The Blemish » kim kardashian Better than a slap to the face Thu, 28 May 2015 07:01:40 +0000 en-US hourly 1 Bruce Jenner Allegedly Sets Date for Trans Surgery, Producers at E! Simultaneously Orgasam Tue, 19 May 2015 08:42:33 +0000 Bruce Jenner’s public transition to womanhood takes another step in front of the cameras at E! During the About Bruce special, Jenner reveals that he sees himself as fully becoming a woman as early as this spring. “I see myself in the future that way,” Bruce admits to stepdaughter, Kim Kardashian.

Somehow this news has missed Khloe. We’ll give her a little credit because this was filmed months ago, but not too much because your grandma is probably hip to this news now. Also, she has admitted to knowing her stepdad has been a cross-dresser since her childhood, which should have given her a tip-off that her dad may not hold to a wholly traditional life.

Somehow, this particular cocktail of drama has let Kim Kardashian develop a sense of logic. After exasperating that Bruce has probably already made the appointment, Bruce admits, “well, yeah.” Kimmy then tells it like the whole world feels it, “When you’re talking to mom and the girls you have to say that and you can’t hesitate because it feels like you’re lying.” Kim Kardashian, unlikely voice of reason!

While he did hint at a date of 4 to 5 months from filming, he also flip-flopped, talking instead about facial reconstruction to our new clear, capable, Kim 2.0.

Regardless if it’s the full sexual reassignment or just facial reconstruction, the Kardashians have got to be getting close to filling up their most recent “buy 10 get 1 free” punch card. Ohh, who will be next?

]]> 1
Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Hated Amy Schumer’s Red Carpet Prank Wed, 22 Apr 2015 17:44:19 +0000 Kanye West’s one of those dudes too cool to crack a smile or play along with a joke. He’d suck at improv. Someone would set up a scenario and he’d be like, “Nah, Imma do it this way”. Improv fail. How do we know this? Amy Schumer dove down in front of them on the red carpet. Why? Because she’s a comedian and that’s what comedians do.

Kanye’s face didn’t flinch at all. Peon! He screamed inside. Kim tried smiling, but the botox game was too strong. All she could manage was a Joker-like half-grin. These tools deserve each other.

]]> 0
Kim Kardashian Stuffs Her Butt Thu, 16 Apr 2015 15:51:09 +0000 Oh, ‘butt stuffing’. That can be taken so many ways, am I right Ray J? Kim Kardashian hasn’t left Paris yet. This time, she’s captured out in the wild running amok in workout clothes. If you stare at her butt, and don’t we all, it looks like she’s carrying around a pillow in there. You never know when North needs a nap. That thing will keep expanding until it folds over unto itself and then all space and time will cease to exist. We’ll disappear into her black hole at that point. Quite stinky if you’re wondering.

]]> 1
Kanye West Congratulates Kim Kardashian By Tweeting Her Nude Pics Mon, 16 Mar 2015 19:26:16 +0000 Gotta keep their names in the news. Kanye West celebrated Kim Kardashian hitting 30 million Twitter followers by tweeting out a bunch of naked Kim Kardashian photos. Wow, what an achievement, Kim. It’s pretty obvious, but has anyone noticed that her achievements really aren’t substantial? Sex tape, 30 million Twitter followers, a bunch of milestones that no one with talent would wants or care about. So it goes for talentless Kim.

]]> 0
Kim Kardashian Goes Braless in See-Through Dress Thu, 05 Mar 2015 23:34:22 +0000 First, the blonde hair and now the mesh dress without a bra. Looks like someone needs attention. Kim Kardashian has perfected the publicity handbook for talentless celebrities. Every so often, mix it up, throw in a new hair color, a few nude pics, maybe a new baby, to keep people entertained. If people get bored with North West, try to create North West Part Deux and play up how you can’t conceive. Keep at it until the one day when you get replaced by another talentless celebrity automaton. When that happens, retire to your palace of riches where you stare in the mirror and wonder if it was all worth it. But that’s in the future Kim. Today is all about tits!

]]> 0
Kim Kardashian Goes Blonde Thu, 05 Mar 2015 18:04:44 +0000 Next question, does the carpet match the drapes? Kim Kardashian unveiled a new look. No, not a bigger ass or more surgically enhanced lips. She dumped a bottle of bleach on her head and turned herself blonde. If blonde jokes are to be believed, Kardashian hit new lows on the Wechsler intelligence scale.

]]> 1
Kim Kardashian’s Ass in a Latex Dress Leaves Kanye Stunned Tue, 03 Mar 2015 10:32:29 +0000 Somehow, Kim Kardashian poured herself into this tight ass latex dress and Kanye definitely approved. In fact, hold onto your caps, Kanye actually smiled. A picture says a thousand words, but this one only needs five. Kanye gonna hit dat tonight. *slow golf clap*

]]> 0
Kim Kardashian Licks Boogers Out Of Kanye’s Nostrils Thu, 26 Feb 2015 18:24:04 +0000 When is it love? When you can smell your significant other’s farts and be intrigued. When they wake up and you aren’t shocked by what you see. Or in Kim Kardashian’s case, when you extract boogers out of Kanye’s nose with your tongue. Kim put up a pic on Instagram and hashtagged it “#KimKAllDay”. Which if you read it really fast, reads “#KinkAllDay”, a hashtag that would actually fit really well also.


A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

In other news, Kanye went to Nando’s to grab a burger and fries ahead of his Brit Awards performance. And as Kanye does, he jumped up on a table because that kid needs attention. Attention is like water to him. Without it, he’d shrivel up and die.

To whomever didn’t know what a Kanye was, it looked like a cult gathering with some random black guy on a table and people yelling ‘Yeezus’ below.

]]> 0
Kim, Khloe, Kylie And North West Escape Near Death Car Crash Sun, 22 Feb 2015 02:24:38 +0000 We almost lost American royalty yesterday. The Kardashian clan skidded of the road and briefly into oncoming traffic before sliding off into a ditch early Saturday morning. Kim and Khloe Kardashian, Kylie Jenner and North West were driving in Bozeman, Montana on icy roads when the accident happened.

…a semi-truck drove by their car and kicked up a ton of snow, hitting their windshield and apparently blinding Khloe.

Apparently Khloe couldn’t see and began swerving, right into a patch of black ice.  The car then spun out of control, crossing oncoming traffic and ending up in a ditch.

Kim had a brief moment of clarity and gratitude Instagramming a shot of snow-covered hills with the caption “Thank you God for watching over us and keeping us safe”.


It’s a surprise these three attention-mongers didn’t pose for a selfie in front of the crash. The minute these three crashed, they probably started seeing dollar signs over how much they could get for the People magazine cover and interview on the accident.

]]> 6
Kim Kardashian’s Shirt Barely Covers Her Breasts Thu, 12 Feb 2015 18:46:30 +0000 Dammit, Kim Kardashian is annoying but her body ain’t bad at all. She’s got tits for those into boobs and ass for those into booties. She’s like Disneyland, something for everyone big and small. Here she shovels her chest into a tight shirt that mashes everything all up in there and yes, yes this is awesome. Penises all across America reluctantly bow in praise.

]]> 0