On a recent “Jimmy Kimmel Live” appearance, Kurt Russell confirmed the myth that the last two words Walt Disney wrote before he died in 1966 was “Kurt Russell”. Russell was a child actor working for the studio at the time.

“It’s true. I don’t know what to make of that. I was taken into his office one time after he died and I was shown that.”

Yep, not weird at all. The last words I write when I die are going to be “Angelina Jolie.” Then on the other side of the paper it’ll say, “I hit that.” Angelina or her kids would probably deny it, but those were my last words. Why would I have any reason to lie? Heh heh heh.

Kurt Russell’s first kiss didn’t go exactly as he had planned. Hormones already raging in third grade, he spotted a “hot” 13-year-old girl under a bridge and thought he was going to get one planted on his lips. Instead, he got something more memorable.

“I was in third grade, and . . . I noticed this really hot chick hanging out under the bridge with her friend. She was probably 13, and there was this vibe about her, you know. She says, ‘Hey, come here.’ I think I’m going to get my first kiss. She lifts my shirt, then all of a sudden reaches into her bee hive, pulls out a penknife, and drags it about 6 inches across my stomach. It starts to bleed, and they haul ass. I was, like, ‘What?’ “

Don’t worry Kurt. It happens to me all the time. It happened to me yesterday and last week. I haven’t talked to any other guys about it, but I assume this is perfectly normal. It’s like when you pull a girl’s hair in an awkward attempt at flirting. Usually they flirt back by punching you in the arm. Stabbing just means they really, really like you and puncturing a vital organ means they’re into anal.