Nick Canon is in an Aspen hospital with “mild kidney failure” which I take to mean he’s only “mildly close to death.” Mariah Carey and Nick were vacationing in Aspen with their twins when Nick’s kidney failed. Mariah is staying with him while he recovers. You know what this means! Cutesy photo op time! Mariah posted the above photo and below text to Twitter,

This is us in the hospital – role reversal; Last year it was me attached to the machines (after having dembabies) and Nick was there with me through it, and now here we are.

We’re trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.

We’re doing OK but we’re “straaaaaanded in Aspen”. #DramaticDivaPlace (I know, we could be in a lot worse places) but the truth is as long as we’re together, we’re OK. I’m not trying to make light out of the situation because it’s a serious moment that’s very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM. Mariah Carey

Did Mariah just compare her having “dem babies” to Nick’s kidney failure? Clearly, she knows how he feels. As do I. This is really hard to say but one time I… I stubbed my toe on a chair leg. So, Nick, hang in there buddy. We’ve both been through some difficult times.

At the height of her pregnancy, Mariah Carey looked like a female Fat Albert. Six months  later, she’s lost 30 lbs and got back into shape. She’s on the cover of Us Weekly showing off how she did it and describing how much of a struggle it was. She told Us, “It was a huge blessing to be able to have the babies… But I felt trapped in my body because I couldn’t move.”

Yesterday at a press conference to announce Mariah being the new brand ambassador for Jenny Craig, she showed off her now size 6 body.

This gives me hope that after Jessica Simpson pops out that kid she’ll look like she did before she discovered how delicious baby back rib pie is.

Justin Bieber had trouble hitting the high notes while recording his Christmas duet with Mariah Carey. His manager Scooter Braun explains it’s because his balls have finally dropped.

“Vocally, his balls have dropped,” Braun says.

Island Def Jam Music Group (IDJMG) president/COO Steve Bartels puts it more gently. “The album really shows his growth as a young man, and his voice has just blossomed,” he says. “It will pleasantly surprise many people. It’s not your typical holiday album.”

There was one case in which a bass-ier Bieber wasn’t a bonus: his duet with Mariah Carey on her own smash “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” which Carey suggested after hearing an early recording of Bieber’s solo take on it. The catch: It had to be sung in her original key.

“That was the hardest song to do,” Braun says. “A year ago that would have been no problem.”

“Yes, that was high,” Bieber says. “But I grinded it out and we got it down.”Billboard

That’s good news for Selena Gomez. I mean, at least after the initial awkward moment when adult Justin first drops his pants before sex, points to his crotch and yelps, “I’m a real boy now!”

Magazines such as PEOPLE and OK! are fighting over who gets the first baby photos of Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon’s twins which are expected to fetch a modest $200,000. In comparison, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were paid $14 million for theirs. They donated the money to charity. Mariah and Nick will probably donate theirs to a diamond encrusted Hello Kitty for the baby room.

“Mariah and Nick are more concerned with doing the right thing than going to the highest bidder,” said a source close to the couple. “They’re talking to a number of publications about doing it in the best and most tasteful way. Nick has said on radio he doesn’t feel entirely comfortable selling pictures of his children. But the first picture remains very valuable to the paparazzi.” [Page Six]

If Nick feels uncomfortable selling pictures of his kids, why doesn’t he take pictures himself and post them on their website every single day until people get sick of those two talking about their babies. Sort of like what normal people do. You’d think that would be the best way to devalue the baby photos. Instead, he’s “reluctantly” selling them for $200,000. What a trooper.

While Mariah Carey was still in the hospital from having twins, CPS conducted a pointless investigation after someone complained Mariah was abusing drugs and alcohol after having her twins.

What happened was a hospital worker suggested Mariah drink a dark beer like Guinness to help her lactate which she did. In no way did she hide what she was doing as staff were closely monitoring her.

But turns out people are idiots and the LA Department of Children and Family Services have nothing better to do than investigate unsubstantiated claims about celebrities in order to see them and their babies. A followup investigation was conducted on Thursday for whatever reason and the conclusion was pretty much the same. That DCFS are worse than the paparazzi. At least the paparazzi have to fight their way in or shimmy up tress to get a picture of a celebrity. DCFS just hides under guise of child protection.

It’s only been two weeks since Mariah Carey gave birth to her twins and she’s already been visited by Child Protective Services. Surprisingly not for asking a plastic surgeon about turning the twins into living, breathing Hello Kitty! dolls.

Nick Cannon told Piers Morgan on Thursday that CPS came to see him because allegations had been made that there was drug and alcohol use during their stay at the hospital. Turns out it was just a big misunderstanding. Or was it? Dun dun dun!

“It all started when a nurse suggested to my wife that if you drink Guinness, the dark beer, the yeast improves breastfeeding,” Cannon explained. “I don’t know if someone heard that, but then they were saying my wife was drinking beer. People will do anything to try to conjure up a story.”

“When I spoke to the person from Child Protection Services, they said, ‘This is ridiculous, we’re going to make sure this isn’t the case,’” Cannon recalled. “To even have to deal with that, with my wife in the state that she’s in while we’re in the hospital, to even have to think about someone possibly wanting to investigate your children…it’s sad at the end of the day.”

After all, Cannon concluded, “it’s really sad when you think about people trying to make a buck off newborn babies.”

