Lara Flynn Boyle left Mr. Chows the other day looking like someone dumped battery acid over her face. Like she was the Wicked Witch of the West and was finally melting. Like someone smacked her on the cheeks causing her to do her best imitation of Droopy. Like her jowls were losing to her breasts in a race to see which one can withstand the tests of time. That is to say, Lara looked fabulous! She should get plastic surgery more often. Clearly, it can only serve to enhance one’s beauty.

I’ll be catching a plane later today so you might not see any news. I know I’ll be missed, but don’t worry. Just remember this. We Are! Mar-shall! Happy Holidays.

1. Britney Spears is trashy. Annoyingly so. [Celebitchy]
2. Lindsay Lohan narrowly avoided another vagina mishap. [Celebrity Smack]
3. We Are Marshall attempts the usual inspired by actual events sappiness in order to draw attention away from the fact your wallet is being raped. Hard. [Pajiba]
4. Elton John and Sting snuggle. [CityRag]
5. Lara Flynn Boyle married and not to Jack Nicholson. [Yeeeah!]
6. P. Diddy was allowed to breed. [Glitterati]
7. K-Fed is aiming for the lower echelons and will wrestle. [The Evil Beet]

Jack Nicholson decided to go on a little boat trip the other day. He took Lara Flynn Boyle with him after mistaking her for an oar. Even though he couldn’t get the boat back to shore, he and Lara hit it off. Both of them are reportedly happy and enjoying golden showers with each other. If you don’t know where the golden showers reference comes from, it’s because Jack Nicholson is rumored to take home prostitutes and then give them golden showers. If you don’t know what a golden shower is then may I ask you out on a date?