Britney Spears and Kirstie Alley would have put a lot more effort into this. The only problem with them is they’ll keep asking you about the cake and you have to keep explaining that there is no cake, that it’s made up and then they’ll say with tears in their eyes, “No… cake?”

This is for anyone who watched the return of Lost last Wednesday and didn’t catch the secret message during the Clockwork Orange scene. Well, um, there was a secret message. Playing the sound backwards you’ll be able to hear, “Only fools are enslaved by time and space.” Listen below. As for what everything else means, I still have no idea.

Creators of Lost want fans to know they know where they’re going. Lately, the show has taken on the form of a rambling Valley Girl. The producers now want to set an end date for the show. They admit that taking a four month break in the middle of the season wasn’t such a great idea and that next season they will probably do what 24 does and run 20 episodes in consecutive order.

Where I remembered the first and second seasons pretty clearly, I can barely remember what happened this year. Partly because this year seems like they’re content on dragging the series out as long as they can. Every episode opens up some new mystery which everyone has to wait another year for to be solved. I haven’t felt this used since that bus load of super models tricked me inside and used me as their personal sex toy. I felt so dirty. Sure I satisfied each and every one of them TWICE, but what about my brains? It’s beautiful too! More promos after the jump.

Lost is wearing everybody thin. Yet, I still watch it. Is this what an abusive relationship feels like?

Paris Hilton just can’t resist showing her vagina. Those things see more daylight than her hands.

George Clooney was named the new sexiest man alive by People. You’ve won this round George. Just wait till I get a doctor to preform a face transplant ala Face/Off. Guess who’s “donating” their face to me? You! Cackle Cackle.

Victoria’s Secret is coming. Yes folks, it’s that time of year again. On Dec. 5 you will be treated to the biggest tease since your sister.

Katie Holmes spent $3k on lingerie. Tom Cruise probably spent the same amount on some golden vibrator to share. Oh, when worlds collide.

Tom Cruise can’t fit into his tux. What a fatty. Maybe he can get gastric bypass surgery.

Sharon Stone is old. Get the cross. Get it, get it. Where’s my damn silver bullet. Ahh!

A.C. Slater showed early signs of making it to the final round of Dancing With Stars. Who dares question his masculinity now?!

Victoria Beckham doesn’t like Snoop Dogg. Loser.

Last week was the final episode of Lost until it’s return in February. The series left everyone with more questions and a cliffhanger. Sad huh? Don’t worry though because a new show from ABC is coming, Day Break (cough Tru Calling). And because ABC has such high hopes for this show they have decided on a new marketing strategy called Lost Moments. Lost Moments are 30-second scenes from upcoming episodes. There are a total of 12 moments and the plan is to show 1 of them at a random point during a single episode of Day Break. This is like filling a syringe with heroine then mixing it with 11 filled with Sprite and telling an addict to have fun. However if you’re not into self-flagellation, then all you gotta do is wait till Day Break ends and go to ABC.com to watch the Lost Moment. Which is great because that takes away the only reason to record Day Break.

Someone by the name of Timdorr on Youtube posted the complete video of the Lost Experience. If you’re like me and have only heard that term in passing, then let me explain. The Lost Experience is/was an interactive online game which expands the Lost storyline. This video may be the culmination of the game and explains the origin of the magical numbers Hurley came across. There’s no word on whether or not this will be worked into next season’s storyline, but as most people have discovered, Lost teases worse than a virgin at a drive-in. Yet, I still fervently await next season. I’m a sucker for blue balls. (You know what. That came out totally wrong.)