This week we have:

• Amber Heard in Max
• Avril Lavigne in FHM Australia
• Cara Delevigne in Jalouse
• Chrissy Teigen in Dineila
• Gisele Bundchen in lingerie
• Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd in GQ
• Jessica Hart for Me in My Place
• Kate Upton in Esquire
• Kim Kardashian in Allure
• Kirsten Dunst in Vogue Italia
• Lake Bell in Esquire UK
• Megan Fox in Armani
• Rosie Huntington-Whitely in VS
• Shailene Woodley in VS
• Zooey Deschanel in Company

Kirsten Dunst goes topless in Lars Von Trier’s new film Melancholia. The movie doesn’t come out in the US until November but some brave soul already screencapped her nude scene.

Granted, you probably dry heaved a little when you saw “Kirsten Dunst” and “topless” in the same sentence but, trust me, once you cover Kirsten’s face with your hand, she looks really good. NSFW gallery starts here.

Kirsten Dunst opened up about her snaggle teeth in the latest issue of Elle. She says she knows he has gnarly fangs but they give her character and character is sexy. Ergo, she’s sexy. Wait, waht? Quit playing mind games with me, Kirsten Dunst!

On being 29: I’m much happier, more sure, more definite. Who you are as 25 and who you are at 29 is a very different thing. For me it feels like a 20-year age gap. You live, you learn and you come through the drama to more easy, relaxed perspective.

Forever humble: I’m the girl I was brought up by my family to be. I don’t think of myself as any more special than anyone else. OK, I’m an actress, but that’s just what I do […] it doesn’t give me special powers.

On her teeth: I love my snaggle fangs. They give me character and character is sexy. People comment, but the only person who ever told me to fix them was my mom. Mothers are always like, “Wear lipstick, put on rouge!” They can be shitty about that stuff because they love you. I just went my own way, like daughters do.

Also, she has big boobs which we’ll get to see during her nude scenes in Melancholia.

On her nude scenes in Melancholia: I didn’t work out beforehand, it was all very natural. I don’t have any real body issues. I never really overeat, I shed weight in the summer, put it on in the winter and yes, I do have big boobs. People don’t realise because I cover up a lot, but they are there. Big boobs.

At least she has the big boob thing going for her. Some people don’t even have that. Like they always say, when one snaggly-toothed door closes, another, much bustier one opens.

Kirsten Dunst, who won Best Actress for Melancholia at Cannes, was asked what she thought about Lars von Trier’s ban from the film festival as a result of his joke about Nazis. Despite him being the director, she thought it was justified.

Kirsten called him inappropriate and idiotic and that he paid for his comments. She added that she was pleased the festival and the jury “could see beyond his words” (gave me a shiny award). Actually, Kirsten seemed pretty indifferent to the whole thing. The glare from the award probably distracted her. “Yesss, yess, come to me my pretty,” Kirsten was muttering when she accepted her award.

Kirsten Dunst had a rowdy all-night party at Eden Roc Hotel in Cannes this week and annoyed the hell out of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie while they were trying to sleep in their private villa.

The 28-year-old ‘Spiderman’ star partied into the night with a group of A-listers, before staff requested they keep the noise levels down. A source at the bash said, “The group, which included Mad Men star Jon Ham and Hsm’s Vanessa Hudgens, was stomping their feet and jumping on tables. All the while, bar staff patiently waited for them to quit”. After the Hollywood stars continued their party, security asked the group to pipe down “as they were disturbing Brangelina”, who are staying in a private villa in the grounds of the hotel.

I know I should make fun of the pebbly-toothed Kirsten Dunst and her friends for being annoying asses but all my sympathy for Brad and Angelina disappeared when I read “private villa.” Oh, what? Your fancy villa doesn’t have 10 inch thick concrete walls? Pffft.

Lars Von Trier is a weird dude. If you need proof of that, watch one of his movies. Consequently, it’s not that much of a shock that he said he sympathized with Hitler and called himself a Nazi during the press conference for his new movie Melancholia (starring Kirsten Dunst) at Cannes. To preface, he answered with this after being asked about his interest in the Nazi aesthetic.

“The only thing I can tell you is that I thought I was a Jew for a long time and was very happy being a Jew, then later on came [Danish and Jewish director] Susanne Bier, and suddenly I wasn’t so happy about being a Jew. That was a joke. Sorry. But it turned out that I was not a Jew. If I’d been a Jew, then I would be a second-wave Jew, a kind of a new-wave Jew, but anyway, I really wanted to be a Jew and then I found out that I was really a Nazi, because my family is German. And that also gave me some pleasure. So, I, what can I say? I understand Hitler. I think he did some wrong things but I can see him sitting in his bunker. I’m saying that I think I understand the man. He is not what we could call a good guy, but yeah, I understand much about him and I sympathize with him … But come on! I’m not for the Second World War. And I’m not against Jews. No, not even Susanne Bier. I am very much for them. As much as Israelis are a pain in the ass. How do I get out of this sentence? Okay, I am a Nazi. As for the art, I’m for Speer. Albert Speer I liked. He was also one of God’s best children. He has a talent that … Okay, enough.”

