The Blemish » kim kardashian http://theblemish.com Better than a slap to the face Mon, 06 Jul 2015 22:53:16 +0000 en-US hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=4.2.2 Oh Yea, Kim Kardashian’s Got Those Pregnancy Boobs http://theblemish.com/2015/06/oh-yea-kim-kardashians-got-those-pregnancy-boobs/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/oh-yea-kim-kardashians-got-those-pregnancy-boobs/#comments Tue, 23 Jun 2015 18:44:35 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195942 Good for us: pregnancies cause breasts to grow at 6-8 weeks and eventually, 1-2 cup sizes larger. Bad for Kim Kardashian: stretch marks and itchy breasts. Itchiness isn’t contagious right? Kanye doesn’t want no itchy mouth.

Remarkable that Kim’s only 5’3″. Those breasts take up about a foot and 40 pounds. It’s surprising she can walk upright, and not have her boobs drop like anvils to the floor, and Kim power them forward at a 90 degree angle. Like an iRoomba. She’s the human cartoon.

Look through these pics. You’ll suddenly realize something. Kim is very oddly shaped. Really short, but busty and round all over. She’s only a slightly larger version of Snookie.

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Kim Kardashian Will Give a Lecture About Objectification of Women in Media http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-will-give-a-lecture-about-objectification-of-women-in-media/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-will-give-a-lecture-about-objectification-of-women-in-media/#comments Sun, 21 Jun 2015 19:45:55 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195885 On June 30, Kim Kardashian will be giving a lecture in Oakland about the objectification of women in media. The event, “Kim Kardashian West Live!“, will take place at the Paramount Theatre in Oakland, CA.

While this may seem ironic at first, she may be speaking for the objectification of women in media considering the lecture will be about how she “monetized” everything from selfies to sexuality. As long as the person doing it is in control, I guess. Otherwise, it’d be pretty ironic considering this is the woman who traded favors with TMZ to get publicity and then meticulously planned the release of her own sex tape.

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Kim Kardashian Writes a Letter to Future Self, I Turned It Into a Poem http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-writes-letter-future-self-turned-poem/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-writes-letter-future-self-turned-poem/#comments Fri, 19 Jun 2015 01:03:54 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195823 In cahoots with Glamour magazine, Kim Kardashian just published a video letter to her future self. The video follows Kim clearly fake typing a letter to herself while making overly theatrical facial expressions to her letter-reading narration. Because of this behavior and her extreme Kim-Kardashian-ness, the video, clocking in at around 2 minutes, is clearly worth watching.

Now, if you can’t bring yourself to listen to Kim’s version of events, I summarized them in an iambic pentameter poem below, enjoy.

‘Twas a letter to her future and all through her life
Kim Kardashian was reflecting on being a wife.
And a mother to North who will then be pre-teen,
Wishes for patience so she won’t have to scream.

“May science invent a mysterious juice
delicious and green retaining my youth!
And to keep me tan and always keen,
I hope to still be the contouring queen!”

When it comes to your body, to yourself be kind
and enjoy how you look with your rockin’ behind.
Now to your whole family, let yourself dish,
give each of your sisters a personal wish:

“A man for Khloe,
Halted babies for Kourt,
still model for Kendall,
Ky I give my support”

Now return to Kim things like positive vibes,
to ignore the haters’ mean and cruel jibes.
Remember to call your mom every day!
Let family vacations be still underway.

Take a moment to wonder into your future, so merry!
“Are you still Keeping Up with out ev’ feeling wary?”
“Still decorating your dream home? Are selfies still cool?”
“If you’re not a hund-bill’ on Insta, it’d be a misrule!”
“Are the terms ‘Bae’ and ‘On fleek’ so two-thousand-fifteen?”
“Will being called one of those just sound outright obscene?!”

Sealed with a kiss, don’t open till twenty-twenty-five,
The answers of your future life will so soon arrive!
With that watch Kim finish without even a clammer
A big shout and thanks to the magazine Glamour!

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Kim Kardashian — Still No Baby Bump in Sight http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-still-no-baby-bump-in-sight/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-still-no-baby-bump-in-sight/#comments Fri, 12 Jun 2015 21:46:59 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195592 If you haven’t heard, Kim Kardashian is pregnant. At least nine months of her in the news. If she keeps wearing these dresses though, then that’s ok. Nine months of watching an ever-expanding chest.

