I don’t know if this is news anymore since Lauren Conrad no longer has a tv show, but she’s supposedly engaged to Kyle Howard, the dude that looks like a monkey.

Now that Lauren Conrad is off “The Hills,” Star reports, her boyfriend, Kyle Howard, has proposed, and “Lauren barely let him get the words out before she said yes.” Not least because she wanted to get engaged at the very moment that Heidi Montag was vomiting in the Costa Rican jungle.

Aw, man. That sucks. For Kyle. I bet he was going to say, “Will you pass the salt?,” before LC stopped him at “will you” and said “Yes! A million times yes!” They were probably at some fancy restaurant and Kyle didn’t want to make a scene. Sheesh. You can’t take that girl anywhere.

Update: Star’s report is wrong and they’re not engaged.

If you were racking your brain over why Lauren Conrad would leave the show that gave her money, power and respect more money, wonder no longer. Lauren tells us why in the new issue of Cosmo (that’s still around?). Conrad said the final straw came when producers invited the uninvited Heidi Montag to her birthday party.

“After the producers did that, I disappeared. If they were disrespectful, I was going to be disrespectful back. I told them, ‘You can call me in a week. Think about what you did,’ ” she tells the mag.

MTV wanted to infuse drama into an otherwise unwatchable episode. How disrespectful of the company that owns the show and pays Lauren’s salary to do what they’re allowed to do to heighten interest in a product they’ve invested so much in. Those bastards. Don’t they know how important Lauren Conrad is?

I don’t watch The Hills so that’s more than enough reason to cancel the show, but MTV doesn’t care about me which is why they’re continuing with the reality series sans Lauren Conrad. No one thinks it’s a big deal. Asked whether the show could survive without LC, Audrina Patridge said: “Yes, we’re like family to our audience.”

Uh ok. A big part of your family is gone. I’m sure there’s a grieving period just like when real families lose their retarded daughter, in this case Lauren Conrad, and are left with bunch of even more retarded children, the rest of the cast. This stark realization might be enough cause for the parents, aka viewers, to disown said dysfunctional children or drown them in the bathtub, a metaphor for not wanting to watch the show anymore.

Lauren Conrad was on Letterman yesterday and Dave tore into Spencer Pratt. He called Spencer a snake and oily among other things. It was like watching an eagle eviscerate a field mouse. Granted, the interview did get a little awkward when David said he wanted to watch Lauren’s fake sex tape. Calm down there, grandpa.

This will be the last season of The Hills for Lauren Conrad and she’s already finished filming the small stuff, an accomplishment she celebrated at Beso last month. All she needed to do now was film the major stuff that takes up 90% of the show. This could be done in a small room with just her and a camera.

“The producers would make Lauren react to a lot of potential scenarios, because they’re not yet sure how the finale will play out with the other characters,” says our source. “They would literally give her directions like, ‘Now react to Stephanie Pratt being pregnant!’ Lauren would just giggle and go for it. She also had to pretend to react to a fake story line about Audrina and Brody hooking up.”

A rep for MTV, who probably has never seen an episode of The Hills, denies this and says it would be impossible to cut a show off of pre-taped reactions. Kidding aside, the rep has a point. They need five takes for Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge to eat a salad and five takes for them to walk and talk at the same time without tripping over their feet. Most people don’t know that The Hills is actually filmed two years in advance because of the amount of time it takes them to get a good shot of Lauren acting surprised. She always gets that emotion confused with constipated.

With the premiere of final seasons of The Hills tonight, MTV needed to drum up some publicity. A good way to do that is to force the star of the show into a bikini and onto the beach. Ergo, here’s Lauren walking around Malibu with some type of mongoloid. I think he may be retarded actually. It’s like he’s never seen a camera before and Lauren is standing there worried he might run to attack it. In moments like this, I always beat my retards down with a Geinko stick. Geinko. The only retard beating stick you will ever need. (This message paid for by the Geinko stick company.)

Lauren Conrad’s Lauren Conrad Collection hasn’t been selling well at all in stores like Kitson and Bloomingdale’s. As a result, the line will be on hiatus until further notice. Her people, of course, have a different story, attributing the hiatus to the economy. They say, “In light of the economic climate, Lauren has decided to completely rethink her line.”

