Kristie Alley, who’s redefined dress sizes to become a size 6, says the hardest part about losing 100 lbs. is keeping it off. She goes on to say that running on a treadmill every day would make her slit her throat so she’s devised a better routine. One that would allow her to relive her past glory as a Dancing With the Stars contestant.

“I dance almost every day,” says Alley, adding that her own run on the show “gave me something that I can do every day that I actually love that doesn’t feel like a hardship or a grind. Come on, getting on a treadmill every day would make me slit my throat.”

And she’s got her former dancing partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy to thank for keeping her exercise tedium at bay.

“To warm up, I do the cha cha that Maks and I did,” she says, adding that her current dance teacher does ballroom fitness with her, which “kicks your ass, it’s crazy.”

To supplement her dancing, Alley uses a weight loss product called Rescue Me that she also promotes. Thanks to it, she says, “I probably have more energy than I’ve ever had in my life.” PEOPLE

I’m sure sucking down cigarettes doesn’t help motivate her to jump on a treadmill either. The hacking and wheezing you’d hear after a minute on speed 3 would be horrendous. The only way she could power through is if you attached an ice cream cone to a stick.

Kristie Alley lost 100lbs and now she’s a non-industry standard size 4 which she has since amended to a size 6. Now, in the new issue of PEOPLE, Kirstie says what people have known for a while. That fat sex is gross. “I didn’t like the way I looked, and I didn’t want to have fat sex,” she told the mag. Adding, “My body had gotten really weak. There was nothing positive about being fat. I feel back to normal. I have my game again.”

With her new found weight loss, she’s still not certain she feels sexy but is open to a relationship. It doesn’t need to be said but “no fatties allowed.”

‘What I’m looking for is to be madly, deeply in love. For the first time in my life, I know exactly what I want in a man. I want someone who has my back, who is courageous and brave.” — The Daily Mail

Did she just describe Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard? Fat chance of getting someone to carry her over any threshold. There aren’t enough back braces in the world to make the dream come true.

Kirstie Alley tells Entertainment Weekly that her stint on Dancing With the Stars led to a 100 pound weight loss.

“Before Dancing with the Stars, I bought these dresses from size 14 to 4,” she explained. “[They were] all the same dress, and I said, ‘You know what I really want? I really wanna be in this dress in a 4!’”

No doubt Kirstie lost a lot of weight but the only way she’s fitting into a size 4 is if she lubed herself up and took a running start into that dress.

Here’s Kristie Alley heading out of her NYC hotel to go to ABC Studios to host The View. You might not be able to tell, but Kirstie was barefaced (bearfaced?). So not only does she have a 22-inch waist, but she also doesn’t need to wear makeup. Eat your heart out, Megan Fox.

There’s really no point in reading this because it’s utter nonsense. The only way Kirstie Alley could have a 22-inch waist is if she’s talking about how big the pig where her bacon came from was.

Regardless, here she is telling Life & Style that she’s almost met her goal of a 22 inch waist. Alley says of the dress she bought, “I tried it on, and I can almost zip it up.” Almost being the keyword here. It probably looks like what a suitcase looks like when it’s being packed for home at the end of a vacation five minutes before checkout. Maybe her dress has one of those expandable zippers like those fancy suitcases.

She plans to wear the dress on her Italian vacation in a few weeks. “I’ll be my target size by then,” she exclaims. That means the 60-year-old can soon start sharing clothes with sexy Megan Fox!

“I do have a 22-inch waist,” confesses the 25-year-old. Although the Jennifer’s Body star jokes that she has to starve herself to maintain her trim physique, the truth is that it takes a lot of hard work to stay that slim. “I did a lot of Pilates — an immense amount of Pilates,” Megan reveals. Kirstie is just as determined to keep the weight off. “I’ve been dancing almost every day since the show ended,” she confides. “I like all the Latin dancing. It’s the best exercise and the best cardio.” [L&S]

Here are a few comparison shots between Megan Fox and Kirstie Alley. Notice how when Megan Fox turns to the side, she almost disappears. Now notice how Kristie Alley needs a mini-corset to help keep her stomach from tearing through her top.

Kirstie Alley says that dancing every day has led to her dropping a few dress sizes. She went from a 12 to an 8 to a 6. Note that she started dancing two to three months ago.

“I started out in a size 12, then an 8, and then I think next week I’ll be in a 6,” she said after her performance Monday night. “The real size I want to be in is probably a 4 or a 6. That’s where I look best.”

To be fair, Kiristie Alley says she’s ALMOST a size 6. Much like I’m ALMOST Brad Pitt and I’m ALMOST married to Scarlett Johansson.

In related news, Rupert Grint wants to know what Kirstie Alley is smoking because it sounds fantastic.

In news that will really help those gay rumors, Kirstie Alley enlisted John Travolta to help her with her routine on Dancing With the Stars. A string of accidents have caused her to be the center of attention on YouTube recaps so she brought in “The Dance Doctor” to clear the bad “juju”.

“Last week we survived, but I don’t want anyone to have any doubts: I’m in this to win this. I want to be the frontrunner!”
Before performing her raunchy foxtrot to Lenny Kravtiz’s ‘American Woman’ on the show last night (18.04.11), Kirstie admitted she was hoping to “create magic” following her visit from ‘The Dance Doctor’ John.
She joked: “Now that we’ve had a session with ‘The Dance Doctor’, the bad juju is gone and with this dance, we’re going to create magic.”
Earning a score of 23 out of a possible 30 for the routine, judge Carrie Ann Inaba praised the duo for their “bold, ambitious and borderline crazy” take on the foxtrot.
Carrie said: “That was a different take on a foxtrot, but it absolutely suited you. It was bold, it was ambitious, it was a little borderline crazy! You did it – it was magical and I think it was your best dance ever!”