According to The Huffington Post, the press were both shocked and laughed at his comments. Dunst just let out an “Oh my God, this is terrible.” Sort of like what a mother does when her kid runs out of the bathroom with a turd in their hand. Lars later told the AP the comments were mostly a joke.

“I don’t have so much to say, so I kind of have to improvise a little and just to let the feelings I have kind of come out into words,” von Trier said. “This whole Nazi thing, I don’t know where it came from, but you spend a lot of time in Germany, you sometimes want to feel a little free and just talk about this (expletive), you know?”

His publicists still had to issue a public apology saying Von Trier “sincerely apologized” for the comments. “I am not anti-Semitic or racially prejudiced in any way, nor am I a Nazi.”

Another thing which those comments largely overshadowed. Lars Von Trier struck terror into the hearts of people everywhere when he threatened to make hardcore porn starring Kirsten Dunst and Charlotte Gainsbourg. He joked now that Kirsten got a taste of being nude on film, she wants more.

“Now she wants more. That’s how women are, and Charlotte is behind this. They want a really, really, really hardcore film this time, and I’m doing my best,” von Trier said, as Dunst and Gainsbourg chuckled uncomfortably beside him.

To echo the sentiments of Kirsten Dunst, “Oh my God, this is terrible.”  I’d rather be smashed in the nuts with a 2×4 and orgasm blood like in Von Trier’s Antichrist than watch that.

Lars von Trier’s last movie Antichrist was beyond insane. Willem Dafoe orgasmed blood and Charlotte Gainsbourg gave herself a female circumcision. Now Lars is back with a new film called Melancholia also starring Charlotte Gainsbourg along with Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland, Alexander Skarsgard. This one comes with a sci-fi twist.

Justine (Kirsten Dunst) and Michael (Alexander Skarsgård) are celebrating their marriage at a sumptuous party in the home of her sister (Charlotte Gainsbourg) and brother-in-law (Kiefer Sutherland). Meanwhile, the planet, Melancholia, is heading towards Earth… MELANCHOLIA is a psychological disaster movie from director Lars von Trier.

This movie might be even more terrifying than Antichrist because I swear I saw a naked Kirsten Dunst in the trailer. My eyes! My beautiful eyes!

Here’s that goblin Kirsten working out yesterday.

I think the only way Kirsten Dunst can look good is if they cake 100 pounds of makeup on her, make her close her mouth to hide her goblin teeth and light her up like a Christmas tree. Even then though, it’s only a moderate improvement.

Kirsten Dunst stars in All Good Things, “a docu-drama loosely based on the true story of New York real estate millionaire/drag queen Robert Durst.” Clearly the film is titled inappropriately because Kirsten has a nude shower scene with Ryan Gosling.

“I was comfortable with it and it just felt more vulnerable, you know?” she tells “Vanity Fair,” explaining the nudity. “There’s actually a very good reason for it. And the way we shot it went a lot further, but it ended up getting cut.”

And, she says, fans will see her nude again in upcoming movie Melancholia. “So they’ll get used to seeing me naked. Trust me, they’ll be over it by the next film.”

After hearing this, Obama raised the national threat level color to “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!”

Somehow this hunchbacked monster managed to survive being pushed into French waters. There is no backup plan. We’re all doomed.

In a Hollywood sex survey by Cosmo, Eva Longoria said she isn’t adverse to being tied up with silk scarves. She likes a man to take charge and finds sexiness in being submissive. Eva and I would get along great together. I like to tie women up too. But only in Ryan Seacrest’s basement and then calling SWAT on him.

Nonetheless, The Sun had to ruin this beautiful moment with Kirsten Dunst’s answer. She told Cosmo that she and Jake Gyllenhaal did it in a store changing room.

Hey, who asked snaggletooth? Was it you? No? How about you? No? You mean she volunteered this information and no one ran away in abject fear? Were you guys even listening during orientation?

You may be wondering why people were clearing the area around Kirsten Dunst as she walked through Coachella on Sunday. Well, the answer is simple. They were absolutely terrified. It’s not often a ghost haunts a three day music festival.

The disturbing nature of the title is only mitigated by the fact that see-through in this case means seeing shadowy outlines of Kirsten Dunst’s grotesque, witch-like legs through her dress. Unless you can afford years of therapy, do not attempt to look any closer. Now let us try and forget and hope to never read a title like that again.