In an interview with Oprah Winfrey airing on OWN this Sunday, Lady Gaga says she wants babies. A “soccer team” full of them. Eventually.

“Yeah, yeah, I do,” a (relatively) conservatively dressed Gaga told the talk show host, 58, when asked if she was serious about wanting a large family. “I mean I’m being superfluous [about the soccer team], but I don’t want to have one [child], I want a few.”

Gaga adds that she also wants a husband. Making a gesture to indicate a baby bump, the singer tells Winfrey, “I want to experience that.” PEOPLE

Her ovaries are already weeping because they know they’ll be relentlessly teased in school with the way Gaga is going to dress them. “Oh, those are some nice space goggles with peacock feathers sticking out.” Punch.

Lady Gaga also says she’s done doing interviews and that Oprah’s will be her last.

“Other than this interview, Oprah, I do not intend to speak to anyone for a very long time,” the singer said in the interview, to air Sunday. “No press, no television, if my mom calls and says, ‘Did you hear about’ I shut it all off.”

So the power of prayer does work.

This week in shoots we have Abigail Clancy in Cosmo UK, Beatrice Charity in swimwear, Catherine Bell for Felix Kunze, Dakota Fanning in Elle UK, Joanna Krupa for Me in My Place, Julianne Hough in Prestige, Kate Beckinsale in Angeleno, Lady Gaga topless in Vogue, Paris Hilton in FHM and Selena Gomez doing a shoot for Dream Out Loud.

Also, follow me on Twitter because you sometimes you get tweets like this and this. Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook too. Begging is not beneath me. Please, please, please? Why won’t you love me?!

The headline read something like Lady Gaga was going to drop the ball on NYE which I took to meant her last testicle was descending on Dec. 31. Turns out that’s not the case and I’m really bad at interpreting things because what the article was really saying was that Mayor Bloomberg has picked Lady Gaga to drop the Times Square Ball on NYE. She’ll also be performing in Times Square as part of ABC’s 40th annual year-end countdown.

So to repeat, Lady Gaga’s ball has not descended. False alarm, everybody. It’s still right up there in her stomach.

A former assistant of Lady Gaga’s, Jennifer O’Neill, is suing Mermaid Touring Company because she was treated like a slave and forced to complete assistanty-type tasks. Gasp!

Jennifer O’Neill says in her lawsuit … she worked for Gaga for 13 months, and is owed $380,000 in overtime. O’Neill says in her suit her job included “ensuring the promptness of a towel following a shower and serving as a personal alarm clock to keep [Gaga] on schedule.”

O’Neill claims she had to cater to Gaga in “stadiums, private jets, fine hotel suites, yachts, ferries, trains and tour buses.”

And, O’Neill says, she was required to be at Gaga’s beck and call at her “earliest waking hour.” TMZ

Oh you poor, poor thing. Applying to be Lady Gaga’s assistant and then actually having to assist Lady Gaga? Unbelievable! She’s exactly like one of those kids who gets tricked into going into a van and sold into child sex slavery. Where’s Ashton Kutcher when you need him?

This should really become a daily thing. How many magazines are out there? Christ. Enjoy.

- Abby Elliott in Maxim.

- Aimee Teegarden in an unknown photoshoot. She sort of looks like Elisha Cuthbert here.

- Annaelle in FHM France. Honestly, I don’t know who this chick is but you can see through her bra.

- Beatrice Chirita for Vova’s Fall/Winter campaign. I have it on good authority this girl is a model.

- Dianna Agron does Nylon.

- Emmy Rossum in Malibu Magazine. Sadly, not nude.

- Gina Carano does GQ. I wonder how long it took them to photoshop that fat off her. Everyone knows she blows up when she’s not training for a fight.

- Hilary Swank in Gotham not looking like a dude.

- Jessica Alba does In Style.

- Joanna Krupa in CKM Magazine.

- Kat Dennings in Bust Magazine.

- Kate Beckinsale in Flaunt.

- Kim Kardashian does Marie Claire.

- Lady Gaga gets made-up in GQ India.

- Rosie Huntington-Whiteley poses for Harper’s Bazaar

- Yvonne Strahovski for Allure

Lady Gaga stripped down to nothing and told Tony Bennet to draw her. He obliged and people at Vanity Fair took pictures of the whole thing. Now you have the back story of why you’re looking at Lady Gaga posing naked with her ribs sticking out like a third world orphan.

In case you wanted more text so you could scroll down past the header image, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Hope that helps.

NSFW version of header photo here.

In an interview with The Sun, Lady Gaga describes her perfect man as someone with either a really big dick or a degree from Harvard.

“It ranges from a really big d*** to a degree at Harvard.”

“Talent and perseverance and pushing the boundaries of love and acceptance.” The Sun

Beggars cant be choosers would be my motto if I was Lady Gaga. As long as a guy gives me attention, I’d be cool with it. Instead of getting a restraining order on stalkers, I’d invite them in for pancakes.

Later in the interview, Gaga says she’s not ready to buy a house because she hates being domesticated.

“I’m not ready to buy a house. It feels like marriage or something. It’s such a commitment, I don’t like it.

“I do love being with my parents but I also just really fear domestication. I just don’t have a home, I am 25 and buying a house feels a little weird.

“I actually sleep at my best friend Bo’s apartment a lot. She kicks her boyfriend on to the couch and it’s really funny. We stay up and watch movies.”

Domestication to Gaga must mean preparing her own meals and paying rent. In that case, I don’t want to be tied down either. I’m going to live with my parents too. You can’t tame this wild stallion, man. I do what I want, when I want, whenever I want. At least until my mom starts yelling at me.