And how exactly is she going to do that? By using more high-end fabrics and “…things she couldn’t do the first time around,” a source close to Conrad explained.

Well, doy! In this economy, who can resist a dress made more expensive by a higher-end fabric which is indiscernible from a cheaper, lower-end fabric? No one, that’s who.

The Hills star revealed some gripping details about her new book L.A. Candy yesterday. The book is the first in a series of three, giving Americans three valid reasons to stop reading completely.

According to her MySpace blog: “They will tell a behind-the-scenes story of a young girl who moves to L.A. and unexpectedly becomes the star of a reality television show.  The books will be loosely inspired by my own experience and are definitely influenced by my own life.”

Sweet Jesus, that sounds compelling. Here I was thinking her talents stopped at acting, fashion design, and constipated pre-commercial-break facial expressions. Guess I can add “master storyteller” to that list. Sometimes God just picks somebody and gives ‘em all the gifts.

Season five will be The Hills‘ last. Lauren Conrad talking to Seventeen magazine revealed that she wanted to “walk away from it while it’s still a great thing. I always want to remember it that way. I gave MTV a deadline and said, ‘This is as long as I can do it and stay sane.’ ”

Right. Because The Hills is the defining show of our time. Watching Lauren Conrad and company blankly stare at each other from across a dinner table will be the most profound thing we see this century. It makes The Shield look like Jerry Springer. Seriously. I could vomit out a better show.

Lauren Conrad and Stephanie Pratt are still in Hawaii “working” at the beach or wherever. And though Stephanie’s chest may not be as ample as Audrina’s, Lauren can’t help but stare. How rude. Didn’t her mother teach her it’s impolite to stare. Especially when the other girl’s chest is nothing to write home about. It instills in them false confidence and that’s not very nice.

Four confusingly long years later, The Hills may finally be coming to an end. Rumors of salary disputes and troubled friendships are one of many nails in the coffin for the unspectacular series. Add to that the fact that Whitney Port has moved to New York and Audrina can’t stand being anywhere near Lauren anymore. Even recently at a club, a witness said, “Lauren looked uncomfortable and like she was going to be sick,” describing the mood when Audrina sat down next to her.

As Audrina attacked Lauren over her alleged fling with her ex Justin “Bobby” Brescia, 25, a tearful Lauren yelled, “Because of you, everyone thinks I’m a bad friend and a slut!” says the source.

Now, a pal of Lauren tells OK!, “She isn’t sure what to do. As of right now, she hasn’t signed on for the next season.”

During an appearance on the Ellen DeGeneres show, Audrina was vocal about her indecision. As always, money seems to be the main factor. Audrina has been asking for a bump in pay to star alongside Lauren. Below is a breakdown of what each cast member is currently being paid per episode:

LAUREN: $75,000
HEIDI: $65,000
SPENCER: $65,000
AUDRINA: $35,000
BRODY$10,000

Given that there were 33 episodes last season and there are at least 11 this season, you’ll be sickened to know Lauren, Heidi, Spencer and Audrina could stand to make more than a million this year for simply looking into a camera and showing contrived emotion. Think about that as you bash your head into the $5 non-ergonomic Office Depot keyboard provided to you by your company.

Lauren Conrad, of that retarded show The Hills, had a $118,000 Audi R8 delivered to her home yesterday. Here she is driving it. You may want to mark this down on your calendar as the day a little piece of you died. You can scribble it right under “URGENT: Buy more Ramen.”

Not only do you get to watch Lauren Conrad in the confusingly popular reality show, The Hills, but you’ll soon have a chance to read a fictionalized account of her life. Conrad has signed on to write “a three-book series of young adult fiction for HarperCollins.” The story centers around an ordinary girl who ends up becoming a reality tv star (it’s a profession now). The first book in the series is set to be released in the summer of 2009.

While the book will be “definitely influenced by my [Lauren's] own life,” there are no plans to write about those of her friends. Lauren explains, “Some of the characters may symbolize people in my life, but it is in no way calling anyone out.” Like that character with the fake tits and frighteningly dull personality with the douchebag boyfriend whose sole purpose in life is to pimp her out like a cheap trick? Yea, she’s symbolic.