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South West? Kim Kardashian and Kanye West Expecting a Boy http://theblemish.com/2015/06/south-west-kim-kanye-expecting-boy/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/south-west-kim-kanye-expecting-boy/#comments Thu, 11 Jun 2015 01:39:32 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195512 Well, which direction will be next? You want to think South because East West isn’t a thing, but leave it to Kandashian to make that choice.

After the very televised struggle to conceive on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, a source told Us Weekly they’re expecting a baby boy.

“Kanye loves Nori more than anything, but to make his world complete he wanted a little boy, an heir…He’s overjoyed!”

Yup, should have known Kanye would consider a boy an heir. Did he not listen to Ariana Grande’s, the person not a Starbucks order, rant on feminism?! Right, she just covered dating; next time, Grande Macchiato.

Kim K allegedly wanted two kids, and not a small gypsy coven to which she is accustomed, and went through in vitro fertilization, as well as consulting a psychic, which we can only hope was some Keeping Up producers’ idea and not Kimmy K’s herself.

“I’m so grateful to be pregnant when we didn’t even think it was going to happen. I can barely get out of bed, but it’s so worth it. I don’t really care.”

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Kim Kardashian Rented Out Staples Center for Kanye’s Birthday Because a Card Just Wouldn’t Do http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-rented-out-staples-center-for-kanyes-birthday-because-a-card-just-wouldnt-do/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-rented-out-staples-center-for-kanyes-birthday-because-a-card-just-wouldnt-do/#comments Tue, 09 Jun 2015 19:38:14 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195465 Ballller! That’s Kanye West, after Kim Kardashian rented out the Staples Center for his 38th birthday. Amazing, Kanye saw more basketball action in June than the Lakers and Clippers combined. Kardashian dropped over $100,000 on the party and the guest list included Justin Bieber, Tyga, Pusha T. James and NBA players Russell Westbrook and John Wall in an East versus West matchup.

First, Kardashian blindfolded Kanye like motherfucking ISIS and led him to the party:

Surprise!

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

When they got there, John Legend sang the National Anthem while the Kardashian clan cheered Kanye on. Kim even got the LA Lakers cheerleaders to act like they cared.

So, basically, a really expensive fantasy camp experience. Did Kanye get a juice box and orange slices afterwards? Next year, Kim plans to send him to NASA for space camp. Wheee!!

WEST VS EAST

A photo posted by Kim Kardashian West (@kimkardashian) on

Kim rented out staples bitch!!! Him and his boys are going to ball!!!! Happy birthday Yeezy!!!!

A photo posted by Khloé (@khloekardashian) on

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Kim Kardashian Pregnancy Upside: Bigger Boobs http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-pregnancy-upside-bigger-boobs/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-pregnancy-upside-bigger-boobs/#comments Thu, 04 Jun 2015 06:35:48 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195341 Funny how women knowingly let a mucus-covered, life-sucking, undersized dwarf crawl out of their vagina. And oh, it’s one of life’s greatest joys. To have your women parts spread apart like an oyster. The pearl in this case is a crying, pooing mess that’ll leave you sleepless for a few years.

On the plus side, breasts. Yay for guys! Back in the old days before people discovered, oh, biology, men kept impregnating women because over nine moon cycles, they saw breasts get bigger and bigger. Like a gift from the gods.

Which brings us to Kim Kardashian. She’s pregnant if you haven’t heard and now, here are her breasts. On full display. In 6+ months, they’ll be the size of ham hocks. Her pregnancy hormones must be kicking in because she went on a Twitter rant against no one in particular. Women and their emotions, sheesh.

What she wrote was:

So fucking sick today on all levels!!!!! UGHHHHHHHHH I can’t deal!!!!!!!!!! Praying I get through the day!

Can’t wait til my website is active! I’m gonna do live video streaming so every time someone talks shit I can go blast the fuck outta them

Pregnant KiKi does not play!!!! *BLOOP!*

Kardashian’s going crazy. Britney Spears-level crazy, that’s the only answer. Like locks of hair strewn on the ground, wide-eyed staring out of a salon window, bald, level of crazy.

Even Kanye read her tweets and twirled his finger around his ear.

