Lily Allen stumbled out drunk from The Box in London yesterday. She was a little wobbly so her hot friend had to help her to her car. That never happens to me. Whenever I get drunk and ask a hot girl to help me to my car in that dark alley behind the club, all I get is a can of mace.

Last we heard from Lily Allen, she had her second miscarriage. It was a terrible time for her but undeterred, she tried again. This time keeping news of her pregnancy out of the public spotlight. Until today when The Sun reported the 26-year-old married her boyfriend Sam Cooper at a church for a country wedding while sporting a baby bump because she’s four months pregnant.

The only thing that threatened to ruin her big day was a zit on her nose which she later tweeted she had “lanced with a safety pin. FYI it was gross.” Other than that, there was no miscarriage so it could be said that Sunday was a rousing success.

Despite two miscarriages, Lily Allen hasn’t given up on having an alien entity feed off her body. She’s determined to start a family with Sam Cooper.

“I didn’t realise the impact something like this could have on someone, and as a sister it’s been painful to watch.

“Lily won’t let this stop her, she is absolutely determined to be a mum. This is what she wants more than anything in the whole wide world, more than her singing career. It’s always been her dream.”

She added: “Lily hasn’t been in a great place, but she’s getting there. It’s been a long, hard road. She is in the country with her boyfriend and doing wholesome things. They’re going to start trying (for a baby) in the New Year.”

I like Lily’s can-do attitude. If at first she doesn’t succeed, then keep banging Sam Cooper. If I didn’t know better, I’d think this was an ingenious plan Sam came up with one day while drunk.

Lily Allen’s rep has confirmed that Lily, who was pregnant with Sam Cooper, had her second miscarriage. Her rep told PEOPLE:

“It is with great sadness that we have to confirm that Lily Allen and Sam Cooper have lost their baby,” the British singer’s rep tells PEOPLE in a statement. “The couple ask that their privacy be respected and that they be left alone at this deeply distressing time. No further comment will be made.”

Aww. This is sad. Why would a baby want to quit Lily Allen’s womb. Especially when it’s probably all soft and full of dulcet tones. I’d understand if this was Paris Hilton. Her womb is full of spermicide and sadness and you have to dodge penises at every hour of the day. I’d bust out of Paris’ womb like the Kool-Aid Man busts through a wall.

Lily Allen recently said that she loved the fact that her breasts have become huge during her pregnancy.

My boobs are incredible, I’m a 34D now – I’ve never had that size before. ‘I’m actually really excited now I actually look pregnant, it’s making it all the more real. She added: ‘My body’s changing all the time and I’ve got to just embrace it.’

One of the only good things about a pregnant chick is that her breasts swell up to twice their normal size. But Lily’s breasts didn’t look like 34D’s when she showed up at the House of Holland catwalk show on Saturday. They looked how they normally do. Sad and forlorn. So is Lily lying? Maybe, maybe not. One thing that’s for certain is that the only way to find out is to check them by hand. Sorry, Lily, but this is official business. *Makes grabby, squeezey motion with hands*

Usually the only time Lily Allen is newsworthy is when she walks around with her top off. This time she’s newsworthy because she’s three months pregnant with her boyfriend Sam Cooper. Things just got really unsexy really fast.

Her rep tells PEOPLE, “Lily Allen and Sam Cooper are very happy to confirm that Lily is expecting their first child. “Lily’s professional commitments will carry on as normal, including a scheduled performance at the Big Chill this weekend.”

Two and a half years ago Lily suffered a miscarriage with Ed Simmons of Chemical Brothers. Hopefully this time it’ll take. What I would do if the fetus ever tries to abort itself is yell at it until it gets its act together. Then I’d push my hand against my vagina and go, “Oh no you don’t, mister!”

Lily Allen hit up the NME Awards and she looked cute, but dorky. Don’t know what was up with that big bow in her hair. She looks like a cockatoo. Other than that, it’s good to see her not topless for once. I was starting to think she lost all her bras in a fire or swore an oath to make me feel extremely uncomfortable.

You’re not going to believe this, but Lily Allen was in Venice last week and she wandered out on the balcony topless. Oh, I know. I’m just as shocked as you are. “Not MY Lily,” I gasped as I averted my eyes from this rare occurrence.

Is anyone surprised that they can see Lily Allen’s nipple? That thing is like the moon. All you have to do is look up at a certain time of day and you’ll see it.

On her new blog, It’s Not Alright, which aims to stop piracy, Lily Allen wrote that she’ll never record another album again. Alleging that she did more than just go around the world to flash her breasts, the post, which has since been deleted, read:

“Just so you know, I have not renegotiated my record contract and have no plans to make another record. I do however remain a fan of new music, so this is not some selfish crusade.

“The days of me making money from recording music has been and gone as far as I’m concerned, so I don’t stand to profit from legislation. Except future purchases of previously recorded material.”

Lily’s rep went WTF and said:

“She is not quitting pop music and is still promoting her current album, which is why she said she is not thinking ahead to another record.”

Allen has since shut down her anti-piracy blog. On Twitter, she claims it was due to abuse. The internet will probably claim it’s because she was infringing on copyrights herself. I claim it was due to my sexy comments of, “Show us your tits!” I guess I was just too provocative and edgy.

Can you at least pretend to act surprised when I tell you Lily Allen is topless in the upcoming issue of GQ? Okay. Ready? Lily Allen is topless in the October issue of GQ. What? That’s your surprised expression? Looks more like constipated if you ask me. Ah, forget it. You’re hopeless. NSFW topless pic here.

Lily Allen was at the GQ Men of the Year Awards this year looking completely sober. Whaaaa?!

Granted, the show wasn’t entirely without incident. Kate Moss presented Lily Allen with an award, but got pissy later on and stormed out. Moss was heard saying, ‘He’s so fucking rude,’ before adding that she would ‘never come to one of these fucking award ceremonies again’. Possibly referring to James Nesbitt’s joke, “Kate Moss has still got it. Well, she should do, I gave it to her just before she came on stage. What? I’m talking about my telephone number.” There. Controversy. Are you happy now?

Lily Allen’s friends are really worried about the drinking, the partying and the hooking up with random men. So much so that they’re trying to stage an intervention anonymously through tabloids. If they make a little money off it, so be it. That’s the sacrifice they have to make for Lily’s well-being or something like that. What caring friends.

“The drinking is taking its toll and making her take silly risks,” says one gobby frenemy who’s concerned about Lily’s boozing… although presumably the money they’ve made from blabbing has softened the blow. “Her record company was furious about the bad publicity she’s been getting recently and she’s been told to get her act together. Lily’s always contrite afterwards and filled with horror at what she might’ve done while she was drunk. She’s joked that she likes drink, but it doesn’t like her – and that’s true. Her outrageous behaviour also extends to her love life. She’ll hook up with anyone when she’s drunk.” [3am]

Drunken stupidity, random hook-ups, toplessness. What’s the problem here? Lily’s friends sound jealous. Maybe it is they who have the problem. They should drink more. Alcohol is the answer to everything. Only if they’re hot though. One thing we don’t need more of is a bunch of fat, catty women running around dancing on tables in short skirts and getting mad when people kick the table out from under them.