Whatever. Nick Cannon probably said this while calling his publicist to find out which magazine would pay the most to put their babies on the cover. He might as well be like an old timey slave trader and stand on a wooden platform shouting, “Twins for sale! Twiiiins for saaaale!” That quote is going to bite him in the ass in two weeks.

Mariah Carey and Mr. Mariah Carey finally revealed the names for their twins who were born on Saturday. They named their son Moroccan Scott Cannon, nickname “Roc”. Scott is Nick Cannon’s middle anme and his grandmother’s maiden name.

The Moroccan comes from Mariah’s NYC apartment called the Moroccan Room and is also the place where Nick proposed.

Their daughter’s name is just Monroe Cannon. Monroe after Marilyn Monroe who “inspired” Mariah her whole life.

The daughter’s name is not that bad. But who the hell names their kid with an adjective? Also, who’s Scott Cannon and why is her kid the Moroccan version of him. Is it because he’s dark? This is terrible. He’s not even the original Scott Cannon. He has to be the Moroccan version of him. They made their baby a 2nd class citizen.

Mariah Carey, 42, popped out her twins at around 12 PM EST at a hospital in LA on Saturday. The baby girl came first and her brother followed which shows just how bossy women in that family are.

Mariah’s rep tells PEOPLE that they’re both overjoyed and were listening to “We Belong Together” after the kids were born.

Making the day even more special, the birth coincided with their anniversary as the very prescient Nick predicted. With the help of Rev. Al Sharpton, they renewed their vows in the hospital on Sunday. Speaking about the labor, her rep added.

“Nick was very nervous and Mariah was completely calm. Mariah thought it was another soft labor and Nick was driving her to the hospital and she very calm and the music was blasting,” she added. “When they walked into the hospital, [Nick] was going the wrong way and the nurse redirected them to go the maternity ward, and I said to her, ‘that’s right out of I Love Lucy,’ and she laughed.”

What an obnoxiously cute story. Why can’t they simply say Nick was being a dumbass and didn’t know what the hell he was doing? I mean, look at him. He’s a bumbling idiot. The only things Mariah trusts him to do is hold her umbrella, hold her straw and, apparently, put his penis inside her.

Simon Cowell said on a radio interview that Mariah Carey will have some type of role in the US version of X Factor. Cowell told Jackie Brown, “I met her recently and she was on great form. And her idea was to be the judge of the judges, which only Mariah could come up with.” That last part should actually be changed to “which only an egotistical maniac could come up with.”

What does that even mean “judge of judges?” Does that mean she gets the final say? To right a perceived wrong by having Nick Cannon wave her hand around like a wand while she sits on a pedestal like Jabba the Hut grumbling something while stuffing her face with cookies? Because I would love to see that.

Mariah Carey did a Demi Moore style shoot for Life & Style magazine. That is to say, she posed naked, covering her boobs with her arm and exposing her pregnant belly.

She tells L&S, “I was feeling very vulnerable about taking pictures at all right now, but then I didn’t want to miss this opportunity to document this once-in-a-lifetime experience … My ultimate goal was to share this incredibly personal moment with my true fans.”

Gross. Keep it to yourself. Although I commend Mariah on holding her own breasts. Usually she’s so lazy she’d have her professional umbrella holder husband Nick Cannon do it.

Mariah Carey is pregnant with twins, one boy and one girl. Naturally, she painted a double sexed butterfly on her belly to show which side was which and posted it on Twitter.

Sweet jesus. She’s huge. If she ever fell down and landed on her back, there’s no way she’s getting back up without help. That thing is almost as big as Christina Ricci’s forehead.

Mariah Carey spent an estimated $1.3 million on her twin’s nursery turning it into an opulent display of wealth. God how I wish I could climb into Mariah’s uterus and have her birth me. Wait, that sounded much creepier than it was supposed to.

‘Mariah wanted 18-carat gold trim, with ivory walls, soft furnishings and walk-in wardrobes full of Petit Trésor designer clothes.

‘There’s a top-of-the-range sound system and they’ll each have diamond-encrusted iPods and a flatscreen TV that comes down from the ceiling.’

The twins will sleep in Chelsea Sleigh cribs, £1,390 each, while Mum and Dad relax in Glam Glider chairs at a knockdown £1,420. And there’s a Clara changing table, worth £1,780.

‘There’s ?a $1 million red-crushed velvet, 24-carat gold and onyx sofa used for Michael Jackson’s shows. It’s very Alice In Wonderland, with swags of silk on the back.

You know what I’m going to give my kid if I ever trick a girl into having sex with me? A cardboard box. And they’ll like it. Or else. *Looks at stranger’s womb. Smashes fist against palm*

Mariah Carey looks huge right now. Like a bike pump was attached to her and it never stopped infusing her with air. Luckily for her, this isn’t because there’s a 15 pound baby growing inside of her, biding its time until it can tear through her uterus like a rabid wolverine. No, it’s because she’s having twins! One boy and one girl.

Mariah tells Life & Style, “Even before we announced it was twins, I was trying to keep everything genderneutral because I didn’t want to impose an identity on them too soon. There were fan contests on Twitter about what gender they are and rumors about them being two boys or two girls — but nobody guessed this!”

*Twirls finger in air* Wow. Exciting. I’m just waiting until I get to see Nick being used as a baby-mule. Not only will he carry Mariah’s umbrella, he’ll have one baby strapped to his back with another strapped to his chest. He’ll look like an adorable suicide bomber.