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Kim Kardashian Pregnant Again, Expect Even More Crappy Reality Shows from the Kardashians http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-pregnant-again-expect-even-more-crappy-reality-shows-from-the-kardashians/ http://theblemish.com/2015/06/kim-kardashian-pregnant-again-expect-even-more-crappy-reality-shows-from-the-kardashians/#comments Mon, 01 Jun 2015 09:34:08 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=195271 Surprise! Kim Kardashian and Kanye West make baby for you. England got Prince William, Princess Kate and babies George and Charlotte. America, good job, you have ‘Kimye’ and North and a baby to be named later. Or a 3rd round pick. Maybe even compensation.

These two fame whores discovered, oh shit, pregnancies get you on the front page. Too bad birthing a child takes nine months or else these two would drop a new one every few months.

Kim Kardashian revealed that she’s expecting her second child with Kanye West in the supertease following tonight’s mid-season finale of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

The clip shows Kim hearing the exciting news during a doctor’s appointment shortly before spilling the beans to Khloé Kardashian.

“I just got the blood test back, and I am pregnant!” Kim—who’s beaming ear-to-ear—exclaims to her stunned sister.

This must lend credibility to those rumors that Kanye allegedly had sperm problems and visited a fertility clinic to incept, err implant..ok, impregnate Kim. But here’s the twist, not with his own sperm.

Rumor has it they wanted a designer baby, one with more ‘European’ features. Why? Because too many Internet commenters hated on North West. And you know how thin-skinned Kanye can get.

So, now they will have a baby that they can show off to everyone and be oh so proud of. What about North West? She’ll have to get used to walking behind the family at all times.

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Bruce Jenner Allegedly Sets Date for Trans Surgery, Producers at E! Simultaneously Orgasam http://theblemish.com/2015/05/bruce-jenner-allegedly-sets-date-trans-surgery-producers-e-simultaneously-orgasam/ http://theblemish.com/2015/05/bruce-jenner-allegedly-sets-date-trans-surgery-producers-e-simultaneously-orgasam/#comments Tue, 19 May 2015 08:42:33 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=194853 Bruce Jenner’s public transition to womanhood takes another step in front of the cameras at E! During the About Bruce special, Jenner reveals that he sees himself as fully becoming a woman as early as this spring. “I see myself in the future that way,” Bruce admits to stepdaughter, Kim Kardashian.

Somehow this news has missed Khloe. We’ll give her a little credit because this was filmed months ago, but not too much because your grandma is probably hip to this news now. Also, she has admitted to knowing her stepdad has been a cross-dresser since her childhood, which should have given her a tip-off that her dad may not hold to a wholly traditional life.

Somehow, this particular cocktail of drama has let Kim Kardashian develop a sense of logic. After exasperating that Bruce has probably already made the appointment, Bruce admits, “well, yeah.” Kimmy then tells it like the whole world feels it, “When you’re talking to mom and the girls you have to say that and you can’t hesitate because it feels like you’re lying.” Kim Kardashian, unlikely voice of reason!

While he did hint at a date of 4 to 5 months from filming, he also flip-flopped, talking instead about facial reconstruction to our new clear, capable, Kim 2.0.

Regardless if it’s the full sexual reassignment or just facial reconstruction, the Kardashians have got to be getting close to filling up their most recent “buy 10 get 1 free” punch card. Ohh, who will be next?

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Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Hated Amy Schumer’s Red Carpet Prank http://theblemish.com/2015/04/kim-kardashian-kanye-west-hated-amy-schumers-red-carpet-prank/ http://theblemish.com/2015/04/kim-kardashian-kanye-west-hated-amy-schumers-red-carpet-prank/#comments Wed, 22 Apr 2015 17:44:19 +0000 http://theblemish.com/?p=194130 Kanye West’s one of those dudes too cool to crack a smile or play along with a joke. He’d suck at improv. Someone would set up a scenario and he’d be like, “Nah, Imma do it this way”. Improv fail. How do we know this? Amy Schumer dove down in front of them on the red carpet. Why? Because she’s a comedian and that’s what comedians do.

Kanye’s face didn’t flinch at all. Peon! He screamed inside. Kim tried smiling, but the botox game was too strong. All she could manage was a Joker-like half-grin. These tools deserve each other.

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