One nut wonder Lance Armstrong is expecting a child with current girlfriend Anna Hansen (before and after pictures of when Lance got the news above). Lance was thought to have been left infertile by the chemotherapy he underwent 12 years ago for his cancer, but his testicle gave a big FU to cancer and impregnated Hansen naturally. He has three kids already with his ex-wife Kristen Richards using donated sperm. CNN says:

“This is a hopeful thing for testicular cancer survivors,” CNN medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta said. “It means his body healed from the chemotherapy and surgery.”

Lance probably doesn’t feel the same way. I’d love to have been there when Lance tried to convince Anna that he didn’t need a condom because chemo devastated his sperm and Anna giving in after 20 relentless minutes. Then a few weeks later Anna finding out she’s pregnant and kicking Lance’s last remaining nut so hard that it retreated into his body.

[Last two images via Splash News]

Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson tried to waltz into Rao’s without a reservation the other day and were quickly turned away. At Rao’s, only regulars have their own tables while peons need to reserve one months in advance. Disappointed, they went searching for another restaurant.

Ha, sucker. Did you read that? ANOTHER restaurant. Celebrities think they’re special, but they’re not. My dream is to work at McD’s so that one day when a famous person finally comes in, I can turn them away for having no reservation. That’ll show those stupid celebrities.

Lance Armstrong’s ex, Sheryl Crow, voiced her disapproval of Lance and Ashley Olsen’s relationship. When she was asked for her thoughts on the matter,

“Sheryl rolled her eyes and said, ‘That’s pathetic. Ashley’s a kid.’ “

Lance is 36, Ashley is 21, Sheryl is 45. Um, shouldn’t Sheryl spend more time deciding between cremation or burial and less time judging Lance’s decision to bang a 21-year-old? You’d think with death quickly approaching she’d be focused on making the necessary arrangements.

Lance Armstrong, Tory Burch’s ex, was seen at the Rose Bar at the Gramercy Park Hotel Monday night making out with Ashley Olsen.

“They came together with a group of friends. Ashley drank red wine, sat on his lap and they were making out all night. They left together around 2 a.m.”

Lance Armstrong decided that at 36 years of age it was time to hook up with a 21-year-old. One of the world’s most famous athletes decides that that 21-year-old will be Ashley Olsen. If I were to say something nice about Ashley, it would be that two of her greatest qualities are that she’s breathing and has a vagina. Go Lance?! No more open graves for you, buddy.

Note: Because I can never tell the Olsen twins apart, the banner above may or may not be Ashley Olsen.

Jesus, there’s a lot of Anna Nicole stuff. Thankfully, these news bits have nothing to do with her.

• Fun facts about Kim Kardashian. In addition, she also enjoys being peed on. [Evil Beet]
• Mischa Barton might star on ER. [Celebitchy]
• I can’t believe it. Norbit is out. Will it be everything I hoped for? [Pajiba]
• Ryan Phillippe on the split from Reese Witherspoon. [About]
• Sheryl Crowe and Lance Armstrong back together? [Celebrity Smack]
• Fergie and Brooke Hogan juxta-pose. [CityRag]
• Nicky Hilton’s “O” could be in deep trouble. [MollyGood]
• Eva Mendes does bikini shoot. [Bastardly]
• Ryan Cabrera’s new look. [Glitterati]
• Halle Berry pregnant? [Yeeeah!]
• A.J. Discalia likes them young. [ASL]
• Tom Cruise has an expensive bed. [Celebslam]
• Donatella Versace on Jimmy Kimmel. [Popbytes]
• American Idol all-stars special? [SOW]
• Britney Murphy does ballet. [Drunken Stepfather]
• Camerion Diaz is nice, but still creepy. [Derek Hail]

When Details magazine asked Matt about the gay rumors surrounding him and Lance, Matt said, “We tried it. Wasn’t for us.” Lance Armstrong’s response was a little more defensive,

“We all have buds, we all take guy trips, but you take something very normal and put it in a magazine and people start talking,” he says. “It’s like, either you sleep with everything that moves or you’re gay.”

Guy trips are normal. Especially when it involves a romantic bike ride and a communal shower afterwards. Sometimes I like to pat my guy friends on the butt and tell them, “Hey, I think you were pretty awesome back there.” Maybe even give them a little wink to let them know we’re having a moment. It’s kind of like a bonding thing. Does wanting to bond make me gay? You guys are so immature.

Lance Armstrong and Paris Hilton were spotted at the Key Club in LA catching the band Vacation where they apparently arrived together and left together.

Lance Armstrong survived cancer. Now he wants to try and survive Paris Hilton’s stds? He’s a brave soul. You wouldn’t find a more awkward visual had Albert Einstein given a chimpanzee with crabs a handjob.

Pictures were taken of Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey working out without their third wheel Jake Gyllenhaal. Sadly, without Jake, they’re more like the Amibiguously Gay Duo than the Three Muskateers. But, if you’re wondering where their bicycling buddy is, you can find him at home crying in his pyjamas and eating ice cream directly from the carton afer he sees these pictures.

It’s being said that the reason Jake Gyllenhaal and Lance Armstrong have been seen riding together so often is because Jake is the leading contender to play Lance in a Sony biopic. At the Tour de France, Jake joined Armstrong in Lance’s team car.

I think the other reason is that Jake just enjoys a romantic bike ride with Lance every few days. I feel bad for Matthew McConaughey though. He’s the proverbial third wheel. Love triangles are so complicated.