Madonna made a career off of being wildly inappropriate. She even released a book called Sex in 1992 which included softcore porn. But now she’s 53 and she can’t do that anymore because it’d be gross so her new thing is all about love and peace and being not controversial.

That all changed, however, during the Super Bowl last Sunday when M.I.A. flipped the bird. Screams of horror were heard everywhere. One of which belonged to Madonna who was none too pleased with M.I.A. diverting attention away from her assisted cartwheels. She called in to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to discuss the incident,

“I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager … irrelevant thing to do … there was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point?”

Madge added, “It was just out of place.” TMZ

I believe the point was that they told M.I.A. to censor “sh*t” so she just gave the finger instead. Madonna should have just come out and said what she was really felling. That why wasn’t anyone talking about her 15 minute self-indulgent performance? She didn’t break or hip or anything!

Before I get started, M.I.A. is a badass. If it wasn’t for her, the only thing people would remember about the Super Bowl halftime show was rickety old Madonna and her old lady knees trying to climb up a bench. Instead, they’ll now remember M.I.A. escaping the censors and flipping off 100 million viewers after singing “I’m gonna say this once/I don’t give a shh.”

For the most part, the half-time show was lukewarm at best. Does anyone really want to watch Madonna shufflin’ or a young Richard Simmons bounce up and down on a tightrope while Madonna bounces on a platform? The only highlight was M.I.A. being awesome and black Liberace wearing his faaaabulous supreme court justice outfit.

Madonna is considering retiring (yes, yes, keep going) from acting (well, at least that’s something) and instead will focus more on directing (aw, son of a).

Madonna says, “I like directing better. If I write it and direct it, then it’s my voice. If I’m the actor, I’m just a pawn.”

Not to mention you’re a terrible f**king actor. Sure, there’s Evita, but that was mostly a musical and sort of a novelty. People eat that stuff up. She followed that up with Body of Evidence, Shanghai Surprise, Swept Away and Die Another Day and won a Golden Rasberry for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000. No one has wanted to see her act in 12 years. This is like saying I’m retiring from playing basketball.

Madonna wore the same outfit on Anderson Cooper as Kathy Griffin did on NYE. Hence, why Kathy posted this photo on Instagram with the caption, “Bitch stole my look! I hope Joan_Rivers sees this!!!” Well, if Joan Rivers isn’t high right now, she might.

This isn’t news of course. Madonna hasn’t been original in years. All she probably does is sit in front of the tv with her stylist, point her bony finger at celebrity outfits and say, “this.”

If you didn’t want to throw rocks at Madonna’s head before, you may want to after this. In an interview with Newsweek, Madonna, with all her bravado, says you should save up the $300 it costs to watch her in concert because it’s worth it.

Touring has become the bulk of Madonna’s business (the last tour grossed $408 million, the most ever for a solo artist) since the music industry went belly up and consumers stopped buying records.

She’s not ready to talk about specific plans for this go-round, but it’s safe to assume that her ticket prices will continue to be astronomically expensive, Great Recession be damned. “So start saving your pennies now,” she says, sounding annoyed that any-one would suggest these prices are prohibitive. “People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.” Newsweek via The Daily Beast

Yea, because watching a geriatric gyrate her hips on stage and lipsync to old music is worth $300. You can go to a strip club at 2 in the afternoon and you’d get the same thing. The only difference is it doesn’t cost $300 and there aren’t fireworks going off behind the woman giving the illusion of a spectacle.

In an attempt to fight the signs of ageing and prevent herself from totally shriveling up like a raisin, Madonna sucked the life force from Nicki Minaj during a music video shoot. I’m sorry, I read that wrong. Madonna got drunk and kissed Nicki Minaj.

She explained to Anderson Cooper, “It was her birthday and it was actually the end of one of those long days of shooting and we were all giving a birthday toast to her. After a few sips of champagne I kissed her, yes.”

Anderson joked, “I’ve got a bunch of people in the audience that are whispering to me that it’s their birthday as well.” Madonna responded by tenting her fingers, whispering, “Egggcellent,” and cackling maniacally.