In what can only be described as hell on earth, Lady Gaga stripped down to nothing so Tony Bennett could sketch her naked for an upcoming issue of Vanity Fair. The idea was conceived by photographer Annie Leibovitz. And Satan.

“I walked in and said, ‘Well Tony, here we are’ and I dropped my robe and I got into position,” the singer explained. “I felt shy and thought, ‘It’s Tony Bennett, why am I naked?’ ” THR

No one should be subjected to this. Though maybe being 85, Tony Bennett wanted to know what it was like to stare death in the eyes and live. Granted, if the sketch turns out to be a poorly drawn stick figure with two circles for boobs, you’ll know he had his eyes closed the entire time.

Not only do people have to put up with Lady Gaga’s look-at-me outfits, but they also have to put up with the possibility Lady Gaga peed in their trashcan. And I’m not talking about the ones you roll out on trash day, I’m talking about the ones in your room which are normally called wastebaskets. Gaga explains it’s because her costumes are so complex that she doesn’t have the ability to head down the hall to a real bathroom.

She tells U.K. talk show host Alan Carr, “I do quite often pee in the dressing room, in the trash can. It would have been an interesting photo today because I had a big pink bow on, and I was over the trash can…The bathroom is down the hall. And I was naked. It was just me, my bow and my nakedness. Me and my dustbin have a very important relationship.” StarPulse

I’d hate to be the maid that cleans up that room. Just imagine them taking out the bag only to find a hole in it and that there’s urine leaking all over the side of their leg. It would be like they were at a party with R. Kelly or something.

Here’s Lady Gaga in her sperm hat.

Breaking news: Lady Gaga did not dress like a complete idiot during a pre-concert press conference. Save for that retarded white, yellow and green bun on her head, she looked almost normal. Usually you’ll see her bending her knees backwards like a calf and walking in 10 inch platform shoes, but not today. Is it because Halloween is inching closer and since everybody is going to look like a freak, she has to do the opposite? No, probably not. Her discarded fetus dress was probably still at the cleaners.

Sidenote: I think I figured out why she likes to wear sunglasses.

L.A. Reid was chose by Simon Cowell as a judge on The X Factor so it’s safe to say he has an eye for talent and maybe he does. That is if you forget he ever dropped Lady Gaga from his record label.

Speaking to Access Hollywood (via StarPulse), Reid says he signed Gaga but had a bad day and fired her after listening to some of her demos which were works in progress. Lady Gaga eventually signed to another label and now she’s a big international star who wears meat dresses.

He tells Access Hollywood, “This artist came to my office… she played piano, she had on white go-go boots – like, all the way up to here, thigh high boots – she sat down at that piano, she played and she sang. When she was done, I said, ‘You are an amazing artist, a true star, and you will change music,’ and I signed her. Her name was Lady Gaga.”

“Then, a few months later, I got her demos, and it was a work in progress, and I was having a bad day. I’m telling you, I was having a bad day. And I said, ‘You know what? I really don’t like it. Let her have her freedom, let her go find her career.’ It was the worst thing I’ve ever done.”

“I felt bad, but I swear to you, like a month later Justin Bieber came and redeemed me, so, you know, I survived it all. But I’m a little bit jealous, because the Twitter following, for example, the biggest ones are Bieber and Lady Gaga, so I would have felt like the king of the world! Instead I felt like half the king.”Access Hollywood

Ready your pitchforks, boys. Looks like we found the man partially responsible for Lady Gaga and wholly responsible for Justin Bieber. Tar? Check. Feathers? Check.

Sort of kidding aside, it’s laughable that what makes him feel like a king is the amount of combined Twitter followers his artists have and not the fact he’d be wiping his ass with $100 bills while wearing a gold crown (which he probably already does). Can you imagine if he had both Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber. His e-penis would have been HUGE!

Lady Gaga’s new boytoy is the dude from the Vampire Diaries. No, not the two main characters, or the supporting ones, it’s Taylor Kinney who was on there for a season and killed off. Taylor also played her boyfriend in You and I.

‘It was just casual at first, but things are getting pretty hot and heavy.’
They have been seen together on three consecutive days, starting with drinks at seaside bar, The Sneak Joint in Mission Viejo, California, where Taylor lives, on Sunday.
A patron said they were drinking shots of Johnny Walker.
‘I couldn’t tell it was her at first,’ they said.
‘It just looked like some hot couple making out, but then I realized it was Lady Gaga. Everyone went nuts. She was so sweet too — she even signed some autographs.’
The next day the pair were spotted holding hands while walking along Mission Boulevard.
A witness said: ‘Her hair was a little messy. It definitely seemed like a morning after situation. They are obviously totally into each other.’ — Daily Mail

Because who wouldn’t want to bang a girl who dresses up as a dude and uses a prosthetic penis? Taylor Kinney, that’s who. No homo.

If you didn’t watch the MTV VMAs on Sunday, you may have read about how Lady Gaga dressed up as her alter ego Jo Calderone and stayed in character during the entire ceremony. If not, read here.

What you may not have heard was that Lady Gaga was so committed to her character that she even wore a prosthetic penis under her outfit, an insider alleges.

“I am from New Jersey,” Gaga as Jo told Us backstage. ” My family is from Palermo, Sicily and I am not a singer or a model or an actor or anything. I am just a guy.”

And “Jo” had high praise for fellow pop star Britney Spears, one of the night’s honorees, who rejected Jo’s sexy advances onstage. “She is f***ing hot. Didn’t you j*** off to Britney when you were a kid?” — Us

You hear that? She’s “just a guy.” That would make a lot more sense if she hadn’t just performed You and I on stage at the MTV VMAs but whatever. It doesn’t matter how many prosthetic penises they wear, being illogical will always be a dead giveaway that a woman is pretending to be a man.