Maggie Gyllenhaal stars in Hysteria, a film about the two London doctors who invented the first electric vibrator which was intended to cure women suffering from hysteria, a condition I assume happens monthly and is accompanied by bleeding. As a result, Maggie was sent a bunch of vibrators from sex shops which she used to start a vibrator exchange group.

“By the time I finished the movie I’d been sent maybe 15 vibrators by different people in London with vibrator stores. It was a pleasant surprise. So I have this incredible collection, and I actually use like one or two of them. I lend them to my friends, and they’ll take them for six months at a time. [While shooting Hysteria] I was sent a lot of vibrators from different sex stores in England while we were shooting the movie. I shared them around.” — Gothamist

I can’t decide whether this is hot or gross. On one hand, this gets real close to girl on girl. On the other, apart from sanitary concerns, this is Maggie Gyllenhaal we’re talking about. She’s so plain. I bet her vibrators go “uggggh” and almost die of boredom when they’re inside her.

Elizabeth Banks, Jennifer Lopez, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mariah Carey, Penelope Cruz, Rachel McAdams, Anna Kendrick and Tina Fey (click on their names to go to their galleries) also showed up at the Oscars. The Academy should institute a new rule where you have to have made at least one decent movie before you’re allowed at this thing. That would effectively eliminate half the guests including Jennifer Lopez, Mariah Carey and Tina Fey.

By the way. Does anyone know who Anna Kendrick is? Without looking on IMDB? I finally gave in and put her name in just to find out she was in that Twilight Movie. The least she could do was slip a nipple for making me go through all that trouble.

Moderately exciting news. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard were officially married on Saturday in Italy. In attendance were brother Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon. Also in attendance was their two and a half year old bastard daughter. PEOPLE write: “The celebration took place in a small chapel in Brindisi, according to European news reports.”

The best part of the wedding, however, was that I wasn’t there because I would have killed myself if I had to watch Hollywood’s dullest couple get married. They look like the type of people that would fill their vows with big words no one understands like convivial and propitious. Is this a wedding or a crossword puzzle?

I don’t want to spoil the new Batman movie for you, but it looks like the big twist is Maggie Gyllenhaal is really the Joker.

Maggie Gyllenhaal replaced Kate Moss as the new spokesperson for Agent Provocateur and the new pictures came out. Correct me if I’m wrong, but they’re trying to sell lingerie, right? Because I’d rather have seagulls eat french fries off my penis than stare at this.

Photos: Daily Mail

Maggie Gyllenhaal sat down and popped out her breast for her baby the other day. I’m surprised someone didn’t shove the kid out of the way and start sucking. During my time as an underpaid cancer researchist, that’s how I survived the streets and became the highly respected man I am today. Of course, I can longer do that because political correctness is all the rage. Nowadays, people get all uppity when I steal a mother’s breast milk. Jesus, it’s not like I’m spanking the kid or something. Pics NSFW.

Maggie Gyllenhaal has given birth to her first baby girl. Peter Sarsgaard and Maggie have decided to name the baby Ramona Sarsgaard. This is both Maggie’s and Peter’s first child.

A baby with a normal name? This must be some sort of trick. The real name has got to have at least 2 a’s in a row and 3 l’s. Come on, have some sense of tradition. Something like Rolmolnaal would have sufficed. Well, that would be kind of stupid actually, but you know what they say. You’re not a celebrity baby unless you have a fucked up first name.