Elton John sat down with Good Morning America to talk about his commercial where he dresses up like a bitter queen, er, king for a Pepsi Super Bowl commercial. He sort of looks like the Burger King guy.

Anyway, does he have any advice for Madonna before her Super Bowl performance. He sure does! He told her, “Make sure you lip-sync good.” Which seems to be a running gag from 2004 when, during an awards acceptance speech, he made fun of Madonna for lip syncing at her concerts.

He pretty much gets a dig in at Madonna whenever he can. At the Golden Globes, he lost out to Madonna for Best Original song. Afterward, his husband, David Furnish, wrote: “Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.”

It’s safe to say, he’s already going to rate Madonna’s Super Bowl performance with three finger snaps and a “uh uh, girlfriend.”

Here’s everyone else at the 69th Annual Golden Globes from the despised Madonna to Kate Beckinsale and George Clooney and even Ben Kingsley’s hot piece, his fourth wife, who mounted him and who he made out with all night with.

Past Super Bowl halftime performers have included The Who, Bruce Springsteen, The Rolling Stones and Paul McCartney. Unfortunately, now that list will include Madge herself as they welcome her prerecorded tracks to this year’s Super Bowl in Indianapolis. Just pray for no Janet Jackson wardrobe malfunction. Squeezing that old woman’s boob back in her dress will be like putting a fart back in your butt. Not gonna happen.

Understandably, the Super Bowl wants mainstream entertainment, but was Katy Perry not available? The only thing Madonna and football have in common is that both are made of leather and plastic. Football is all about a beer-chuggin’, burger-eatin’, hootin’ and hollerin’ good time. Having Madonna at the Super Bowl makes as much as sense as having Jerry Sandusky on Sesame Street.

Two short clips of Madonna’s new single “Give Me All Your Love” leaked online yesterday, but those have been taken down, but it doesn’t matter because the entire track leaked today. Madonna is believed to be performing the single at next year’s Super Bowl with M.I.A. and Nicki Minaj.

The song is more bubblegum pop and at times sounds like the Dandy Warhols mixed with Avril Lavigne. In other words, wtf? The track also has copious amounts of hand claps. Hell yeah. Everyone knows hand claps make songs 10 times better.

Madonna filmed a tongue-in-cheek promo video for a model search for the Material Girl line. Lourdes gussied herself up and made an appearance too. She also speaks!

Madonna starts out by saying she doesn’t think anyone understands irony in this day and age. I’m pretty sure no one understands sarcasm either. This is going to fly over the heads of most of the “woman children” Madonna is looking for. They’re going to think she’s a total bitch. Which she sometimes is. She also says they aren’t searching for the typical model. Which is evident considering Kelly Osbourne modeled for the line.

Anyway, the most important takeaway from this video is Madonna lost her British accent. What a reveal!

Madonna’s brother, Anthony Ciccone, now lives in Traverse City. Not because of the amount of siblings of famous people living there but because they have the best services for the homeless. You heard that right, Madonna’s brother is homeless and lives under a bridge.

Ciccone said he’s been among the city’s homeless for a year and a half since losing a job at his father’s vineyard and winery in Suttons Bay. He said that it annoys him that some people are amused that a person from such a high profile family would end up sleeping, as he does, under the Union St. bridge.

“My family turned their back on me, basically, when I was having a hard time,” he said. “You think I haven’t answered this kind of question a bazillion times — why my sister is a multibazillionarie, and I’m homeless on the street?”

“Never say never,” he said. “This could happen to anybody.”

“I don’t have any income, I’ve got to go collect bottles and cans, do odd jobs.” Michigan Messenger

A lot of people would call Madonna a b*tch for not helping him out but think about this. He was working at a vineyard and winery and still lost his job. How inept or how big of a drug addict do you have to be to do that. If Madonna gave this guy a million dollars, there’s a good chance he’d be dead in two weeks from all the drugs he bought.

Madonna was at Heathrow airport for a flight back to the US and on display were her gnarled, withered hands. Getting a hand job from her would be the worst experience ever. It’d be like getting jerked off by a mummy but more terrifying.