Not Howard K. Stern. Larry Birkhead has just announced the DNA results were a match to his and he is the father of Dannielynn. Outside the courtroom, Birkhead remarked,

“I hate to be the one to tell you this, but…I told you so!”

He then pulled on an imaginary slot machine lever and shouted “cha-ching!” Howard K. Stern said he would not fight for custody and will make sure Larry gets sole custody. However, Virgie Arthur will seek custody or at least be a grandmother and help raise the kid. Thus ends this ridiculous soap opera. Or does it? One question remains. Will Dannielynn get the estate? I for one am sitting so far on the edge of my seat I might faint. Umm, nevermind. I got suspense and hunger mixed up.

There have been ongoing negotiations between Howard K. Stern and Larry Birkhead concerning custody over Dannielynn. TMZ has learned Stern has let Birkhead spend time with the baby and is willing to cooperate if the price is right.

Specifically, sources say Stern has his eye on the Bahamian house Anna Nicole bought (not Horizons), and the boat she purchased just before her death. But that is not the end of Stern’s financial wish list. Sources say he has set his sights on other assets as well.

No, this can’t be. Howard K. Stern would never use his precious Dannielynn as a bargaining chip. Howard K. Stern is not a money hungry opportunist. What’s that you say? The house, boat AND the estate? Do you want her diaper changed before she’s dropped at your doorstep?

Durrr. Happy Wednesday and lets hope those see through pics of Scarlett Johansson finally show up.

• Live blogging of American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile. Wow, I thought I was the only one who loved pain. [Pajiba]
• Top Chef’s Marcel gets beat down by a girl with a bottle. [Evil Beet]
• Anna Nicole and Larry Birkhead insult each other over AIM. [ASL]
• Angelina Jolie and Maddox spent $700 on a shower. No word on if it was of the golden variety. Probably wasn’t. [ICYDK]
• Jennifer Aniston will guest star on Dirt where she will play Courtney Cox’s lesbian lover and make fun of Brad Pitt. That’s petty Jennifer. [Celebitchy]
• Jessica Alba signs with Tom Cruise’s company to do another Asian horror remake. [Glitterati]
• Naomi Campbell has not yet reformed. [Celebslam]
• 20 greatest guitar solos ever. Ever?! [CityRag]
• Tara Reid at Sundance. Probably shopping for alcohol or for clothes made out of alcohol. [Celebrity Smack]

A L.A. judge has ordered Anna Nicole to take a paternity test in order to figure out who the father of Danielynn Hope is. The ruling came as a result of a lawsuit Larry Birkhead filed claiming he and not Howard K. Stern was the father of the 3-month-old child.

I’m puzzled as to how Anna Nicole still manages to make the news. It’s like she thinks people care about her, but all everyone wants is for someone to punch her in the ovaries and finally take her out of the gene pool. I’m 100% sure they have ninjas that do that.

Larry Birkhead, the other guy claiming to be the dad of Dannielynn, has filed suit for a paternity test. He alleges Anna Nicole Smith is addicted to methadone (found in Daniel Smith’s body) and Stern facilitated the habit. That she fled to the Bahamas to avoid drug testing her baby. That Howard is claiming he’s the father for his own financial gain. Some say he sold his wedding/commitment photos to People magazine for $1 million. And that Stern asked a third man to say he was the father of Anna’s daughter, but it didn’t work because he already had a vasectomy.

So continues the dysfunctional circus that is Anna Nicole’s life. Not even the best soap opera writers in Hollywood could come up with something like this. If they did and they handed it in for approval, they would be asked to take this part out because it’s a little too far fetched, but the parts about vampires are fine because vampires are super cool.