Actually, that should read: “Piers Morgan is feuding with Madonna” because the feud is pretty one-sided considering Madonna has no idea who Piers Morgan is.

On Tuesday night, after Madonna joined Twitter, Piers tweeted, “Welcome to Twitter. You’re still banned from my show. Love Piers X.” Madonna’s manager, Guy Oseary, tweeted back, “Really?,” and attached a letter from Piers’ producer from his UK chat show inviting Madonna to be on it. Ruh roh. Looks like his publicity stunt backfired on him. Quick, Plan B!

Piers then tweeted, “Madonna has only been banned from my CNN show, not my UK show, which sent that invite. But I’m now banning her from that too.” My eyes are rolling so hard right now that I can see my brain. Oh, so that’s what my frontal lobe looks like.

Sources tell TMZ that Madonna has no idea why Piers is mad at her adding, “She doesn’t even know who he is.” The only hint given was back in January 2011 when Piers said he banned Madonna from his show because she’s been “an irritant in my life for 20 years.”

Holy crap, that’s a long time to hold a grudge. What did Madonna do to that guy? Bang his boyfriend or something?

Madonna has responded to Deadmau5′s rant that she perpetuated the stereotype of EDM events and drugs during her surprise appearance at Miami’s Ultra Music Festival.

She tweeted a photo of her wearing a Mini Mouse hat with a speech bubble that read, “From one mouse to another. I don’t support drug use and I never have. I was referring to the song called ‘Have You Seen Molly‘ written by my friend Cedric Gervais who I almost worked with on my album.”

Clearly Madonna was only referencing the song. It’s not her fault that the song is about ecstasy. And that MDNA shirt she was wearing that conspicuously looked like a play on MDMA? That was just a coincidence. They couldn’t fit “Madonna” on the shirt so when they shortened it, it just so happened to become “MDNA.” Just a series of unrelated events that culminated into a perfect storm at the Ultra Drug Festival. I mean, Ultra Music Festival.

h/t TDW

Madonna’s 15-year-old daughter, Lourdes Leon, was photographed smoking last Friday in New York and this is amazing news because Madonna is annoying and the legal age for smoking is 18. Watch your kids, you old whore.

Granted, this isn’t surprising considering Madonna was celebrating ecstasy over the weekend. What is surprising is that Lourdes hasn’t turned to harder drugs. If Madonna was my mom, I’d need something, anything to numb numb the embarrassment.

Madonna made a surprise appearance at Miami’s Ultra Music Festival over the weekend and excessively pandered to the crowd by wearing a shirt that read MDNA and asking if they’d seen Molly (slang for MDMA aka ecstasy). People ate it up and Madonna’s script writers were given a bonus that day.

One person who took exception though was Deadmau5 who vented on Twitter and Facebook criticizing Madonna for referencing ecstasy which has become synonymous with Ultra Music Festival, EDC and the genre in general.

very classy there madonna. “HUR DUR HAS ANYONE SEEN MOLLY???” such a great message for the young music lovers at ultra. quite the f’n philanthropist. but hey, at least yer HIP AND TRENDY! fucking cant smack my head hard enough right now. Deadmau5 Facebook

As much as Madonna is an annoying bitch, what else was she supposed to say? Electronic music festivals and ecstasy go hand in hand. Nothing is going to change that. Mostly because all the day-glo raver kids would feel like retards if they looked in the mirror sober.

Madonna debuted the first ad for her scent Truth or Dare by Madonna and guess if she looks like she’s 30-something instead of 50-something in the ads. Go on, guess.

“I have always been obsessed by fragrance and for years wanted to create something personal that was an expression of me but that other people could relate to as well: something honest, and yet daring, hence the name Truth or Dare,” the “Gimme All Your Luvin” singer told Women’s Wear Daily in November. Us Magazine

Something honest. You mean like how Madonna is 53 and in real life she’s overly toned and veiny and her hands look like a gnarled oak tree and she looks like she could break your penis with the amount of kegel exercises she does but here she looks like she just came out of one of her music video shoots 20 years ago? You mean that kind of honesty? You may as well have put lipstick on Mike Tyson and it would have been closer to the real Madonna than this.

Madonna released a new single called Girl Gone Wild the other day which was accompanied by an image. An image of her that looks nothing like her. This thing is so Photoshopped that it should just be called “Madonna: Re-imagined 30 Years Younger.” A Picasso is more realistic than this.

In related news, Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis is threatening to sue Madonna over the use of her Girl Gone Wild title. Francis said he sent Madonna a C&D which he claims made her change the title from Girls Gone Wild to Girl Gone Wild. Madonna’s manager laughed saying they’ve been tweaking the album for weeks and used the singular version because that’s how Madonna sings it in the song.

Oseary then cites a Billboard story saying there are 50 records called Girls Gone Wild including songs by Ludacris, Jagged Edge, T Mills, Lee Kernaghan and Lil Rick. Finally, Oseary says Madonna doesn’t even know who Joe Francis is and has no idea about the threats he’s making.

Ha, eat a dick, Joe Francis. The only person more annoying than Madonna is that guy.