Of course Kristie Alley said “juju”. She probably licked her lips afterward and said, “Mmmm, jujubes.” More importantly, why is John Travolta a dance doctor. Saturday Night Fever was 14 years ago. Since then, his biggest achievement was magically growing his hair back. This is like Jennifer Love Hewitt calling herself “The Love Doctor”.

Here’s Maksim dry humping Kirstie and Kirstie trying to cop a feel. Actually I don’t know what they’re doing but this made the most sense.

It was bound to happen. Three weeks into Dancing With the Stars, Maksim Chmerkovskiy legs finally gave out while trying to lug around Kirstie Alley. The two were dancing the rumba to Over the Rainbow when only 20 seconds in, Maksim’s leg tapped out.

Managing to finish the dance, Maksim wanted to make it clear afterward that his thighs didn’t give out because Kirstie was too fat. Right. And unicorns exist. Of course it’s because she’s fat. I’m impressed he even made it three weeks without this happening. In fact, I’m surprised they didn’t fall through the floor like a cartoon.

Skip to 2:20 to see it.

Apparently it’s politically incorrect to compare Kirstie Alley to a pig because that’s what George Lopez did when he critiqued Kirstie’s DWTS performance and now he’s getting flak for it. He said, “She did a nice job, her little hooves tapping away.”

Lopez added, “Before the show, she went to the market and then she had roast beef.” and then followed that joke up with a commercial featuring an animated pig. George should be ashamed of himself. He’s trying way too hard.

On a more positive note, Alley didn’t let it get to her. Mostly due to her thick, greasy, fat-layered skin. She tweeted, “You are all saying such sweet and complementary things to me… Thank u all so much.. I feel like Cinderella tonight.” I’m actually really impressed. I’ve never visited her Twitter before as I always assumed she just tweeted variations of “nom nom nom nom nom” every hour. I also assumed anything she typed would have a lot of misspellings because her pudgy fingers would hit two keys at a time.

Last night, Kirstie Alley performed her first dance with her partner Maksim Chmerkovskiy at the premiere of Dancing With the Stars. Kirstie shimmied across the stage while Maksim struggled to support all the weight. Surprisingly, she did well according to the judges who may or may not be grading on the Kirstie Alley curve which is more of an inverted bell curve because the regular bell curve can’t support the weight.

However, the most impressive part was Alley’s heart didn’t explode mid-routine. That thing must have been pumping at 300 beats per minute trying to force blood through her clogged arteries. You could tell she was tired too because she still couldn’t stop wheezing after 5 minutes. I’m surprised her contract doesn’t require an oxygen mask after every performance.

Fame describes these as “Pudgy Kirstie Alley Practices Her ‘Dance’ Moves Outside Coffee Shop.” Swinging around a light pole like a monkey trying to get at a coconut isn’t really considered dancing which is why they put quotes around “dancing”.

Did they just bring Kirstie onto Dancing With the Stars for comic relief hoping she’d at some point, trip over her own feet causing her to stumble off to the side of the stage head first into camera and lighting equipment while the audience gasps in horror because they can only hear the loud clanking and crashing and groaning behind the curtains? Because I got news for them. That’s not going to happen. As you can plainly see, Kirstie Alley is graceful as a swan.

Kirstie Alley took her fat ass to the Today to swear up and down that her new Organic Liasons diet isn’t a front for Scientology and that Scientology doesn’t get a cut of Organic Liasons profits despite the fact that their office is located in the same building as the World Institute of Scientology in Clearwater, Fla., that they have two prominent members of Scientology on the advisory board and have a “highly placed” Scientologist in Saul Lilpson acting as their accountant.

Alley, spitting donut flakes over Meredith, bellowed, “It’s bullshit. It’s not true. It’s not true. I’m the top executive. The address in Clearwater is my accountant, and he’s a Scientology Jew. I don’t know what to say to it.” When asked if profits go to Scientology, she responded, “No, they don’t. I’m way too cheap to do that.”

Jesus. Kirstie might as well have stood on a scale insisting to Meredith that her diet works while the needle on the scale ticked upward by the second as Kirstie picked through her folds to eat the crumbs trapped inside.

I saw this headline on Us Magazine’s site and thought to myself, “Oh, noes! Did Kirstie Alley’s shopping bag break causing the 20 cartons of ice cream she bought to smash to the ground and become inedible? Maybe they’ll have some funny photos of her on her knees cursing the heavens!”

Turns out I was way off. They were actually talking about how she shaved 20 pounds off her frame and how she did it with the new vitamin-packed elixir weight loss program she’s peddling called Organic Liaison.

“My two biggest hurdles in weight loss and maintenance are cravings and too big of an appetite,” she said. “I wanted my line to obliterate these hurdles. For me, it has!”

The program features three elixirs: “Rescue Me,” which controls cravings, “Release Me,” which helps ease stress and promotes cardiovascular health and “Nightingale,” which enhances sleep and helps curb carbohydrate cravings. Followers also follow a healthy, organic food diet plan and online tools to drop pounds.

For no reason at, I navigated to the site and found that the intro (here) looks like Finding Nemo. Digging deeper, some fat cartoon chick resembling Kirstie Alley waddled across the screen and shook her ass at me. By that point I was fumbling for the mouse to close the window. Thankfully that fat chick turned into a skinny chick that looked nothing like Kirstie Alley and started shaking her ass at me. I liked where this was going so I decided to wait it out. Then the real Kirstie Alley came on the screen. Ahhh! It’s a trap!

P.S. At least Kirstie Alley doesn’t take herself seriously. That’s always good to know.

[Images: Pacific Coast News]