolutely nothing to her.”

Oddly enough, when asked whether Jack touched her or not, her reps admit that they don’t know.

However after an interview, cops say Brooke Shields is “definitely involved” and her story corroborates Kiefer’s.

Exciting! I love a mystery. But, I think it’s pretty clear what happened given all the evidence. It was Jack in the library with a candlestick. There! I solved the great mystery of the Costume Institute Gala afterparty. I’m like a regular Hardy boy.

Kiefer does a really great impression of stains the cupcake dog

Last night at an afterparty for the MET Ball at SubMercer, Keifer Sutherland got into it with fashion designer Jack McCollough over, wait for it, Brooke Shields? Huh?

Guest of a Guest says guests including Mary-Kate Olsen and Kirsten Dunst looked on in shock as Keifer head-butted McCollough so hard that he broke his nose. No word on how Brooke Shields fits into this, but McCollough may be the real winner as Kiefer is still in the hospital recovering.

I suspect Kiefer was in a drunken stupor and became so enraged when McCollough dared to correct him on the type of seam used on Brooke Shield’s dress. Nobody fucks with Jack Bauer’s knowledge of stitching.

Quick update: TMZ clarifies:

We’re told witnesses say the alleged victim — Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough — allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.

That Brooke Shields. Always starting trouble.

In between saving the president and defending America against terrorists, Kiefer Sutherland drunk drives through L.A. The 40-year-old actor surrendered to jail today to begin serving a 48 day sentence for his latest DUI arrest and probation violation. Kiefer is expected to serve the full term with no early release or work / good time credit.

Asked if he had any comment, Sutherland smiled and shook his head as he walked away from the courtroom. Judge Stuart M. Rice also sentenced Sutherland to five years probation, and he must complete an 18-month alcohol education program and attend weekly therapy sessions for six months.

Outside the courtroom, Kiefer said: “Ha! 48 days is nothing. Sure, it sounds like a lot in soberland, but I’m from drunkland where 48 days is only a week if you subtract the 41 days of blackouts. I’ll easily pass the time with these bottles of Grey Goose and Belvedere. Wha… what do you mean I can’t take these in with me. Aww, goddammit! I probably should have planned this out when I was sober, huh?”

Kiefer Sutherland has plead no contest to his second DUI. His first came in 2004 where he was sentenced to 5 years probation for driving with a .22 blood alcohol level. He must now serve 48 days in jail for both violating probation and his current DUI.

Kiefer will do 18 days for the probation violation, surrendering December 21. He will serve an additional 30 days for the current DUI and must complete that sentence by July 1.

Based on what TMZ knows about production schedules, that would mean Kiefer is serving the bulk of his sentence when “24″ is on Christmas holiday and not in production — he may have agreed to the speedy disposition of the case in order to protect the show from having to shut down production. — TMZ

On December 21, Kiefer will walk into an “overcrowded” jail where he’ll be out in 2 hours. He’ll spend more time in booking than in a cell. Upon release, he’ll drive away drunk hitting a light pole and clipping a pedestrian. The sheriff won’t notice because he’ll be too busy giggling on his phone, telling his wife how he just met Jack Bauer. “No, honey. I can’t get his autograph. He’s staggering out of his car and running away right now. I don’t want to bother the man.”

Kiefer Sutherland was arrested in West Hollywood last night on suspicion of DUI. The 24 star blew twice the legal limit of .08. This is his second DUI arrest in five years which means, if he’s convicted, he must spend 5 days in jail.

Sutherland, who was stopped after making an illegal U-turn, was arrested for misdemeanor DUI and transported to the Hollywood Police station. He was booked at 4:09 AM and released at 5:42 AM on $25,000 bail. We’re told Sutherland was “cooperative and mellow” while he was in custody.

According to the L.A. Sheriff’s Dept. website, the actor is 5’10″ and weighs 150 lbs.

Kiefer Sutherland being arrested for DUI is about as surprising as me not being awesome. If you went up to me and told me Kiefer Sutherland was inebriated and swinging around on a chandelier and then you told me McDonald’s brought back the Chicken Parmesan, my first reaction would be, “Nuh uh!” while I threw five bucks at you so you could get me that delicious sandwich.

Today I bear great tidings. Today you shall go forth and make plans to mate your Barbies because Jack Bauer’s action figure is hitting shelves in August. Made by McFarlane toys, the doll will be sure to make that tool Ken jealous and hopefully drive him to suicide.

The action figure will showcase the character in a bulletproof vest with his gun raised and will sell for $10 – $12. In the future, the figures will have Bauer “pouncing, diving and running” and another Bauer seen kicking down a door will be released during the Christmas holidays.

However, this action figure was actually going to debut years ago had Kiefer not set fire to the only prototype one drunken night.

“They tried to come out with one a couple of years ago and they had sent me the doll for my approval… We took the doll out for a night to have some fun and we’d had some drinks. We sat it on the corner of the table. “We started torturing him around 11 o’clock at night, and, by two o’clock in the morning, we had set him on fire in the parking lot. “We got up the next day and there was just this puddle of wax. His clothes didn’t burn, which I thought was pretty cool… and then I got a call the next day saying, ‘Did you like the doll?’ I said, ‘Yeah, it was great.’ And they said, ‘Well, OK, good, you gotta send it back to us because that was the prototype… It took that guy a year to make it.’ “I said, ‘Well, let me look for it, I think I left it in the trailer.’ This went on for about a week and then I had to just kinda come clean.”

This is all the evidence we need to determine the awesomeness of Jack Bauer. He’s a super secret agent dedicated to saving America who destroys a years worth of painstaking craftsmanship in one wild night of partying. God bless you Kiefer. Without you, those asshole toy makers would keep on thinking they’re so much better than us.