Madonna made a career off of being wildly inappropriate. She even released a book called Sex in 1992 which included softcore porn. But now she’s 53 and she can’t do that anymore because it’d be gross so her new thing is all about love and peace and being not controversial.

That all changed, however, during the Super Bowl last Sunday when M.I.A. flipped the bird. Screams of horror were heard everywhere. One of which belonged to Madonna who was none too pleased with M.I.A. diverting attention away from her assisted cartwheels. She called in to On Air with Ryan Seacrest to discuss the incident,

“I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity, it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager … irrelevant thing to do … there was such a feeling of love and unity there. What was the point?”

Madge added, “It was just out of place.” TMZ

I believe the point was that they told M.I.A. to censor “sh*t” so she just gave the finger instead. Madonna should have just come out and said what she was really felling. That why wasn’t anyone talking about her 15 minute self-indulgent performance? She didn’t break or hip or anything!

Before I get started, M.I.A. is a badass. If it wasn’t for her, the only thing people would remember about the Super Bowl halftime show was rickety old Madonna and her old lady knees trying to climb up a bench. Instead, they’ll now remember M.I.A. escaping the censors and flipping off 100 million viewers after singing “I’m gonna say this once/I don’t give a shh.”

For the most part, the half-time show was lukewarm at best. Does anyone really want to watch Madonna shufflin’ or a young Richard Simmons bounce up and down on a tightrope while Madonna bounces on a platform? The only highlight was M.I.A. being awesome and black Liberace wearing his faaaabulous supreme court justice outfit.

Madonna is considering retiring (yes, yes, keep going) from acting (well, at least that’s something) and instead will focus more on directing (aw, son of a).

Madonna says, “I like directing better. If I write it and direct it, then it’s my voice. If I’m the actor, I’m just a pawn.”

Not to mention you’re a terrible f**king actor. Sure, there’s Evita, but that was mostly a musical and sort of a novelty. People eat that stuff up. She followed that up with Body of Evidence, Shanghai Surprise, Swept Away and Die Another Day and won a Golden Rasberry for Worst Actress of the Century in 2000. No one has wanted to see her act in 12 years. This is like saying I’m retiring from playing basketball.

Madonna wore the same outfit on Anderson Cooper as Kathy Griffin did on NYE. Hence, why Kathy posted this photo on Instagram with the caption, “Bitch stole my look! I hope Joan_Rivers sees this!!!” Well, if Joan Rivers isn’t high right now, she might.

This isn’t news of course. Madonna hasn’t been original in years. All she probably does is sit in front of the tv with her stylist, point her bony finger at celebrity outfits and say, “this.”

If you didn’t want to throw rocks at Madonna’s head before, you may want to after this. In an interview with Newsweek, Madonna, with all her bravado, says you should save up the $300 it costs to watch her in concert because it’s worth it.

Touring has become the bulk of Madonna’s business (the last tour grossed $408 million, the most ever for a solo artist) since the music industry went belly up and consumers stopped buying records.

She’s not ready to talk about specific plans for this go-round, but it’s safe to assume that her ticket prices will continue to be astronomically expensive, Great Recession be damned. “So start saving your pennies now,” she says, sounding annoyed that any-one would suggest these prices are prohibitive. “People spend $300 on crazy things all the time, things like handbags. So work all year, scrape the money together, and come to my show. I’m worth it.” Newsweek via The Daily Beast

Yea, because watching a geriatric gyrate her hips on stage and lipsync to old music is worth $300. You can go to a strip club at 2 in the afternoon and you’d get the same thing. The only difference is it doesn’t cost $300 and there aren’t fireworks going off behind the woman giving the illusion of a spectacle.

In an attempt to fight the signs of ageing and prevent herself from totally shriveling up like a raisin, Madonna sucked the life force from Nicki Minaj during a music video shoot. I’m sorry, I read that wrong. Madonna got drunk and kissed Nicki Minaj.

She explained to Anderson Cooper, “It was her birthday and it was actually the end of one of those long days of shooting and we were all giving a birthday toast to her. After a few sips of champagne I kissed her, yes.”

Anderson joked, “I’ve got a bunch of people in the audience that are whispering to me that it’s their birthday as well.” Madonna responded by tenting her fingers, whispering, “Egggcellent,” and cackling maniacally.

Elton John sat down with Good Morning America to talk about his commercial where he dresses up like a bitter queen, er, king for a Pepsi Super Bowl commercial. He sort of looks like the Burger King guy.

Anyway, does he have any advice for Madonna before her Super Bowl performance. He sure does! He told her, “Make sure you lip-sync good.” Which seems to be a running gag from 2004 when, during an awards acceptance speech, he made fun of Madonna for lip syncing at her concerts.

He pretty much gets a dig in at Madonna whenever he can. At the Golden Globes, he lost out to Madonna for Best Original song. Afterward, his husband, David Furnish, wrote: “Madonna winning Best Original Song truly shows how these awards have nothing to do with merit. Her acceptance speech was embarrassing in it’s narcissism. And her criticism of Gaga shows how desperate she really is.”

It’s safe to say, he’s already going to rate Madonna’s Super Bowl performance with three finger snaps and a “uh uh, girlfriend.”